tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65269943403441939152024-02-21T04:10:28.884-08:00Luna Corbdenis making you think.Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.comBlogger132125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-10953034887180887172018-02-13T12:57:00.000-08:002018-02-13T13:00:11.627-08:00RadCon 7b ScheduleHeading to <a href="http://www.radcon.org/" target="_blank">RadCon</a> this weekend. Looking forward to geeking out about all my favorite topics with fellow nerds in front of rooms full of people.<br />
<br />
I hope to see you there!<br />
<h2>
Radcon Feb 16-18, 2018</h2>
<div>
<b>Understanding the Fairies of Mythology</b></div>
<div>
Using folklore and mythology, this panel will help you understand the most interesting characters in fairy tales, and the fairies themselves.</div>
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<b>Fri 3:15-4:15p – Rm 2209</b></div>
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With: Kaye Thornbrugh, Tammy Tripp, Ty Hulse</div>
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<b>Self-care for the HSP</b></div>
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What is a highly sensitive person (HSP), and what are the gifts and challenges of being HSP? How can one design a life that works with the gifts while staying balanced and healthy?</div>
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<b>Fri 5:45-6:45p – Rm 2203</b></div>
<div>
With: Jeanette Bennett, Judy Johnson, Tamra Excell<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<b>Consent, Coercion, and Everything In-between</b></div>
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Does playful coercion violate consent? When has the bridge between playful and abusive been crossed? We will discuss the importance of communication, and how without it even the happiest of situations can turn into a psychological mess.</div>
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<b>Fri 9:30-10:30p – Rm 2209</b></div>
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With: Amanda Baldwin, Bruce Kenoyer II, Craig Jackson, Kevin Wiley, Tamra Excell</div>
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<b>Writing Mind Control</b></div>
<div>
Your villain runs a creepy cult. Your protagonist chooses to remain in an abusive relationship. Your antagonist is a manipulative con artist. A side character is a cult exit counselor. What can transform an intelligent skeptic into a Koolaid-drinker? No magic, truth serums, hypnotic chants, or hand-waving required. Learn the real science behind cults, cons, and coercion for writing realistic mind control.</div>
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<b>Sat 9:00a-10:00a – Rm 2203</b></div>
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With: Frog Jones, Jaleta Clegg</div>
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<b>Integrating Regional Settings into your work</b></div>
<div>
SF and fantasy aren't tied to a region, right? We all know that fantasy is faux European and SF is...well, out in space, right? Actually, not so much. How to apply the region and setting you know and love to your science fiction and fantasy writing and have fun doing it.</div>
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<b>Sat 11:30a-12:30p – Rm 2207</b></div>
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With: Esther Jones, Frances Pauli, Frog Jones, Joyce Reynolds-Ward<br />
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<b>Empaths, Synesthetes, & Other Super Powers</b></div>
<div>
What does science tell us about empathic abilities, synesthesia, and other multi-sensory ways of perceiving - and interacting with - the world? Explore the benefits and challenges experienced by people with these “super powers”. Be ready to share. Excellent opportunity for writers crafting a character with one or more of these traits.</div>
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<b>Sat 2:00-3:00p – Rm 2203</b></div>
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With: Jaleta Clegg, John Alexander, Joyce Reynolds-Ward, Tamra Excell</div>
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<b>Creativity Gadgets: The Most Useful Technologies for Writers</b></div>
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Technology is distracting – the bane of the modern writer's existence. Yet technologies also give us a wealth of tools that great writers of the past would have killed their favorite character for. From idea generators to Scrivener, from Panlexicon to productivity apps. From story dice, to Pinterest, to Wikipedia, to streaming music services, to distraction blockers, to name databases, to tablets and smart phones. And finally, once the story is finished, tools can help you sell stories! How can modern technology, both electronic and analog, help writers generate new ideas, stay productive, and streamline the writing process for maximum quality and productivity? Bring a notepad (or your iPad) to jot down the dozens of new gadgets, apps, and websites to try!</div>
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<b>Sat 3:15-4:15p – Rm 2203</b></div>
<div>
With: Adriane Ceallaigh, Crissy Moss, Jeanette Bennett, Scott James Magner</div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Writing, Fiction, and the Mind</b></div>
<div>
Panels frequently address the "hows" of writing, but what about the "whys"? What is it about story that keeps people coming back for more? It turns out, narratives aren't just frivolous and fun. Come learn what every writer should on why we crave narrative and how it helps us function.</div>
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<b>Sat 9:30-10:30p – Rm 2205</b></div>
<div>
With: Manny Frishberg, Frog Jones, Rhiannon Louve, Sanan Kolva<br />
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<b>The Science of Believing</b></div>
<div>
Lots of people believe in things that are, or aren't, real. Not everyone can be right, but everyone thinks they are. As humans, we cling to our convictions as if they were life preservers. Why do we believe things, even when those things are strange or unpopular? And why is it so hard to face being wrong? Science has studied these questions and come up with interesting answers. Come learn about cognitive dissonance theory, cognitive biases, the levers of influence, and mental shortcuts that leave all of us ready to defend our beliefs, sometimes even to the death.</div>
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<b>Sun 2:00-3:00p – Rm 2309</b></div>
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With: G. David Nordley, John Alexander, Joyce Reynolds-Ward, Judy Johnson</div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
I'll be signing and selling books in the Authors Alley on Sunday at 12pm. (Location TBD.)</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-61545047007843594972016-09-02T18:24:00.001-07:002016-09-05T12:48:38.791-07:00The Complete Skr1pt Kiddie Guide to Elite Hacker GamesThe learning curve for information security (aka hacking) can be pretty steep. In addition to understanding tools, exploits, coding, and attack vectors, there's also absorbing the subversive thinking it takes to be a hacker. Nature vs. Nurture: Perhaps people are born with these traits, or perhaps they can be taught. I'd argue that if you're curious enough to try to learn, you've got the proper nature. Now it's time to nurture.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEkrWRHCDQU" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS8d53rozbIa7-sIGgDlPHkO_TD37TP28lfKfmZSqqWF92yfDg87yW3BXLNGdfnnbyJ2NkteBGGglFn5bGF-OgiDgt6ryv9t1rJIlun3Wny944YFuiON5psKUdDRPsoJYTT3ApQNSb9Rs/s320/ded.png" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Example of old school hacking,<br />
From the true-to-life 1983 documentary, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEkrWRHCDQU" target="_blank">Hackerman</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Back in the day, we had to learn these concepts by word of mouth, by finding a mentor or have hacker friends, or by brute-force figuring it all out our own damned selves. Moreover, computer equipment was expensive, so experimentation was prohibitive for most of us. To learn, we had to crack live systems which were someone else's property, which was both unethical and illegal.<br />
<br />
Today, in this magical virtual world built by us old school hackers, we have the luxury not only of wikis, videos, training programs (some at actual colleges!), cheap hardware, and virtual machines to learn on, but we also have a fine collection of hacker games.<br />
<br />
There are three categories of hacker games:<br />
<ol>
<li>Technical games involve the practice of actual coding or cryptanalysis.</li>
<li>Hacker logic games which teach hacker thinking processes, but the interface and skill bears little resemblance to real-life hacking. </li>
<li>Hacker-motif games full of green-on-black facades, but with little relation to real hacking.</li>
</ol>
This list includes games in the first two categories, that is, games of substance that teach something about real hacking.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f6/36/0d/f6360df9be90fa7b03cb7f4e7b5a6dc6.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-7bpdRE51AsR38Rk1x-deuCVuTGB8_iraI2-zDkhNd-WqCq7T6Gek_G2NXSasZpF-V6Y7JqUS0Ef7vQvRFbF71zPr28sf-OtZd0TyDzmzsFDzzHrcO3gmRCzEfaFYyQzzNDHJpIO4a9I/s400/f6360df9be90fa7b03cb7f4e7b5a6dc6.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f6/36/0d/f6360df9be90fa7b03cb7f4e7b5a6dc6.jpg" target="_blank">Click to embiggen.</a><br />
(Remember to say "Enhance!")</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And a quick note about what I mean by "hacking". I define hacking as "any attempt to subvert the designed purpose for a technology, to use it in a way that was not originally intended." This stereotypically include infosec, that is, breaking and entering computers and networks (and defending against said breaking and entering), but it also includes all manner of opening things up, figuring out how they work, and changing them. If you've ever soldered tiny cargo bays to your quadcopter so you can glitterbomb tourists in downtown Seattle*, you're a hacker.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">* No confirmed sightings have been reported, however, if someone were to happen to create such a thing, I am completely not responsible.</span><br />
<br />
I've not played all of these, so my description and categorization of them might be off. A listing with a checkmark means I've played it for at least 5 hours.<br />
<br />
And listing of the game does not mean I vouch for it.<br />
<br />
One last point: If you want to get the full value from these games, don't resort to walkthroughs! Googling how to do something is useful, because you're learning a skill and applying it to a new problem. But looking up the answer in the back of the book teaches you nothing. If you're "stuck", you should spend at least a few days pondering it <span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span> then and only then should you go looking for a hint. And I said *hint*, not walkthrough. Looking up the answer should be a last resort.<br />
<h2>
Lower Tech, Hacking Themed Games:</h2>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9l-Qfqt5ZiFfgXhB-zOjzLFVOZLJ6DpKDlU0YKcZPEoqgCiikGI_oaunqMs8XnLSW8O3X8SDhmbagkK15fOxICMOMmAPvNfEQqtmeXwu6rlce4cHBPNNLh6BhOafXA1cOpuY80pg6FAk/s1600/Hacker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9l-Qfqt5ZiFfgXhB-zOjzLFVOZLJ6DpKDlU0YKcZPEoqgCiikGI_oaunqMs8XnLSW8O3X8SDhmbagkK15fOxICMOMmAPvNfEQqtmeXwu6rlce4cHBPNNLh6BhOafXA1cOpuY80pg6FAk/s320/Hacker.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Look like a hacker, without all the mess!<br />
(Seriously, he's wearing a TIE?!)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Most of these require download and install, for various platforms, including Windows, Linux, Android, and iOS. Some are web-based.</div>
<ul>
