tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post796173253661133303..comments2023-09-21T08:29:51.381-07:00Comments on Luna Corbden: Autism and ShameLuna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-55721017397414302402018-10-23T01:31:20.129-07:002018-10-23T01:31:20.129-07:00Thank you for this post. I have a ten year old son...Thank you for this post. I have a ten year old son with Asperger's and I know that he frequently feels a great sense of shame which morphs into aggressive behaviour. Thank you for sharing your experience and your insight.Lilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13037721554746886578noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-62784918990165607862017-05-09T18:24:38.142-07:002017-05-09T18:24:38.142-07:00You are the sweetest dearest blogger ever! I loved...You are the sweetest dearest blogger ever! I loved your post, but I love your responses to comments just as much!! You are magnificent :0)Bellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15017135757532642994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-6199748659091667932017-03-29T15:48:54.303-07:002017-03-29T15:48:54.303-07:00That sounds like quite the struggle. It sounds ver...That sounds like quite the struggle. It sounds very frustrating, and I know what it's like when no one will listen.<br /><br />And ASD can sometimes be confused with other things, like BPD and NPD.<br /><br />I'm kinda torn writing this reply, because I'm seeing some red flags, and I'm not sure if I'm projecting or what. So on one hand, I want to defend anyone with autism and encourage you to continue on that path of empathy and problem solving, but on the other hand, I've got my past experience with abuse, and not realizing it was abuse, and making lots of excuses for the other person, and that's not good either. In other worse, I'm confused about how to respond.<br /><br />I *always* think empathy is the right response. But you also want to protect yourself. If no one is listening to you, that's a problem. It's a sign of a toxic environment, regardless of the diagnosis or root cause. In a healthy environment, everyone would listen to everyone else.. even if there are conflicts, everyone will do their best to understand the worries of each person, and do their best to accommodate all the different needs.<br /><br />And when that doesn't happen, there's potential damage, even trauma, PTSD stuff occurring that can leave lasting scars.<br /><br />And thus reveals both the dangers, and the necessity, of armchair diagnosis.<br /><br />In any case, make sure you understand boundaries, what are good boundaries, and how to set them. And how to recognize when boundaries are being broken and how to reinforce them. And maybe do some reading on emotional abuse and covert abuse. And if it's NPD instead of ASD, that's a whole other story... NPDs aren't interested in compromise, solving problems, mutual understanding, or even empathy. They can fake these things, but only when it's useful to them.<br /><br />It's a tricky situation. I wish you the best. <3Luna Corbdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-17770771825636372732017-03-28T18:44:37.599-07:002017-03-28T18:44:37.599-07:00Hi, thank you for your post. I find d it helpful f...Hi, thank you for your post. I find d it helpful from the point of view of a NT with an (I think) mild history of PTSD. I am in a relationship with someone that has ASD from a family with more than one member who is also ASD (including parent, sibling and child). The problem is that I worked this out through my own experience with them (which had me nearly going mad - trying to reconcile the kind loyal person with the aggressive cold person I would experience at other times) and lots of reading research and phone calls to people who specialise in it. I feel like my knowledge of what it is that I'm dealing with saved the relationship by giving me understanding and empathy. However, it has at times had me pushed to my limits. It is not and will not be professionally diagnosed because of the family denial and they reinforce each other. It is so difficult and complex, especially when no one else wants to know or accept it. Sometimes living with it can be just as difficult for NT's as it is for ASDs. I feel like I am dealing with something that no one else understands and I get tired and feel alone because of this (the feeling alone with someone too). When I am strong I can cope but when I'm not things can really unravel in our relationship and in both of us. I just need to find a therapist or support group that really understands. ASD can be hidden especially when they are brilliant because not many people really get it unless it's underfunctioning and more extreme. I really hope that a definitive test is discovered along with good support for and treatment SOON! It's important for us all. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-31745561532797986752014-08-16T22:19:26.818-07:002014-08-16T22:19:26.818-07:00That's terrible, Nighthawk. Shaming never work...That's terrible, Nighthawk. Shaming never works and only makes people feel bad about themselves. You're not a coward for having suicidal thoughts. I want you to live, of course, but struggling against suicide is a difficult battle, and every day you stay alive you are being more brave than anyone else can really understand. (Did you see my post on "The Year I Survived Suicide?" http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/09/the-year-i-survived-suicide.html )<br /><br />There's lots of things you can try, that may or may not work, to help eliminate that shame as much as possible. Brené Brown has a website that I think I linked to here, with lots of resources to help people eliminate shame. There's also therapy, if it's an option to you. And self-help books. Cognitive Behavior Therapy works for lots of people with depression, anxiety, and shame issues. A good book on the topic is "Feeling Good" by David Burns. And in my case, I was able to find meds that really helped with the anxiety. Sort of like if you can come at it from multiple sides, it helps lower all these different sources of the problem to make it more manageable. <br /><br />Hugs and I wish you well.Luna Corbdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-84088249973688727752014-08-16T14:24:46.057-07:002014-08-16T14:24:46.057-07:00My problem is that my parents specifically used sh...My problem is that my parents specifically used shaming as a training tool when I was a child. I remember overhearing them discussing that it's more effective and proper than other forms of punishment in controlling "bad behavior" in children. That was not unusual in those days of "psychological" and "modern" childrearing.<br /><br />My tantrums and wild episodes weren't bad behavior in the ordinary sense, of course. So it never worked. What it did accomplish was to make me so ashamed of who I was that all I wanted to do was die. But as my older sister so cruelly put it, people who contemplate suicide are nothing but cowards and weaklings because strong and religious people like her never have such negative thoughts.<br /><br />So things just kept going downhill and now my head is full of all this garbage I can't seem to clean out. I'm certain that I would have been better off to run away from home and live on the streets than grow up in that crazy family. They're all deceased or suffering from dementia now, but all that shaming is still working on me every day. I live in fear of making any kind of social blunder.<br /><br />And of course, since I'm autistic, I can't help doing exactly that. So on and on it goes. It helps that I live alone and avoid people now, it really does.Nighthawkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12910318336921752584noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-21381283506894252282014-04-02T13:14:02.957-07:002014-04-02T13:14:02.957-07:00Thanks. :)