<li><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span>Digital: A Love Story </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://scoutshonour.com/digital/" target="_blank">http://scoutshonour.com/digital/</a><br />Story-based adventure game that simulates a 1988 computer environment. Solved through email and dialing into BBSes. Loved this game.</li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span><b>Uplink </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://www.introversion.co.uk/uplink/" target="_blank">https://www.introversion.co.uk/uplink/</a><br /> Simulated hacking environment, which simplifies hacking tools but retains the logic. Awesome game.</li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span><b>The Secret World </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.thesecretworld.com/" target="_blank">http://www.thesecretworld.com/</a><br />An MMORPG that requires a hacker brain. Set in a dark version of the modern world of conspiracies, werewolves, and Lovecraftian bliss, it's a regular MMO in many ways: You have a character, get gear, and level up. But to get through the story, you have to solve actual puzzles, including cracking passwords on real (staged) websites. There's Morse Code in the early game that you have to transcribe in order to progress. (Which is harder than it seems if you don't know Morse Code.) As with Telehack, if you want to really learn the hacker mentality, you should solve all puzzles yourself (even if you're stumped) rather than fall back to the wikis and walkthroughs.</li>
<li><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span>Hacker Evolution </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.exosyphen.com/page_hackerevolutionuntold.html" target="_blank">http://www.exosyphen.com/page_hackerevolutionuntold.html</a><br />A story-based game which, like Digital: A Love Story, immerses you by placing you at a simulated computer console. The story unfolds as you receive emails and take on hacking tasks. Again, the tech is simplified, but you still have to explore and think like a hacker.<a name='more'></a></li>
<li><b>HackNet </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.hacknet-os.com/" target="_blank">http://www.hacknet-os.com/</a><br />The description says it's a "terminal-based hacking simulator."</li>
<li><b>Hacker Experience </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://hackerexperience.com/" target="_blank">https://hackerexperience.com/</a><br />Virtual simulated hackable world.</li>
<li><b>Hacker Project </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.hacker-project.com/" target="_blank">http://www.hacker-project.com/</a><br />Story-driven hacking simulator. Web-based.</li>
<li><b>Slavehack </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.slavehack.com/" target="_blank">http://www.slavehack.com/</a><br />Web-based hacking simulator.</li>
<li><b>Hacker Forever </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.hackerforever.com/guest.php" target="_blank">http://www.hackerforever.com/guest.php</a><br />Text-based browser and mobile multiplayer hacking simulator.</li>
<li><b>Secret Republic </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://secretrepublic.net/" target="_blank">http://secretrepublic.net/</a><br />Multiplayer hacking simulator.</li>
<li><b>Mainlining</b> <span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mainlining/mainlining/description">https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mainlining/mainlining/description</a><br />This adventure-style hacker sim does not yet exist, and is still in Kickstarter. Consider supporting it! Hat Tip: <a href="https://twitter.com/virturity" target="_blank">@virtuity</a></li>
<li><b>Geek Typer </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://geektyper.com/" target="_blank">http://geektyper.com/</a><br />Totally not even a game. But that doesn't matter. Fake it till you make it. Type like a geek!</li>
</ul>
<h2>
Technical Hacking Games:</h2>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEfbCkYjF1fScJAzjBvP0j8kU-Sy-yvnaIjKslBRKN1oMBj3N9sztx65YxksvxA9TJJnsvBQkHL_oZcvAyhnQSNPOluu94gQs7ok-PRUYmj-CooKUC7KZlf3VhwDcWb-WqikVeWl0gHCs/s1600/l93205-11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEfbCkYjF1fScJAzjBvP0j8kU-Sy-yvnaIjKslBRKN1oMBj3N9sztx65YxksvxA9TJJnsvBQkHL_oZcvAyhnQSNPOluu94gQs7ok-PRUYmj-CooKUC7KZlf3VhwDcWb-WqikVeWl0gHCs/s320/l93205-11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Typical scene from DEFCON. Learn the skillz to be legit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Most of these technical games are web-based and require no installs. Most are free.</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span><b>TryThis0ne </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.trythis0ne.com/" target="_blank">http://www.trythis0ne.com/</a><br />Solve real hacking and crypto puzzles. (I'm not sure if it's being maintained; I can't see my score anymore.) This game is awesome.</li>
<li><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span>Hack This Site </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://www.hackthissite.org/" target="_blank">https://www.hackthissite.org/</a><br />Like TryThis0ne, it's a series of various hacker and crypto puzzles. Also awesome.</li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span><b>Telehack </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://telehack.com/" target="_blank">http://telehack.com/</a><br />"Playable archaeology," Telehack simulates the old BBS & pre-web internet, tho it is greatly simplified. Can be played on the web or go old school with telnet. I <3 this game so much.<br /><br />P.S. I started their <a href="http://telehack.wikia.com/wiki/Telehack_Wiki" target="_blank">wiki</a>, but if you want to learn hacker thinking skills, it's better to learn to play the hard way, through experimentation and reading menus and text files within the game, rather than resorting to the wiki. Figuring things out yourself is part of the hacker mindset, and the true value of this game. I debated putting this under Technical or Low-Tech, but if you play without the Wiki, it's technical enough.</li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 22px; line-height: 33px;">✔ </span><b>Morse Toad </b>(iOS & Android, Free) <span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/morse-toad/id906586079?mt=8" target="_blank">https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/morse-toad/id906586079?mt=8</a><br />Learn Morse Code with this cute digital frog.</li>
<li><b>Gruyere </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://google-gruyere.appspot.com/" target="_blank">https://google-gruyere.appspot.com</a><br />An app security sandbox and teaching tool by Google.</li>
<li><b>Untrusted </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://alexnisnevich.github.io/untrusted/" target="_blank">https://alexnisnevich.github.io/untrusted/</a><br />Hack Javascript to win a web based game - cheating is required.</li>
<li><b>CryptoClub </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.cryptoclub.org/" target="_blank">http://www.cryptoclub.org/</a><br />Designed for kids, this game teaches the basics of cryptography and ciphers</li>
<li><b>Damn Vulnerable Web App </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.dvwa.co.uk/" target="_blank">http://www.dvwa.co.uk/</a> <br />It's a web app. And it's vulnerable. Break it.</li>
<li><b>DC DarkNet </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://dcdark.net/" target="_blank">https://dcdark.net/</a><br />An annual crypto/hacker puzzle that coincides with <a href="https://www.defcon.org/" target="_blank">DEFCON</a>. This is a team event.</li>
<li><b>NSA Crypto Challenge </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://www.guardsupport.com/crypto/index.asp" target="_blank">https://www.guardsupport.com/crypto/index.asp</a><br />A weekly cryptanalysis puzzle presented by our surveillance overlords. At the moment, it's just a simple cryptogram like the ones I used to solve in the newspaper. I'm not sure if they get more advanced.</li>
<li><b>XXS- Game </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://xss-game.appspot.com/" target="_blank">https://xss-game.appspot.com/</a><br />Teaches actual <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-site_scripting" target="_blank">cross-site scripting</a>. Also by Google.</li>
<li><b>Hack This! </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://www.hackthis.co.uk/" target="_blank">https://www.hackthis.co.uk/</a><br />Similar to TryThis0ne and Hack This Site, a series of real hacking challenges.</li>
<li><b>Hax.tor </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://hax.tor.hu/welcome/" target="_blank">http://hax.tor.hu/welcome/</a><br />Another one like Hack This Site, a series of challenges.</li>
<li><b>hackxor </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://hackxor.sourceforge.net/cgi-bin/index.pl" target="_blank">http://hackxor.sourceforge.net/cgi-bin/index.pl</a> <br />Story-driven series of hacker challenges. </li>
<li><b>Injection </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://schilcote.itch.io/injection" target="_blank">http://schilcote.itch.io/injection</a><br />Write code in Python to solve puzzles.</li>
<li><b>TIS-100 </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="http://www.zachtronics.com/tis-100/" target="_blank">http://www.zachtronics.com/tis-100/</a><br />Fix corrupted lines of code to learn Assembly! (Download and purchase. Steam and iOS,)</li>
</ul>
<h2>
Bonus Category: Advanced</h2>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgABqkPyolBqBqD2ZazSdIdr-j-Y1uxShfz3LRI73M19SM3-erxTy_8AaIw1b8J1c6F5rrxy8W0YatOaooQKSYZ4OizGf4k7IAUhycOEBwbt6WM552CYR1Bf9P4kVEjAlQkXYXo0EVJ-JM/s1600/b05e3f6cb517fcf30d39daaba52163cf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgABqkPyolBqBqD2ZazSdIdr-j-Y1uxShfz3LRI73M19SM3-erxTy_8AaIw1b8J1c6F5rrxy8W0YatOaooQKSYZ4OizGf4k7IAUhycOEBwbt6WM552CYR1Bf9P4kVEjAlQkXYXo0EVJ-JM/s200/b05e3f6cb517fcf30d39daaba52163cf.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's not stupid. It's advaaaanced!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
These aren't technically games, but rather, hacking testbeds that you can set up on your own system and challenge yourself to complete them all.</div>
<ul>
<li><b>SQLi-Labs 65 SQL Injection Labs </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://github.com/Audi-1/sqli-labs" target="_blank">https://github.com/Audi-1/sqli-labs</a><br />Mess around with SQL Injection to learn how Little Bobby Tables got his Master's Degree.</li>
<li><b>Metasploitable VMs </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18.2px;">—</span><br /><a href="https://sourceforge.net/projects/metasploitable/" target="_blank">https://sourceforge.net/projects/metasploitable/</a><br />Metasploit is a hacker tool that assembles an impressive number of scanners and exploits into one powerful machine. Metasploitables are downloadable virtual machines with known vulnerabilities, so you can practice using Metasploit without breaking any laws. The idea is you grab a VM of something like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BackTrack" target="_blank">Backtrack</a> or <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kali_Linux" target="_blank">Kali</a> Linux (which come pre-installed with Metasploit and other tools), and a Metasploitable, and pit the two machines against each other, all while learning both offense and defense. I've been thinking about doing this and live streaming my learning process on <a href="https://www.twitch.tv/" target="_blank">Twitch</a>, but this is a project I will likely never get around to.</li>
</ul>
<h2>
Want More? So do I.</h2>
If these aren't enough, there's a bunch more on this link which I haven't sorted yet: <a href="http://hiddenspider.net/links/hacker-games">http://hiddenspider.net/links/hacker-games</a><br />
<br />
And once, maybe 15 years ago, I stumbled upon a game where you have to solve various elements hidden within the static HTML, and other 4th-wall breaking puzzles, to advance. I think of it often, and I wish I could remember the name of it so I could find it again! If it still exists. If you know of this game, please tell me in the comments.<br />
<br />
<b>I'm highly interested in finding more, especially those teaching real technical skills. Please let me know in the comments, and I'll add them to the list.</b><br />
<br />
<br />Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-42794321226320314132016-03-07T14:00:00.001-08:002016-07-23T15:35:59.029-07:002015 Accomplishments, 2016 GoalsIt's a little late for the traditional writer's New Year post, listing my prior accomplishments and this year's goals, but I figure this way I'm at an advantage. Because I've already accomplished some things this year!<br />
<br />
In truth, these posts are more for my own sake than yours. They help me look back and see that I'm actually getting things done, even when in the moment I feel like a miserable failure.<br />
<br />
<div class="p2">
What did I do in 2015? I survived. And for me, for this year, that is quite an accomplishment. 2015 goes on record as being one of the worst years of my life. I left my two life-partners under extremely painful conditions, put myself in the hospital to prevent my suicide, lost my means of support, moved twice in two months, considered my limited career options, and began my recovery from the brand new case of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder">Complex-PTSD</a> that I developed over 7 years in a trauma-inducing environment.</div>
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<br /></div>
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This has left me with an unimaginable level of anxiety, depression, and cognitive impairments which make work extra difficult and discouraging. But I'm recovering, even if slower than I'd like.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I survived. A great big check off the list!</div>
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That said, I didn’t let myself off the hook too much. Even though I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to (see <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2015/01/2014-accomplishments-2015-goals.html">last year's post</a>), in some ways I accomplished more. And I crossed some significant goals off my list.<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>Sold one short story, <i>Theogenesis Gimmick</i>, which just came out in the <a href="http://www.drivethrufiction.com/product/172945/Truth-Beyond-Paradox">Truth Beyond Paradox</a> anthology, which you can purchase at the link.</li>
<li>Another of my previously published stories (<a href="http://www.unlikely-story.com/stories/meltdown-in-freezer-three-by-luna-lindsey/">Meltdown in Freezer Three</a>) became SFWA qualifying (one more till Active Member!)</li>
<li>Wrote two posts that were published on the SFWA blog.</li>
<li>Had fun speaking on Radcon 6C panels.</li>
<li>I was a <a href="http://www.norwescon.org/2014/04/21/norwescon-38-will-be-april-2-5-2015/">Norwescon</a> panelist for the first time! Huge bucket list accomplishment.</li>
<li>Presented at <a href="https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/2015-symposium-program-schedule/">Sunstone Symposium</a> for the first time. An amazing experience that I would like to repeat.</li>
<li>Presented at an International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) conference on <a href="http://www.icsahome.com/events/conferencesantafe">Helping Former Members and Their Families</a> in Santa Fe.</li>
<li>My talk was selected to present at the big <a href="http://www.icsahome.com/events/conferenceannual">ICSA conference in Dallas</a> next summer.</li>
<li>Created a number of video podcasts <a href="http://recoveringagency.com/consolidated-analyses-of-lds-manipulation/">analyzing LDS Conference talks</a>, with Jonathan Streeter.</li>
<li>In spite of the financial challenges getting there, I helped launch the first year of the DEFCON Biohacking Village, and committed to running their CFP Review in 2016.</li>
<li>Attended Rainforest Writer's Retreat.</li>
<li>Wrote a large number of <a href="http://recoveringagency.com/blog/">Recovering Agency blog posts</a>, including in-depth conference talk analyses</li>
<li>Participated heavily in the outrage against the <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/11/05/mormon-church-to-exclude-children-of-same-sex-couples-from-getting-blessed-and-baptized-until-they-are-18/">LDS LGBT Exclusion Policy</a>, and helped comfort (and allowed myself to be comforted) those who were impacted by this decision.</li>
<li>Moved to a wonderful new house.</li>
<li>Learned an unbelievable amount about life and grew in ways that's really difficult to quantify.</li>
<li>Had a number of significant spiritual experiences which are difficult to quantify or even explain.</li>
</ul>
<div>
In short, I have no idea how I did all of that, given where I've been. Even though I'm an atheist and a skeptic, I did feel my feet being guided often this year, like I was being placed in the right spaces at the right times, and carried through rough patches that I wasn't sure I could navigate. For this, I am grateful to The Universe for the wonders I've been shown.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Now to 2016!</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The future is so uncertain. And because of that uncertainty, these goals are more squishy (less specific) than I prefer. But it's important to write these things down. It helps make them true.</div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>Keep surviving (because some days it’s still hard!)</li>
<li>Continue trauma recovery and be happy with where I'm at.</li>
<li>Release the Recovering Agency audiobook.</li>
<li>Submit more stories, publish more fiction.</li>
<li>Write more fiction.</li>
<li>Make more income.</li>
<li>Successfully run the CFP for the DEFCON Biohacking Village.</li>
<li>Speak at Sunstone Symposium on multiple topics.</li>
<li>Speak at ICSA Dallas (already accepted!)</li>
<li>Panels at NWC and Radcon (already did Radcon!)</li>
<li>More blog posts and mind control analysis of LDS Conference Talks.</li>
<li>More writing for the SFWA blog.</li>
<li>Complete my first paid speaking gig (already accepted!)</li>
<li>Publish a few more short ebooks using material I've already written.</li>
<li>More guest posts. Stretch goal: maybe even a big one on a well-known and possibly paying blog, like HuffPo, MarySue, Jezebel. Bonus points if it pays!</li>
<li>Stretch goal: Write and/or publish a new book, either fiction or nonfiction.</li>
</ul>
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Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-4543013456785025392016-01-26T14:19:00.000-08:002016-01-26T14:19:10.687-08:00Radcon 7 and Norwescon 39 Panel ScheduleIt's con season again! I'm so excited to announce my panel schedule for <a href="http://www.radcon.org/">Radcon</a> 7 (Pasco, WA) and <a href="http://www.norwescon.org/">Norwescon</a> 39 (Sea-Tac, WA March 24-27). These are some really awesome topics at two of my most favorite cons. I hope to see you there!<br />
<h2>
Radcon Feb 12-14, 2016</h2>
<div>
<b>The Science of Believing</b></div>
<div>
Lots of people believe in things that are, or aren't, real. Not everyone can be right, but everyone thinks they are. As humans, we cling to our convictions as if they were life preservers. Why do we believe things, even when those things are strange or unpopular? And why is it so hard to face being wrong? Science has studied these questions and come up with interesting answers. Come learn about cognitive dissonance theory, cognitive biases, the levers of influence, and mental shortcuts that leave all of us ready to defend our beliefs, sometimes even to the death.</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 1:45-2:45p – Rm 2205</b> </div>
<div>
With: Peter Jones, Rory Miller</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Empaths, Synesthetes, & Other Super Powers</b></div>
<div>
What does science tell us about empathic abilities, synesthesia, and other multi-sensory ways of perceiving - and interacting with - the world? Explore the benefits and challenges experienced by people with these "super powers". Be ready to share. Excellent opportunity for writers crafting a character with one or more of these traits.</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 5:30-6:30p – Rm 2201</b></div>
<div>
With: Alma Alexander, John Alexander, Joyce Reynolds-Ward, Tamra Excell<a name='more'></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Polyamory Revival</b></div>
<div>
Polyamory is returning to mainstream consciousness with hit shows like "Polyamory: Married and Dating" on Showtime and feature stories in major news outlets. Learn how polyamory is from times of old, how agriculture and property ownership changed family dynamics, and how certain polyamory models are especially empowering for women. Enjoy the discussion, and walk away with suggested readings to further your knowledge on this fascinating subject.</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 8:00-9:00p – Rm 2201</b></div>
<div>
With: Amanda Baldwin, Bruce Kenoyer II, Craig Jackson, Kevin Wiley, Tamra Excell</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>50 Shades of Consent</b></div>
<div>
With the success of books like 50 Shades of Grey, more people than ever are reading about BDSM. But when writing about it, what are some misunderstandings or common errors to avoid? How can writers present it in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual?</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 9:15-10:15p – Rm 2201</b></div>
<div>
With: Amanda Baldwin, Craig Jackson, Peter Jones, Rhiannon Louve</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Mind Control</b></div>
<div>
Your villain runs a creepy cult. Your protagonist chooses to remain in an abusive relationship. Your antagonist is a manipulative con artist. A side character is a cult exit counselor. What can transform an intelligent skeptic into a Koolaid-drinker? No magic, truth serums, hypnotic chants, or hand-waving required. Learn the real science behind cults, cons, and coercion for writing realistic mind control.</div>
<div>
<b>Sat 11:15-12:15a – Rm 2201</b></div>
<div>
With: Peter Jones, Rory Miller</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Reading: TBA (Theogenesis Gimmick?)</b></div>
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<b>Sat 12:30-1p – Rm 2211</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Surviving the Post-Apocalypse with Disabilities</b></div>
<div>
Survive a post-apocalyptic world with disabilities, both mental and physical, visible and invisible. How do you find food when you have difficulty walking? How do you defend yourself against mutants and rogues while managing PTSD triggers? What will you do without ready access to medications that stave off chronic pain, heart disease, depression, or attention difficulties? Might some disabilities actually become hidden strengths in a world where society has been turned upside down? The panelists are personally experienced with disabilities and will discuss their plans to stay alive through whatever may come. Bring your survival instinct and prepare to prevail.</div>
<div>
<b>Sat 5:30-6:30p – Rm 2205</b></div>
<div>
With: Bill Holden, Eytan Kollin, John McDonald</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Diversity in Fiction</b></div>
<div>
Our world, and our fandom, is expanding. How is a simple SF/F author to keep up? Come talk with a panel of authors who know a thing or two about inclusive writing. Find out how to go about, why to go about it, and when to go about it (Hint: The answer is now!).</div>
<div>
<b>Sun 10:00-11:00am – Rm 2203</b></div>
<div>
With: Alma Alexander, J Tullos Hennig, Kaye Thornbrugh, Peter Jones</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Geek Boys vs. the Feminists: An Empathetic Look at Gender in the Geek Community</b></div>
<div>
Through the 70s, 80s, and 90s, geeks banded together against an oppressive world that mistreated them and refused to understand them. They created acceptance and friends where previously they had only experienced bullying and ostracism. Now those geeks feel oppressed by a new threat: feminism. Except, the threat isn't new. And it isn't a threat. Male geeks and feminist geeks have more in common than we have different. Let's discuss the intersectionality of the geek cause with the feminist cause, and why inclusion, not busty body armor, should be the common interest that holds the geek community together.</div>
<div>
<b>Sun 12:30-1:30p – Rm 2201</b></div>
<div>
With: J Tullos Hennig, Tim Martin</div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>The Psychology of hackers and gamers; a male/female perspective</b></div>
<div>
With the advent of Gamergate and the press a portion of the gaming community has garnered, people are looking at the anti-social aspect of gaming and of hacking. What are these issues, which are real and which are myths? Come join us for what promises to be a lively discussion.</div>