I've read about PTSD (and experien...Thanks. :)<br /><br />I've read about PTSD (and experienced it) but not complex PTSD? It's all pretty complex to me.<br /><br />Intense World Theory suggests that people on the spectrum are more sensitive to trauma and wire PTSD more easily, i.e. with less external trauma, and that we tend to generalize the triggers more than neurotypicals. The implications of that are interesting, and it makes sense.<br /><br />Have you looked into EMDR? I had some success with that for working out some of my PTSD. Other stuff I just did talk therapy and worked things out on my own, like self-soothing while exposing myself to triggers. I have a book that helped with my sexual PTSD: The Survivor's Guide to Sex.<br /><br />CBT helped reduce anxiety and social anxiety, but in the end, meds were the only thing that got rid of it for good.Luna Corbdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-26862413419418622902014-04-01T20:31:48.935-07:002014-04-01T20:31:48.935-07:00I have significant issues with shame myself from m...I have significant issues with shame myself from my childhood, at home and at school. This is a really excellent post and pinpoints a lot of my own difficulties.<br /><br />Have you read anything about complex PTSD? Some of what you described reminds me of literature on it that I discovered recently. I was astounded how the concept pulled things together for me. (To the point where I almost feel like none of my neuroses are native to me and am slightly disappointed. ;-))M.F. Webbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11640523156105860066noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-5277870013865100902013-11-15T12:56:41.941-08:002013-11-15T12:56:41.941-08:00I remember that story. It's a good story and o...I remember that story. It's a good story and one I try to keep in mind. Everyone has their reasons for acting like they do and being who they are, even the worst people.<br /><br />I have those same hopes. I'm glad my posts are helping with that. It's a very nice and unexpected benefit from writing them. Your comment means alot to me. As do your efforts to understand.Luna Corbdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-40426201936868392652013-11-14T17:58:10.433-08:002013-11-14T17:58:10.433-08:00I remember a story by Stephen R.Covey about a man ...I remember a story by Stephen R.Covey about a man and his children that got on the subway. The children were running around, bothering the other passengers, being noisy, fighting and generally out of control. The father seemed totally oblivious to the behavior of his children. Finally a passenger (it might have been Covey) leaned over to the father and asked him if he couldn't see that his children were out of control and bothering all the other passengers and could he please get them under control? As if coming out of a dream, the father came back to the reality of the situation and with tears building in his eyes said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize. We just left the hospital where their mother died". When comparing this to someone I love, but with whom I have struggled to have a relationship her whole life, I feel like the passengers on the train. Being confused in the past with what I've been witnessing.... then having an understanding opened to me with an explanation for the confusion, and a sadness for the pain that I didn't see was there.<br />This example is as a page from a much longer book, paling in comparison to the life long struggle of the lack of a meaningful relationship with this important person in my life. I have often mourned the loss of said relationship. I hope now to be able to understand how to begin to build that relationship. Thanks for your insight and hard work in struggling to understand yourself and helping us to learn how to understand. xo sisJodihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03918409785572333769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-9958142459521901562013-11-07T13:33:37.419-08:002013-11-07T13:33:37.419-08:00:') Thank you. I just read your post on fear, ...:') Thank you. I just read your post on fear, and it is equally powerful. Hugs.Luna Corbdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-77241496688631437282013-11-07T12:55:14.053-08:002013-11-07T12:55:14.053-08:00Oh. You. The words. Putting the thing into words. ...Oh. You. The words. Putting the thing into words. I watched the whole Brene Brown thing. I am familiar with her work, I've engaged in a discussion about shame in autistic space. And I still think. It's the judgment that kills us.<br /><br />You. You. Your words. So powerful. So triggering. So. Yes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-43315867735438102402013-11-06T16:48:23.827-08:002013-11-06T16:48:23.827-08:00Thanks so much for your comment! I'm glad this...Thanks so much for your comment! I'm glad this was good timing for you.<br /><br />Yes, aspies are very different from one another.. they say if you meet one aspie, you've only met that one aspie. This is a great case in point -- I don't think emotional disconnect is an aspie trait. I think some aspies are emotionally disconnected, and others are very self aware. Still others are very aware of the emotional states of others. I have always been extremely introspective, to the point where I consider it a special interest. We all have our own talents.<br /><br />Let me know if you have any other insights.Luna Corbdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-58121682186277556782013-11-06T16:35:46.771-08:002013-11-06T16:35:46.771-08:00Wonderful! Thank you. (For me) the timing of this ...Wonderful! Thank you. (For me) the timing of this post is uncanny. As an occasional self-diagnosed Aspie, I tend to avoid much introversion, as I generally find it unhelpful. I find I'm happier if I just get on with things. But for whatever reason, today I have been thinking about whether I am indeed ASD, and what - if anything - to do about it.<br /><br />Of course there is no "one size fits all" for people with ASD, and it manifests differently in everyone. So... I was thinking about the feelings of shame that I occasionally experience, and how this fits in with the stereotypical ASD emotional disconnect. I was snooping around on WrongPlanet, and saw the link to your post. Very helpful and interesting. I look forward to reading it again later... thanks again :-) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com