<div>
<b>Sun 1:45-2:45p – Rm 2207</b></div>
<div>
With: L James, Meg James, Peter Jones, Tim Martin</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h2>
Norwescon March 24-27, 2016</h2>
<div>
<b>The Future of Accessibility</b></div>
<div>
As much as we might want a future where every injury can be healed, chances are there will always be some things beyond our ability to fix, and situations where tried-and-true will remain the best course. So how might one navigate micro gravity with a leg cast? Would a paraplegic still use a wheelchair, or would exo-skeletons or bionic legs be standard practice? Could robots replace service animals? Let's talk.</div>
<div>
<b>Thur 9:00-10:00p – Cascade 3&4</b></div>
<div>
With: Pat MacEwen (M), Sar Surmick, Dr. Ricky</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Invisibile Disabilities</b></div>
<div>
<div>
Not every disability is apparent at a glance, nor is anyone's personal health anyone else's business. From mental illness to chronic disease to a variety of syndromes and impairments too lengthy to list, we'll discuss the difficulties of living with chronic health conditions, the stigmas associated, what progress has (or hasn't) been made in reforming public perception, and strategies on getting other people to mind their own blasted business.</div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 12:00-1:00p – Cascade 10</b></div>
<div>
With: Gregory Gadow (M), Cheryce Clayton, Michael 'Tinker' Pearce</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Magic Rumble</b></div>
<div>
<div>
Join our pros as they each are given a magical system and debate which would reign supreme.</div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 5:00-6:00p – Cascade 3&4</b></div>
<div>
With: Grant T. Riddell (M), Peter Orullian, Logan L. Masterson</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Creativity & Disabilities</b></div>
<div>
Whether your problems are physical or psychological, there's no denying that being creative and creating art is difficult to almost impossible when a disability stands in your way. Come learn how different artists and writers work with, past, or through their personal disabilities and limitations to create their art.</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 6:00-7:00p – Cascade 10</b></div>
<div>
With: Kevin Mathews (M), Liv Rainey-Smith, Mark Chapman, Spencer Ellsworth</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Consensual Non-Monogamy 101</b></div>
<div>
What is consensual non-monogamy? Is it polyamory or swinging or polygamy or relationship anarchy? Why would anyone want more than one partner? What important advice is there for starting out? How do you do you minimize hurt feelings? Can you? How do more conservative family members react to these plural relationships? Should you, shouldn't you? What are the pros and cons?</div>
<div>
<b>Fri 7:00-8:00p – Evergreen 1&2</b></div>
<div>
With: Sar Surmick (M), Sheye Anne Blaze, Wednesday Phoenix, Burton Gamble</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>A Culture By Any Other Name</b></div>
<div>
<div>
Many alien cultures bear a strikingly humanized feel to them. Yet, does creating alien cultures too foreign in design make them too hard to be relatable? The pitfalls, pros, and cons of alien cultures is discussed.</div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Sat 12:00-1:00p – Cascade 10</b></div>
<div>
With: Jason Bourget (M), Caroline M. Yoachim, Kim Ritchie, Lawrence M. Schoen</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Reading: Theogenesis Gimmick</b> (forthcoming in the Truth in Paradox anthology by Onyx Path)</div>
<div>
A young woman finds out what happens when you click one of those "One Weird Trick!" ads and finds herself awakened to a puzzling world filled with gods and magic.</div>
<div>
<b>Sat 1:00-1:30p – Cascade 1</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Sex & Gender Fluidity</b></div>
<div>
<div>
We are used to thinking about people in binary terms, but reality is nowhere near that simple. Join our panelists as they discuss what we know -- and do not know -- about the biology of sex and gender.</div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Sat 8:00-9:00p – Cascade 5&6</b></div>
<div>
With: Sar Surmick (M), Amber Clark, Wednesday Phoenix, Gregory Gadow</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>A Thousand Words</b></div>
<div>
Literature may be the art of beautiful words, but sometimes great writing comes from--or cooperates with--great images. Come hear how writers use drawings, photographs, and maps for inspiration, worldbuilding, character development, and more.</div>
<div>
<b>Sun 11:00-12:00a – Evergreen 3&4</b></div>
<div>
With: Brenda Carre (M), Nina Post, Gregory A. Wilson</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>The Human Element: PTSD in Science Fiction</b></div>
<div>
Be it the rigors of space travel or the weight of destroying an entire species, protagonists in science fiction take those fights home with them. Join our panelists as they discuss the nature of post-traumatic stress disorder in science fiction.</div>
<div>
<b>Sun 3:00-4:00p – Cascade 5&6</b></div>
<div>
James C. Glass (M), Sar Surmick, Robert J. Sawyer</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-66430210790804529152015-08-18T18:41:00.000-07:002015-08-19T16:47:24.996-07:00DEFCON 23: Putting the Confidence in "Con"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="p1">
I left DEFCON last year wondering how I could give back. This year, I realized that I've always been giving back.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjltEyswDMjuoIKYttSH-_4ITNtM6r_eiTFwkzsBf14SiCKBTKjN6Lw-j4Rh0Ut2KG-ofkTZQCEX8nPucgla2AkmPd-37pCMXNAOeuxNUS6zYAh9CO9C8R9eQIjMWodu6T3dgpsrIMf9_A/s1600/DC+Sign+cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjltEyswDMjuoIKYttSH-_4ITNtM6r_eiTFwkzsBf14SiCKBTKjN6Lw-j4Rh0Ut2KG-ofkTZQCEX8nPucgla2AkmPd-37pCMXNAOeuxNUS6zYAh9CO9C8R9eQIjMWodu6T3dgpsrIMf9_A/s400/DC+Sign+cropped.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I almost skipped <a href="https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-23/dc-23-index.html">DEFCON 23</a>. I lost my means of support in May and my savings is running out. The wise thing would have been to stay home. But I justified how I should throw caution to the wind and find the means to go, and I'm so glad I did. DEFCON never disappoints.</div>
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Highlights of my DC23 experience: </div>
<div class="p1">
</div>
<ul>
<li>Brought my own phonograph so I could listen to the badge</li>
<li>Helped run the first-year <a href="http://www.dcbhv.org/">Biohacking Village</a></li>
<li>Socialized and made new friends and contacts</li>
<li>Networked and pursued job opportunities (this is how I justified the expense)</li>
<li>Enjoyed <a href="http://www.queercon.org/">Queercon</a> 12 events and Queercon's sweet badge</li>
<li>Attended the <a href="http://www.telephreak.org/">Telephreak</a> party</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="p1">
But the real highlight wasn't any single event; it was something I carried within me through the series of mind-blowing events that made up DEFCON. It really is all about "what you bring to the party." This is such a huge ridiculous lifecoachy cliché… but you don't really <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grok">grok</a> these tidbits of wisdom until you've experienced certain angles of life and succeeded at taking the right kinds of risks.</div>
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For the last few years, I've been developing social confidence. These are skills I've been trying to learn my whole life, but confidence cannot be taught. It can only be learned. There is no secret recipe, and describing my path to this point would fill it's own blog post. But I can distill the core of what I've learned into simple phrase:</div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">You have something to give.</span></b></div>
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<div class="p1">
Once you grok this concept, not just on the surface, but on a deep level, it becomes easily to have faith in your strengths and talents. Then the social confidence just follows. </div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="p2">
I've come a long way since <a href="https://cognitiveresurgence.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/defcon-recap-2009-adventures-of-a-hacker-groupie/#more-32">my first DEFCON in the Riv eight years ago</a> (technically the linked write-up is from my second DEFCON), from my "I'm not worthy to be here!" outlook to the spunk and swagger I have today. </div>
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<b>I couldn't talk myself out of the fear of being a poser. I had to learn by doing.</b><br />
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One way to convince yourself that you have something to give is to start giving. Take a leap of faith and do things, make stuff, help people. Don't be down on yourself about how you're not smart enough or your efforts aren't good enough. You'd be amazed at how little you have to do or know to get involved. It's a lot of work to do all the cool things that happen in the world, and as I learned, even contributing a couple of hours of menial labor is far more than most people contribute, and even small gestures will make you stand out and open up new opportunities for learning, growth, and connection.</div>
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<h4>
My big project this year, which took very little time or effort, was helping put on the first <a href="http://www.dcbhv.org/">Biohacking Village</a>. </h4>
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<a href="http://www.dcbhv.org/"><img border="0" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiWTXmtXAygp1s5-iM6pI1m0J8V-Gp6FhqEIxcT5yGj8aByL6ATt79GVCJzeZnASDiziI2Ckl-O5UZ7frhGwfjllp6l7Ec1MNSm1RB7fLLFLOl2vFRqNvTFxfJgANVwHUinQJR-jQJlRc/s200/BHVLDgreen.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Similar to computer hacking, "biohacking" is subverting biology to do something other than what was originally "intended." Which is a pretty broad umbrella that includes <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/reviewed-com/2014/03/27/implantable-tech-is-the-next-wave/6914363/">implantables</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA_computing">biomolecular computing</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioinformatics">bioinformatics</a>, gene hacking, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nootropic">nootropics</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transhumanism">transhumanism</a>, <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/news/u-s-officials-warn-medical-devices-are-vulnerable-to-hacking/">medical device hacking</a>, sense hacking, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurodiversity">neurodiversity</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioethics">bioethics</a>, and lots more. </div>
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And a "village" at DEFCON is an area set aside for a focused topic, where attendees can hear talks and get hands on. Other villages include the Lockpicking Village, Tamper Evident Village, Social Engineering Village, Hardware Hacking Village, etc.</div>
<div class="p1">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD7Bcqy0enj41AUj5lt9HNpscQJlnHWTZ0jO3a3M31cMUVC3RwJpXmrMcESdmZUBvokWCZ72pllDRRclmfisHzAuxAcakNJWoiApYeuyVbAeBVWFY49mimgNmJN02BEOYK5cDSSzQo9yk/s1600/DC23+-+Car+Hacking+Village.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD7Bcqy0enj41AUj5lt9HNpscQJlnHWTZ0jO3a3M31cMUVC3RwJpXmrMcESdmZUBvokWCZ72pllDRRclmfisHzAuxAcakNJWoiApYeuyVbAeBVWFY49mimgNmJN02BEOYK5cDSSzQo9yk/s320/DC23+-+Car+Hacking+Village.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Example village: Car hacking!<br />
(Near Biohacking Village)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Why is biohacking important and why does it belong at DEFCON? Because biohacking is now where the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homebrew_Computer_Club">Homebrew Computer Club</a> was in 1975. Right now the future Steve Jobs and Bill Gates of the biotech world are sitting in their garages splicing genes to make <a href="http://www.the-odin.com/bioluminescent-e-coli-kit/">bioluminescent e. coli</a>. They are designing <a href="http://forum.biohack.me/discussion/841/rfid-implant-guide/p1">injectable RFID chips</a>. They are <a href="http://enablingthefuture.org/tag/peregrine-hawthorn/">building prosthetics with 3D printers</a>. They are trying to <a href="http://hivebio.org/2015/08/17/all-good-dinos-come-in-twos-bioinformatics-discussion-and-class/">clone dinosaurs</a>. In 10, 20, or 30 years, this question will sound as ignorant as, "What's the point in building an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altair_8800">Altair 8800</a>? It doesn't even <i>do</i> anything." (Historical fact: It didn't even do anything.)</div>
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Biohacking belongs at DEFCON for three reasons:</div>
<div class="p1">
</div>
<ol>
<li>The intersection of computer tech and biotech is pretty vast. And that intersection will grow. </li>
<li>Securing biotech ought to be a huge concern to hackers of all kinds. </li>
<li>There are of course other cons dedicated to biohacking, like <a href="http://www.bodyhackingcon.com/">Body Hax Con</a>. But they're brand new. We've learned a lot about technology ethics in the last 40 years. Youngsters who are starting biotech exclusively from the biology side really need our guidance so they don't accidentally destroy all of mankind with their magical wizard powers.</li>
</ol>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsehhCfgou7UgGxJKdDBznJtfaDB8shYfLt6_sXoiG62p0CqaayxSYRZWRxXSGDc9lv8gicchKdJqDa01mnDdUqV4w0UeluuRv6JQ5i4L5OBLEcNrqDnpQndHZ2bulhPOXA2F_gA6HbxI/s1600/BHV+Venn+Diagram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsehhCfgou7UgGxJKdDBznJtfaDB8shYfLt6_sXoiG62p0CqaayxSYRZWRxXSGDc9lv8gicchKdJqDa01mnDdUqV4w0UeluuRv6JQ5i4L5OBLEcNrqDnpQndHZ2bulhPOXA2F_gA6HbxI/s400/BHV+Venn+Diagram.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awkward Diagram<br />
Note: It's not just "computer hacking" <br />
DEFCON is traditionally about all kinds of hacking on electrons.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
I myself am not a biohacker (unless you count the work I've done to <a href="http://recoveringagency.com/articles/what-is-mind-control/">reverse engineer mind control</a>). I just have a strong interest in what is going on in the field. But that's my point – don't disqualify yourself because you haven't done the thing or don't know the stuff. You still have something to give. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Even with my lack of experience, I contributed by giving input on the BHV mailing list over the year, and at DEFCON, and I stood at the booth for a few hours answering low-level questions for the hundreds of people that stopped by. I don't have to <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/health-23508688">grow human ears on mice</a> or <a href="http://io9.com/this-biohacker-used-eyedrops-to-give-himself-temporary-1694016390">give myself nightvision</a> to contribute much-needed efforts towards bringing people together and getting DEFCON attendees excited about biohacking. </div>
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<b>Presence can earn some pretty sweet cred. Fangirl or fanboy enthusiasm can itself be a superpower. </b></div>
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The village was a huge success. We just had the one small booth in the contest room, a handful of demos, and nine talks. Oh, and a pretty sweet logo! WTF on that amazing logo?? It was enough to get the word out and get tons of people introduced to and excited about this grand new thing called biohacking.</div>
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One of the most frequently asked questions I got at the booth was, "What about implants?" We had one speaker, Alex Smith, who performed an RFID implant right at our table. I caught it on video:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/y7egGKd1zkw/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/y7egGKd1zkw?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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And as an example of where tech meets bio, Scott Novich had his <a href="http://www.eagleman.com/research/sensory-substitution">vibrovest there</a>. It takes sound input and converts it to tactile sensations along the torso, with the primary purpose of helping deaf people sense sound kinetically. But it could be put to many other sense-hacking uses, for instance, it could transform other information, like direction, weather patterns, or wifi signal strength, into a tactile sense. Our brains are extremely robust and can wire to understand any sense we give it, so we're just dipping our toes into the ocean of potential with these kinds of devices.</div>
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<div class="p1">
We've got huge plans for the village for next year, including the possibility of creating a living badge. I'll be even more involved, heading up the CFP process to select speakers for talks, demos, and labs. (Just so you know who to buy beer for. (Just kidding bribery is bad kids! (Plus I don't like beer, but I <i>do</i> like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chartreuse_(liqueur)">Chartreuse</a>…))) I'm really excited.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EG5C_enl0AZQYd22ilDpTxCc7n3xJv-P9ewJE2ZKlF5YHkS5CjHYUdir8s5WVLK26r8NPU9Yqd4pRsfTh2qWmEdNMGvYFgivVGaUuFRkkmWnCOyvwpBPBKzAwQ1dYKaPyq7ufH8JdRk/s1600/DC23+-+Biohacking+talk+cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EG5C_enl0AZQYd22ilDpTxCc7n3xJv-P9ewJE2ZKlF5YHkS5CjHYUdir8s5WVLK26r8NPU9Yqd4pRsfTh2qWmEdNMGvYFgivVGaUuFRkkmWnCOyvwpBPBKzAwQ1dYKaPyq7ufH8JdRk/s320/DC23+-+Biohacking+talk+cropped.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stay safe, kids!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
I missed all but three talks. In the beginning, I caught one on hiring in infosec, and two biohacking talks at the end. (All Biohacking Village talks will be available on video in the near future.) This was somewhat due to the massive crowding on the Paris side of the venue, and somewhat due to a conscious decision to watch the talks online later so I could spend more time doing what can only be done at DEFCON: Socializing.</div>
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Since I avoided the Paris-side, I missed seeing a lot of familiar faces, which, in addition to the new venue, made it kind of weirdly not-DEFCON. But I have no regrets. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSObsprJb72rbavM5XDOnWlGYf9TGs5BhwvoZhYe3zdit6rUTjvuqKGUaJKnOES7ZPRQ8zSMs393jRw_DQCnioPLu6chlXr-QcREbalxdGr0ZiOEqBUUFuHm1Ch_2SXCPFgv8BDBWI5r4/s1600/internet+telephone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSObsprJb72rbavM5XDOnWlGYf9TGs5BhwvoZhYe3zdit6rUTjvuqKGUaJKnOES7ZPRQ8zSMs393jRw_DQCnioPLu6chlXr-QcREbalxdGr0ZiOEqBUUFuHm1Ch_2SXCPFgv8BDBWI5r4/s320/internet+telephone.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My complete review of the new venue:<br />
Paris came equipped with these sweet internet telephones!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h4>
Troubleshooting The Broken Meritocracy</h4>
<div class="p1">
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<div class="p1">
<a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2014/08/defcon-22-con-that-keeps-on-giving.html">In my writeup last year</a>, I promised I'd do a separate writeup of the problems that occurred during the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-PYvdy2yHU">Diversity Panel at DC22</a>. I still have the notes for this post, and I even had a very long and productive email conversation with Priest, who was involved in that panel. Because of the huge upheavals in my life this year, I never got around to writing it, which is too bad, because it's probably too late now. That ship has perhaps sailed. However, the entire experience was illustrative of many of the dynamics in our community, of how well-meaning attempts to help women and minorities to feel welcome and safe can backfire, and some of the reasons why. Priest was really cool about everything, open to listening, and sincerely concerned. I think our community has much to learn from all aspects of the experience. </div>
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I may still do that writeup, even though at this point, the whole thing might be moot. </div>
<div class="p2">
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<div class="p1">
<b>My own personal experience of being a woman at DEFCON this year was <i>awesome</i>. Much improved. </b>I personally had no issues. I felt treated well and respected for my intelligence. I never once felt like I had to prove that I belonged there, even to total strangers I had just met at parties. I never felt <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansplaining">mansplained</a> to. Flirtation occurred, but in the right venues (parties) and with an air of respect and equal footing, and not to the exclusion of interest in my actual intelligence. A few men expressed concern and awareness of the difficulties I <i>might</i> be facing, saying things like, "I hope you've been treated okay at this con." </div>
<div class="p2">
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<b>Education campaigns and social justice activism clearly seem to be helping. </b></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVxZ5xwHN7b_JY2o0GYLRPdZ69TxdJt4BFlmieii8Px9C4KHgEVDBbI_afO3tB09_eqtKcLe7nlIopNO3RD4G6FC8Wih3ZpWMN0PrgTQM7dGs7tjSZNUjh17Bk8tjc4qhbQIW2Ui5wUt8/s1600/DC23+-+No+mens+hoodies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVxZ5xwHN7b_JY2o0GYLRPdZ69TxdJt4BFlmieii8Px9C4KHgEVDBbI_afO3tB09_eqtKcLe7nlIopNO3RD4G6FC8Wih3ZpWMN0PrgTQM7dGs7tjSZNUjh17Bk8tjc4qhbQIW2Ui5wUt8/s320/DC23+-+No+mens+hoodies.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Equality, at long last!</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Huge kudos to Dark Tangent, and to specific Goons I've spoken with who have expressed concern and willingness to change DEFCON for the better. (I would name them but I'm not sure they want to be named.) I've said all along that, unlike certain other cons <span style="font-size: x-small;">*cough*<a href="http://debacle.tumblr.com/">PAX</a>*cough*</span> DEFCON has handled the various controversies incredibly well: Rather than making public shows of issues and getting defensive, they've been receptive to complaints and even proactively reached out for feedback. All conversations about the incidents occur in private, and then the following year, those incidents do not recur. No public drama, no firestorms, no hurtful pseudo-apologies. </div>
<div class="p2">
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<div class="p1">
That said, this was just my own experience, my perception of a general trend towards improvement, and that doesn't necessarily mean everything is fixed. If you did have an issue, I encourage you to reach out to DEFCON Goons privately and let them know. They really will handle it well. If they are ignorant of why a thing is an issue, they will listen. It may take some patience in explaining it to them, but they honestly and legit want to know how to improve. And reach out to me personally if you're uncertain. I'm not a goon, but I'll encourage and support you and give you advice. I know how scary it can be.</div>
<div class="p2">
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<div class="p1">
At least through my little lens, it feels like DEFCON culture is improving in how it treats women, and hopefully in how it treats other marginalized classes. Way to go and more of this!</div>
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<div class="p1">
<soapbox> </div>
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<div class="p1">
I did have one quibble however on the social justice front: just one more little way our community can improve. This is a cultural issue, involving a word I heard over and over, coming from a wide variety of really nice and smart people. I winced each time I heard it, but I didn't have the courage to argue with anyone. (The "You're too sensitive!" backlash does have a cost, which I am sometimes unwilling to pay.) I realize it's a bit passive aggressive to mention it here without saying it to people's faces, especially since I personally know some of the people who used it, but I'm a big chicken IRL. So here goes: </div>
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<div class="p1">
This word is "<b><a href="http://www.r-word.org/r-word-effects-of-the-word.aspx">retarded</a></b>" or variants thereof. I know it's a cool edgy way to talk about how unintelligent something or someone is, but those who use it do not understand its history or realize that the person they're talking to (<a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html">me</a>) falls into a class that is, to this day, marginalized, <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/07/health/autistic-kids-bullied-time/">bullied</a>, and <a href="http://www.autistichoya.com/2013/01/judge-rotenberg-center-survivors-letter.html">institutionally abused</a> through the use of this word. I have Asperger's, which is a type of <a href="http://wrongplanet.net/interview-henry-and-kamila-markram-about-the-intense-world-theory-for-autism/">autism</a>. And before you say, "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xoYwLNpvw">Well, we don't mean <i>that</i> kind of autism!</a>"... <a href="http://ollibean.com/2013/09/26/problems-functioning-labels/">just stop</a>. You're digging your hole deeper. You're smart. Go educate yourself. If you don't, you basically <a href="https://www.chroniclesofgeorge.com/tickets1.html">sound like this guy</a>, only about autism rather than computers. I've got some <a href="http://www.parents.com/blogs/to-the-max/2013/03/06/autism/5-things-people-dont-get-about-the-word-retard/">links in this paragraph</a>, and you know how <a href="http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Why+is+retarded+offensive%3F">google works</a>. Or ask me. (I don't want to make this post too long explaining on this rant.) There are lots of sources of <a href="http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Why+is+retarded+offensive%3F">why this word is hurtful</a>. And FYI? Yes, I do feel hurt when I hear this word, and no, I'm not being too sensitive. And no, <a href="http://popehat.com/2009/07/01/speech-is-tyranny/">my request is not censorship</a>.</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="http://www.washingtonblade.com/2015/08/11/lets-hack-grindr-queercon-helps-diversify-tech-field/"><img border="0" height="117" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiK1xoJd6-EGwmTzVNg7Dxf8beqA_sioQ57w-EchYoitoy3i9ggYKZtHUDlj25YhkuWF6GsUA7XThzgQr0w1B8IotvLnmz6tzuYmSyZIm4Wo8fuQ3sQG6CQFnqy7MwtWdY-QGZed1iaDQ/s320/p-gay.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ancient history, at this point,<br />
according to the <a href="http://www.washingtonblade.com/2015/08/11/lets-hack-grindr-queercon-helps-diversify-tech-field/">Washington Post</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
We're not 14 anymore and this isn't IRC. We can prove our intelligence by the words we say and the things we do, not by using slurs to put others down. <a href="http://www.washingtonblade.com/2015/08/11/lets-hack-grindr-queercon-helps-diversify-tech-field/">We've ended the flippant use of the word "gay"</a> at DEFCON as a pejorative. Now can we stop saying the "R" word? </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
</soapbox></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<h4>
DEFCON Badge, Badge, Badge, Badge MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!</h4>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I didn't get very involved in the badge challenge this year. I did, however, bring a record player. I'd seen on Twitter Wednesday that the badge was a record (yes, a record), and my housemate happened to have a portable USB-compatible phonograph, so I brought it on my Thursday morning flight. This made a wonderful icebreaker for me on the first day. (After that, no one cared.) Using my phonograph, I was able to upload the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3voqrYJpeUg">audio to YouTube</a> for your convenience, so you can listen right now. (Side B's track was a recording of the ever-hot <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoUWHfh733Y">DualCore singing Hack All the Things</a>)</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUdn2UQ9JsMgwSZkLTDylgzKt7coEuOwr33dNdnJlE-vlP7isN1Q99LP1x1AMFlcHAXFBV0sf5v_5N4kjzSVm5-sftEfPUj33fxj7o_Z8Q2zoSWgOonPohbeXUIZlFkY2ooQqI02eV62A/s1600/Phonograph+cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUdn2UQ9JsMgwSZkLTDylgzKt7coEuOwr33dNdnJlE-vlP7isN1Q99LP1x1AMFlcHAXFBV0sf5v_5N4kjzSVm5-sftEfPUj33fxj7o_Z8Q2zoSWgOonPohbeXUIZlFkY2ooQqI02eV62A/s320/Phonograph+cropped.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's just like streaming.. only.. more groovy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
A brief mention of the ultra-hot über badge this year. Rather than re-describe it, I'll link to <a href="http://hackaday.com/2015/08/07/def-con-uber-badge-so-hot-its-radioactive/">someone else's description</a>. I grew up in Richland, WA, with a chem engineer dad who worked for a government contractor, and I worked as an intern on the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanford_Site">Hanford Nuclear Reservation</a>, and my favorite con (DEFCON is my second) is <a href="http://www.radcon.org/">RadCon</a>, so all this radiation stuff is basically comfort food for me. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<span id="goog_45548450"></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_45548449"><img border="0" src="http://jto.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/f-badges-a-20150811-870x653.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo credit: <a href="http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2015/08/10/world/uber-badges-coveted-hackers-glow-radioactive-def-con/#.VdOrACxVhBc">Japan Times</a><br />
Because I fail at taking pix when I'm chatting with LoST.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
<span id="goog_45548451"></span>Warm, so warm.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I fiddled with the badge challenge as I had time Thursday, but I really didn't want to go too far down the rabbit trail, because I needed to focus on being social. Solving things and chatting confidently with people about a wide range of topics takes a different <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/10/splines-theory-spoons-metaphor-for.html">spline set</a>, so I resisted the call.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWdmae5dCHGe2gTrVeirRYA9Qy95ThVE2rcZ72szXSFyVAitX76Lr59l1h4BuzXpWD9UXPfgHz_Gcb4Tr2aRPGwLjjAar27zb4BCiU2FJK-bi0D1MnK5s7EeTzIiqox1TLpzV1K1Rzi5I/s1600/DC23+-+23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWdmae5dCHGe2gTrVeirRYA9Qy95ThVE2rcZ72szXSFyVAitX76Lr59l1h4BuzXpWD9UXPfgHz_Gcb4Tr2aRPGwLjjAar27zb4BCiU2FJK-bi0D1MnK5s7EeTzIiqox1TLpzV1K1Rzi5I/s320/DC23+-+23.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm <i>pretty</i> sure this has something to do with the badge challenge.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
But if you'd like to see the solution, here is <a href="http://elegin.com/dc23/">a write up</a>. And <a href="http://potatohatsecurity.tumblr.com/post/126411303994/defcon-23-badge-challenge">another</a>. (There was a wiki but it appears to have been deleted.) </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUqnklgtcI6n5W2DiTHVLtToUUa5Yki5UsKwfZr-QTMDX4O-jgIhApASFTMVmYUjSJqSKjHmRE62O88gRDBW9B_Ks-fZczjplfOhmprCwuyuJeDgWVot8pD0qEIuc6Aox23RYPu3Jjmx8/s1600/DC23+-+Contest+Badge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUqnklgtcI6n5W2DiTHVLtToUUa5Yki5UsKwfZr-QTMDX4O-jgIhApASFTMVmYUjSJqSKjHmRE62O88gRDBW9B_Ks-fZczjplfOhmprCwuyuJeDgWVot8pD0qEIuc6Aox23RYPu3Jjmx8/s320/DC23+-+Contest+Badge.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYQGNOiwKnnvaiW-r1ii4htho-znGaNuid_k2HxUpNo90_1DjHhBYaTJXSvcXI4YrM0P51rM93p-EdUSTaH0SL2qyuE5q727Nb0WQU_NcXQhfy77QBFMPvxMVm6aPCFW3_Sbo-z4YJvcE/s1600/DC23+-+Mystery+Badge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYQGNOiwKnnvaiW-r1ii4htho-znGaNuid_k2HxUpNo90_1DjHhBYaTJXSvcXI4YrM0P51rM93p-EdUSTaH0SL2qyuE5q727Nb0WQU_NcXQhfy77QBFMPvxMVm6aPCFW3_Sbo-z4YJvcE/s320/DC23+-+Mystery+Badge.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3oslazvguXD7JxeD9CBLe1WxEMBUIsvuadzqnRLwpmg2nCDGkN-pnjay7N6o6Vx3nSKnBu1JWdSFrcyPQM0qeCqro0PkKYpoR6VlpIOEJFfH89Wk31l80TEuOXmKGoW_8VoElPczIJxE/s1600/DC32+-+Goon+Badge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3oslazvguXD7JxeD9CBLe1WxEMBUIsvuadzqnRLwpmg2nCDGkN-pnjay7N6o6Vx3nSKnBu1JWdSFrcyPQM0qeCqro0PkKYpoR6VlpIOEJFfH89Wk31l80TEuOXmKGoW_8VoElPczIJxE/s320/DC32+-+Goon+Badge.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUbhdXHPWC3TMnpS4hZw4k6uS1gbwy4w8TRdUmaDxVByImTYfj9LD5eM9tXmxqkJRBPxU6Cc6xIoiyEC2a3SO5M-ymaPIzmBA66YizXp6Kp7RbjzA84YUv2XgBble58uo1RrlQ-YtF3TY/s1600/DC23+-+Badge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUbhdXHPWC3TMnpS4hZw4k6uS1gbwy4w8TRdUmaDxVByImTYfj9LD5eM9tXmxqkJRBPxU6Cc6xIoiyEC2a3SO5M-ymaPIzmBA66YizXp6Kp7RbjzA84YUv2XgBble58uo1RrlQ-YtF3TY/s320/DC23+-+Badge.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Queue the Flava Flave jokes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
A lot of people complained about the unwieldiness of this year's badge, but I enjoyed hacking the lanyard, and eventually eschewing the lanyard altogether. I also enjoyed seeing other people's badge hacks. And counterfeit badges were hilarious, like the guy with a paper plate with "HUMAN" written on it. Kids these days don't know what old tech looks like, and this record gave them some exposure to the ancient roots of the hacking community...</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibCth8TXBTIEjGMxg1tv4OxDcl5U7uWoHdTsJGcbMjkpZ5QvwsVoxSnjedfRR0Nh2GW9fqBVwrxUpPamdFqze_tlr_uqwfXQW5krbSuwvR5m9c-tuP5HgKXzU_76npizVHT8oI-zHkKY0/s1600/DC23+-+Badge+hack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibCth8TXBTIEjGMxg1tv4OxDcl5U7uWoHdTsJGcbMjkpZ5QvwsVoxSnjedfRR0Nh2GW9fqBVwrxUpPamdFqze_tlr_uqwfXQW5krbSuwvR5m9c-tuP5HgKXzU_76npizVHT8oI-zHkKY0/s320/DC23+-+Badge+hack.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The famed "gauntlet hack"<br />
(spotted at barcon)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h4>
...Like the Telephreak Badge</h4>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4CnilQ6G8VZv0N5oe8Vdzf_s62lKKXUAUPR1QaepQsux9iNNy9nsHM-BVzu-jJ3NdyTxeMg7cjZWSl7A7g562s6UIRG1MnT4pSjRLPbqo0JMc8q7HE2GttnQW9XFgPc_NfaQakEDmQ7Y/s1600/DC23+-+Telephreak+badge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4CnilQ6G8VZv0N5oe8Vdzf_s62lKKXUAUPR1QaepQsux9iNNy9nsHM-BVzu-jJ3NdyTxeMg7cjZWSl7A7g562s6UIRG1MnT4pSjRLPbqo0JMc8q7HE2GttnQW9XFgPc_NfaQakEDmQ7Y/s320/DC23+-+Telephreak+badge.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Q: How do you tell a phreak?<br />A: By all the telepwns!</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
I think at this point, I can officially qualify as a DEFCON Badge Fangirl (is there a badge for that?)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Last year I scored a sweet <a href="http://www.telephreak.org/">Telephreak</a> pager, </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm6uh8OIxu5CFowPyU5NtHUC9pXs0OE3rJZUT8LjebqN1gpmvqr72WW__y3LKyA2j-7QAweknx_aiacpZNyTseuH9aRaYcul_cki1ZO2kOZEFvMUY_ve1Z3JtNdzEIfcLa0goTNguXTAo/s1600/DC23+-+Pager.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm6uh8OIxu5CFowPyU5NtHUC9pXs0OE3rJZUT8LjebqN1gpmvqr72WW__y3LKyA2j-7QAweknx_aiacpZNyTseuH9aRaYcul_cki1ZO2kOZEFvMUY_ve1Z3JtNdzEIfcLa0goTNguXTAo/s320/DC23+-+Pager.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpitMwtovHgsLkdfql-zTiqza65EJqDlEmnkgvIELMAwNnEzBY94_jS0c22X_LCxdybLfIGTmYbkk9mHO2m6vl5eY7T0-svfgKvcez_dojYYYGszLxSTgF3YSmyrM3SoxlVO7NbMsc364/s1600/DC23+-+Pager+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpitMwtovHgsLkdfql-zTiqza65EJqDlEmnkgvIELMAwNnEzBY94_jS0c22X_LCxdybLfIGTmYbkk9mHO2m6vl5eY7T0-svfgKvcez_dojYYYGszLxSTgF3YSmyrM3SoxlVO7NbMsc364/s320/DC23+-+Pager+2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
...and then wrote about it, which means this year I scored a l33t Telephreak press badge. This orange piece of plastic has little plastic coins in denominations of 25, 10, and 5, and a working rotary dial. To those kids who didn't know what a "record" was, you might also love to learn that this badge is fashioned after an archaic device we once called a "<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Payphone">payphone</a>," into which one placed quarters so we could "call someone who cares," as the <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=MGw5BgAAQBAJ&pg=PT26&lpg=PT26&dq=flamer+bbs&source=bl&ots=gQELMuCvrD&sig=MMAZHUCgoXbuP1wssYCfvjWKXFc&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAGoVChMI-YCBxtizxwIVhaKICh10dQeI#v=onepage&q=flamer%20bbs&f=false">flamers</a> put it. Now get off my lawn.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/XkuirEweZvM/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XkuirEweZvM?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This plastic replica represents a significant piece of hacker history, so if you want to be truly l33t, go google <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Draper">Captain Crunch</a> with your advanced "search engine."</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycCgU026Uuo56gGvqzg9XTWi94r_pILfjvnMc2ttmlHuX15VBb4pVJIKYvih-jQOE5HeEbjkLoGnYg7EsKKJ9hZTpCQP-7xF6RUzBfjhiEZb5i7pyvtyLpOWmmxDUM9Ag4GyKQXCbBOk/s1600/DC23+-+Classic+Phone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycCgU026Uuo56gGvqzg9XTWi94r_pILfjvnMc2ttmlHuX15VBb4pVJIKYvih-jQOE5HeEbjkLoGnYg7EsKKJ9hZTpCQP-7xF6RUzBfjhiEZb5i7pyvtyLpOWmmxDUM9Ag4GyKQXCbBOk/s320/DC23+-+Classic+Phone.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Authentic voice-only "phone" <br />
used by nomads in prehistoric times.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
It would be truly sweet if someone could hack this badge into a working phone, but I settled for my own little badge hack. The manufacturer's plan for the coin drawer was a literal gaping hole, through which the coins would simply fall out under the force of gravity. Hard to make money from a payphone with that design! Ever one to defy "laws" like "gravity," I violated the EULA and improved on the original by adding a door using found materials. I even added an authentic easy-to-pick <a href="http://www.itstactical.com/skillcom/lock-picking/a-beginners-guide-to-tubular-lock-picking/">tubular lock</a>, just like a real payphone! (And just about as secure!)</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1jXN6RFYzyAssZCf58uiSjosiBxGzSIwTl4TtBQdS9YDjO7sADj6lp_vn5M9GJ4ZwaRvblxqnVz78UDDbrOdirByiKVpKvugTppJ-QyAxbZGIXn4Hf2zbqvpjhfKQ09jbNifGMoR-Wtc/s1600/DC23+Telephreak+Badgehack+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1jXN6RFYzyAssZCf58uiSjosiBxGzSIwTl4TtBQdS9YDjO7sADj6lp_vn5M9GJ4ZwaRvblxqnVz78UDDbrOdirByiKVpKvugTppJ-QyAxbZGIXn4Hf2zbqvpjhfKQ09jbNifGMoR-Wtc/s320/DC23+Telephreak+Badgehack+1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIwN9QJHi3h86HXuRtVokTxaWZoMqZ-6cO0n_IBU8wSV_12EfRzXaeRAg7sOi2J8gTdk0Ij8Q8NgntBkbbKX6zqH4O3NuKeiP-jFi4bdRUT_QZKb_rTLiZsq48oMBbGLDmfhINZmn_VyU/s1600/DC23+Telephreak+Badgehack+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIwN9QJHi3h86HXuRtVokTxaWZoMqZ-6cO0n_IBU8wSV_12EfRzXaeRAg7sOi2J8gTdk0Ij8Q8NgntBkbbKX6zqH4O3NuKeiP-jFi4bdRUT_QZKb_rTLiZsq48oMBbGLDmfhINZmn_VyU/s320/DC23+Telephreak+Badgehack+2.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Press" *69</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Sadly, this did not protect my coins well enough, because both dimes got shaken out in the flight home, and they seem to be lost forever. Lessons learned.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The Telephreak pager also operated this year, and for some reason, the battery seemed to have more life over last year, even though, to my knowledge, I received no firmware updates. Not really sure what was up with that insane magic! </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAgy4PFGjugWOPKPgubwkoEyFkNplwBF7fVeq8WJPRLSAY4sZBDzuVovF7NJj5lg-rco1hsX8IDAcSmmLPKrf9Vq_TJsWJDT2Ya3izU3xgJ2PdX8S1rSW7zZKd5eZp7GfVmMFzdWBXd1w/s1600/DC23+Telephreak+Partah+Cropped+n+blurred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAgy4PFGjugWOPKPgubwkoEyFkNplwBF7fVeq8WJPRLSAY4sZBDzuVovF7NJj5lg-rco1hsX8IDAcSmmLPKrf9Vq_TJsWJDT2Ya3izU3xgJ2PdX8S1rSW7zZKd5eZp7GfVmMFzdWBXd1w/s320/DC23+Telephreak+Partah+Cropped+n+blurred.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="248" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Swanky.<br />
(Faces digitally blurred to protect the "innocent.")</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Telephreak party was pretty sweet, as usual. I listened to a couple of lightning talks, but mostly I wanted to talk to people, and talk I did. I met new people, reacquainted myself with people I already knew, and even got a little emotional support from someone I'd met last year. (Thanks, man!) The Telephreak party is a great environment for me, because I want just enough alcohol to make me socially fluid, and I want relatively quiet rooms packed with cool, intelligent, talkative people who want to listen to me rant on esoteric topics. Telephreak provides all of this in a swanky environment that makes me feel like I paid a million bucks to be there.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<h4>
Queercon 12</h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDLoNUZLN2nEPdk2H7em4o_Q99zegX13-9H6p4OZvHuj0nVYvCpvZ_Cpc9uxWmL9Xrnp5QXU9shRbHKNPh0bXDvjP9UOSH36SEQZoDRFukHsDW9B49sYfFhLydSs8vprEAY3xaLUYPUUk/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDLoNUZLN2nEPdk2H7em4o_Q99zegX13-9H6p4OZvHuj0nVYvCpvZ_Cpc9uxWmL9Xrnp5QXU9shRbHKNPh0bXDvjP9UOSH36SEQZoDRFukHsDW9B49sYfFhLydSs8vprEAY3xaLUYPUUk/s320/DC23+-+QC+Light.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Thanks to the larger DEFCON venue, <a href="http://www.queercon.org/">Queercon</a> made it's way back onsite, with a constant presence during the whole con. In addition to their kickin' Friday night pool party with the bright lights and body-throbbing music we've come to expect, they had a suite in the Jubilee tower, for packed afternoon mixer parties, and a Saturday night low-key sit-and-chat party. The rest of the time, the suite was open as a safe space to relax and chill out for a little peace and quiet. They provided free coffee and breakfast munchies daily. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipz3YWCCEuaCBsDa61p7QzGhGDnqrx-GS9ZBSjC2rJhlSCTYgdl4UfBRuZFRWx8EBvcXOGS4b1XH3n5LyviVLxbqRkVoj34ghnpWiGvYsIWDou-seYuo-6Pfm7Zp2vI9LG55SnrNPTdXY/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Card.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipz3YWCCEuaCBsDa61p7QzGhGDnqrx-GS9ZBSjC2rJhlSCTYgdl4UfBRuZFRWx8EBvcXOGS4b1XH3n5LyviVLxbqRkVoj34ghnpWiGvYsIWDou-seYuo-6Pfm7Zp2vI9LG55SnrNPTdXY/s320/DC23+-+QC+Card.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
I kind of wish there'd been more women and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer">gender non-binaries</a> like myself there, but I've got no problem with hanging out with cis gay men. They're so adorbs. I took refuge in there a couple of times when I needed an introvert's recharge, and I enjoyed the parties as well.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
They also had a few talks in the suite, though I only attended one. Which brings us to the Queercon badge… </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhkTfbqVJMyxOOkTjnrM3N6ZgVAAYRQww3Te9ZzRaI8GwMqIjpMtPbwlVZQE4KcqFnTYbp_qqnlczxKr0_mJHC32fIElvAu7CwOvgDkypR_GX7yvmzwTt2ssqqj51NyWVjKIYQMDV1G_s/s1600/DC23+-+QC+badge+talk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhkTfbqVJMyxOOkTjnrM3N6ZgVAAYRQww3Te9ZzRaI8GwMqIjpMtPbwlVZQE4KcqFnTYbp_qqnlczxKr0_mJHC32fIElvAu7CwOvgDkypR_GX7yvmzwTt2ssqqj51NyWVjKIYQMDV1G_s/s320/DC23+-+QC+badge+talk.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Badges? We don't need no stinkin...<br />
Ok yeah, this joke is too old.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
…did I mention I'm a badge fangirl?</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So first, I had a badge reserved for me because of <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2014/08/defcon-22-con-that-keeps-on-giving.html">my writeup</a> last year. Honestly, one of the reasons I decided to splurge and go to DEFCON against the wishes of the financial advisor who lives in my brain was the personal invite from both Queercon <i>and</i> Telephreak prior to the con, and their mutual expressed disappointment that I could not make it. Never underestimate how small gestures of inclusion can make people feel appreciated and important, and again, never underestimate the value of your contributions, however small, to help build community. These actions and reactions create a virtuous cycle that uplifts everyone involved.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2UFLE3rjBrEN0KIt1wNLB5-80FLf5D6tD0fRJzvGUXJY6PK8qgpC_xq3wneDy6XqL0qhX5bTPDy7X0OtvQZYv4O_VsfFaokjrnpjPPBsbsv8KkxU4z2cRrZXU0vq3ytFiQUgBcUReA2I/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Press+Badge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2UFLE3rjBrEN0KIt1wNLB5-80FLf5D6tD0fRJzvGUXJY6PK8qgpC_xq3wneDy6XqL0qhX5bTPDy7X0OtvQZYv4O_VsfFaokjrnpjPPBsbsv8KkxU4z2cRrZXU0vq3ytFiQUgBcUReA2I/s320/DC23+-+QC+Press+Badge.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Press" any key to continue.<br />
As long as it's L, G, B, T, Q, A, I, or +!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
At any case, I had a personal invite to the Queercon kickoff party Thursday night. I arrived at their offsite location at Palms Place, to discover I was not only on the invite list, but as a VIP! Flattered and honored. The kickoff party was a great way to spend my first night at DEFCON, with good drinks, friends, and conversations with new folk in a beautiful setting. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv4mXnqRj-KGSxbEZVSwbdwV9T6PZREaf5uw82xPCPv59phLOhtcOCzR41Vza9c8jZULgmuAS4H4pV2_e5IDTOo4Oa8140lm5EKQJeEPTJgabA4jNvH68JLbhFr6EA63RlQnHqV4z8i1s/s1600/DC23+-+QC+VIP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv4mXnqRj-KGSxbEZVSwbdwV9T6PZREaf5uw82xPCPv59phLOhtcOCzR41Vza9c8jZULgmuAS4H4pV2_e5IDTOo4Oa8140lm5EKQJeEPTJgabA4jNvH68JLbhFr6EA63RlQnHqV4z8i1s/s320/DC23+-+QC+VIP.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pix. Cos it happened.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
And the badge. Oh this badge. Last year's QC badge astounded as a feat of modern engineering, but this year's topped even that! </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0IkaVjZhmjOojdEeZMyVlB2KtOkP6DwYO0S3JJQdUpiK8MdM4pQIIOzx1xzq6okvEKfNLFlYVCLF1_lhcJ7UEmc-kVv5gJW0rLKaifI8EchcvPP5wEr4Q514waI73q47tLfMQ7Moxkpw/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Badge+The+Hip2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0IkaVjZhmjOojdEeZMyVlB2KtOkP6DwYO0S3JJQdUpiK8MdM4pQIIOzx1xzq6okvEKfNLFlYVCLF1_lhcJ7UEmc-kVv5gJW0rLKaifI8EchcvPP5wEr4Q514waI73q47tLfMQ7Moxkpw/s320/DC23+-+QC+Badge+The+Hip2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
As you can see, it is an egg-shaped pair of circuit boards, separated by spacers, with a living digital creature dancing on a 0.96" OLED display. If that's not colorful enough for you, there are five multicolored LEDs around the inside, to generate eye-dazzling effects at various times.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8cqrXB-eqGoCMJA1DW_4NFAlVN6oHCyi5TVzoTxUsiXV0nmWVlk25cZ6Zj0sB6bRr2MVd3eqiENxQ-LjU34zJJX5RF-uWV_gJBF38m7ZCvdowo1r-73sE6z_jqMnbv_H4WBQFrtXe6G0/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Baby5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8cqrXB-eqGoCMJA1DW_4NFAlVN6oHCyi5TVzoTxUsiXV0nmWVlk25cZ6Zj0sB6bRr2MVd3eqiENxQ-LjU34zJJX5RF-uWV_gJBF38m7ZCvdowo1r-73sE6z_jqMnbv_H4WBQFrtXe6G0/s320/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Baby5.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080820174408AAZkbcG">How is babby formed?</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
The creature on the badge starts out as a "baby," an adorable blob that dances and plays. (The baby grows up after a rumored 12-hours.) Three buttons allow you to cycle through the functions, which include, "Play," "Set Name," and "ASL?"</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjffCvqlenMj75JE3AmXeZbs4Src4vOtvgveAw1Q2NQskwqnXO7tWYdiFljZZp4LzmEPaG63DnJ6c9aQMil1DHJp8viVx14oMmQCupkwg1Wq4UhrPFgZfXSSwLBleB_L310V1qWIApjq80/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjffCvqlenMj75JE3AmXeZbs4Src4vOtvgveAw1Q2NQskwqnXO7tWYdiFljZZp4LzmEPaG63DnJ6c9aQMil1DHJp8viVx14oMmQCupkwg1Wq4UhrPFgZfXSSwLBleB_L310V1qWIApjq80/s320/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Back.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also works in "upside down" mode,<br />
shown here.*<br />
(*image not to scale)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
The badge communicates with other badges via a RF chip which is an improvement on last year's IR interface. Line-of-sight interactions were difficult previously, and in contrast, this badge picked up easily on the presence of other badges. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In the spirit of "badge sex" featured in previous badges, the "Play" function sets off all nearby badges, forcing them to also "play," causing their lights to blink and their character to dance around. Babies could not play with adults, thus preventing any interactions of questionable legality.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
By day two, all of our badges had grown up. Each badge had been programmed with six different heads, torsos, and feet, which could be combined in 80 different character designs. Mine was a octo-robo-bear, with lovely wonderful tentacles for feet. They couldn't have picked a better character to give me. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfInoel6zqJTMp_AmmuM_2IAG3Ct3wVBXa3ry1ng6hxkjz84EfUSQFdwH2dcJwkFajgox06SKq9sVgniA0LpxYViHPODRZwtSKeo7Ie5Knkn6B7B1JQTpxhV1I9sIjupk2MX9cjwPSAQ0/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Octorobobear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfInoel6zqJTMp_AmmuM_2IAG3Ct3wVBXa3ry1ng6hxkjz84EfUSQFdwH2dcJwkFajgox06SKq9sVgniA0LpxYViHPODRZwtSKeo7Ie5Knkn6B7B1JQTpxhV1I9sIjupk2MX9cjwPSAQ0/s200/DC23+-+QC+Octorobobear.jpg" width="106" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
The Über Badges (there were 13), were black and had their own unique characters not built from the parts of other monsters.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We could "befriend" one another, which involved clicking "Befriend" at the same time another person did so. We discovered through trial and error that friending could only happen one-on-one.. You could non-consensually play with a large group of people, but the more intimate function of friending was rather mononormative.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghWmGWF-NqbEexKDfXWA_eJQn-u5CFr-v1BVw4t0FcDisMC7Wwsq2rocRfEyqVMK-2EuQamUAfIkDbVfH6ULpl_DB8X3bJIjqjZuE7bC8dDyULo7SlXKKmWlFaW-Oyvy9E-NwADx2WXmQ/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Badgetalk+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghWmGWF-NqbEexKDfXWA_eJQn-u5CFr-v1BVw4t0FcDisMC7Wwsq2rocRfEyqVMK-2EuQamUAfIkDbVfH6ULpl_DB8X3bJIjqjZuE7bC8dDyULo7SlXKKmWlFaW-Oyvy9E-NwADx2WXmQ/s320/DC23+-+QC+Badgetalk+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The devilish plans<br />
of the mononormative agenda.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
The "ASL?" feature allowed you to look at your stats: How many other badges had you seen, how many übers? How many people had you befriended? Who were your faves (which badges did you hang out with the most?) And which achievements had you unlocked? </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Yes, there were achievements, for things like attending specific events, making a certain number of friends, and sleeping with your Fave. (This achievement involves putting your badge into sleep mode at the same time as your fave, in proximity of your fave, and leaving it in sleep mode for 30 minutes. There was some debate at the badge talk about whether 30 minutes is long enough… as the only vocal woman present, I disagreed. A half-hour is definitely <b>not</b> long enough.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Some of the features were a little buggy, and I didn't get credit for a few things, like for all the über badges I saw, or for going to the badge talk. Since I'm an achievement completionist, it bugs me a little bit (get it, bugs?) but that's my own psychosis, so I'll deal with it. Probably through medications and therapy.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga5poSYf5emMtaWKfY2eB2uT2vKBZa3xj-XFrJrhIGoVXpuypE5qXTIjAmAJwWnfxXzrfptWQi6YPszp0PQ1UYiiaBQPXcsCyjMf1_0TDsW_h44Sw5H0YASpPEoLFzbjdeVSYhhdH7s7w/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Side.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga5poSYf5emMtaWKfY2eB2uT2vKBZa3xj-XFrJrhIGoVXpuypE5qXTIjAmAJwWnfxXzrfptWQi6YPszp0PQ1UYiiaBQPXcsCyjMf1_0TDsW_h44Sw5H0YASpPEoLFzbjdeVSYhhdH7s7w/s320/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Side.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cables and wires and stuff.<br />
They hold in the magic "smoke."<br />
See how the display has come loose?<br />
The fix is described below.<br />
(Hint: Glue)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
One achievement I missed due to my own failure, so I deserve it. Two of each character-combo existed, leading to the achievements "Find your twin" and "Befriend your twin." I apparently was in the same room with my twin at one of the packed mixers, but I did not seek them out.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The badge came in a sweet box with l33t stickers and a lanyard and a pin. (I used the pin to hack my DEFCON badge to make it a wearable technology.) Total cost of the badge, including the swag that went with the badge, but <b>not</b> including labor to design and build it, was over $100 per badge. There were 175 badges created, but one was destroyed beyond repair, so only 174 are in circulation. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It is QC's intent to keep badges scarce because clearly they understand psychology, that <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scarcity_(social_psychology)">the rarity of a thing builds interest</a>. This is a true fact of mind control and persuasion of the masses. So good social hack, guys! :D</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Another feature is the "flag" which makes all the lights go all rainbow. There are a number of <a href="http://mashable.com/2014/06/13/lgbt-pride-symbols/">big gay flags</a>, including bi, trans, ally, leather, and bear. I had a hard time choosing between bi and trans, but it turns out they're almost the same colorset. How very convenient for me.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>The badge does have a cheat mode, and here is the secret: </b></div>
<div class="p1">
</div>
<ol>
<li>Go to "Set Name," and choose it.</li>
<li>Hold down the left button until the lights blink and it says, "Enter a cheat code, you wascally wabbit."</li>
<li>Whatever you do, do <b>not</b> hold down the middle button instead of the left button. It turns on one of the green LEDs and locks up the device and summons a demon. (The demon is invisible.)</li>
<li>Enter the cheat code.</li>
<li>Hold down the middle button until pretty lights flash. If <b>red</b> lights flash, you have entered an invalid cheat code. (This also unsummons the demon.)</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="p2">
<b>Cheat codes include: </b></div>
<div class="p1">
</div>
<ul>
<li>"R2L" and "L2R" - mirrors and unmirrors the screen</li>
<li>"SMILE" and "FROWN" - makes you happy / sad</li>
<li>"BABY" and "MOMMA" - turns you into a baby / enables "grow up"</li>
<li>"BANNER" - enables flags and removes flag cooldown starting with the next use</li>
<li>"FFS" - enables flags</li>
<li>"BANDW" and "WANDB" - inverts the screen colors</li>
<li>"TITULAR" - enables title selection. Go to the ASL screen, and you should be able to choose from your unlocked titles.</li>
<li>"WOOF" and "MEOW" - enables/disables "puppy mode"</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="p2">
If you have one of these badges, protip: The display can come loose. Just glue it down. You will also want to add some dollups of glue to the corners (as shown) to prevent these from catching, breaking, and damaging the screen itself.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQC4NfCH8_AoWoTpo58B8rSpDzKGbkW7wUk0dKuqTqc-DJO5Dd__sWPsaYEEN_DLedIgKFPHF0hE5GNOrgtdyywj8p9MeaQGB2gh9sD2H2OQFdVVZc5pqHF5ATOlZ5smAr1dMHCU3PmYg/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Repair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQC4NfCH8_AoWoTpo58B8rSpDzKGbkW7wUk0dKuqTqc-DJO5Dd__sWPsaYEEN_DLedIgKFPHF0hE5GNOrgtdyywj8p9MeaQGB2gh9sD2H2OQFdVVZc5pqHF5ATOlZ5smAr1dMHCU3PmYg/s320/DC23+-+QC+Badge+Repair.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Glue that shit down.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Official <a href="http://blinkylights.ninja/blinky-lights/queercon-12-2015/">full technical details on the badge</a> here.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZQmPsJwN6qoaX7vxX7j2eRnfDRkrsqt2AySbdEKcbmQcPU-nOde5OYFvPwczVnx8ehO_OhVo2IHWGK_dSMsjP7HJ54nUp208WBg-iVlQp2_G2zl_jit1T6dMp_ulR2CRH3gJETdGuTMI/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Pool+Party3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZQmPsJwN6qoaX7vxX7j2eRnfDRkrsqt2AySbdEKcbmQcPU-nOde5OYFvPwczVnx8ehO_OhVo2IHWGK_dSMsjP7HJ54nUp208WBg-iVlQp2_G2zl_jit1T6dMp_ulR2CRH3gJETdGuTMI/s320/DC23+-+QC+Pool+Party3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Queercon 12 Pool Party<br />
Still the best party at DEFCON</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Overall, I've got to hand it to Queercon. When I first started coming to DEFCON eight years ago, "gay" was still a common pejorative in the hacker/geek community, and homophobia still ran rampant. Queercon established the LGBT presence within the hacker community as a cool crowd that people wanted to be associated with in a positive way. Moreover, they created a space that was safe, not just for LGBT folks, but allies and others. Rather than directly confront the homophobia, the QC folks stepped in and changed the stigma. This is an effective persuasion strategy, one which I think other marginalized groups ought to emulate. </div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcIGejWrbG2rXrSZeTnGvVtIwYODzoMjLxqUT4_Ux1WGeVPNsvJmLb5i6lL9sNnqpF1tky2WpLeZuieaQ6MQfyCfg_mNV6f117a1lx_EZkVcRwvzTx_nkkuOPW0oOe2lDWB4iWPnyexQQ/s1600/DC23+-+QC+Towel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcIGejWrbG2rXrSZeTnGvVtIwYODzoMjLxqUT4_Ux1WGeVPNsvJmLb5i6lL9sNnqpF1tky2WpLeZuieaQ6MQfyCfg_mNV6f117a1lx_EZkVcRwvzTx_nkkuOPW0oOe2lDWB4iWPnyexQQ/s320/DC23+-+QC+Towel.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Couldn't have said it better myself.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h4>
Social Justice Hacker Slacker</h4>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I say the above with some hypocrisy, because people like <a href="http://thetarah.com/">Tarah Wheeler Van Vlack</a> and others have been making similar efforts for women at DEFCON, and I've not participated with my fullest efforts. Yeah, I'm a total slacker. In my defense, I've got my other causes I'm championing. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<a href="http://isunlocked.com/">Infosec Unlocked</a> had a party, which I did attend, and there was also a <a href="http://www.meetup.com/hackerwomen/">"W" Hacker Women's Party</a>, which alas, I missed due to my personal failings at being able to comprehend physical space and the relentless passage of time.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I at least support these efforts in spirit. If anyone says that X class of people should stop complaining and actually <i>do</i> something, please know that X class of people probably are already making various efforts. Just because someone is complaining doesn't mean they aren't also building something and effecting change hands-on. Complaining has its place, as does doing. Thumbs up for all of that. And keep in mind that the ability to <i>not</i> have to worry about these sorts of issues, so you can spend time on lots of other fun projects, is itself a privilege.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Anyway, if Queercon can do it, so are we!</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h4>
Other Parties</h4>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
A quick shout out to the 303 Party, which was awesome. Great food, loud music, strong drinks, and opportunities for conversation. We can always count on DC303 to make a party happen.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6jMf358nG41FfFnxaxqQ8GlXbqCx1bwrzOUocR0qlTqLkj5CwHqk_5Ow33EmIIpr5WZ0uG4PL7R-eAB5ECreuPVzEPmZozafwQxUxs10-ihnB0lgUfheqhYreOGQr2vzc5X7WU7rMVFw/s1600/DC23+-+Jumped+the+shark+faces+blurred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6jMf358nG41FfFnxaxqQ8GlXbqCx1bwrzOUocR0qlTqLkj5CwHqk_5Ow33EmIIpr5WZ0uG4PL7R-eAB5ECreuPVzEPmZozafwQxUxs10-ihnB0lgUfheqhYreOGQr2vzc5X7WU7rMVFw/s320/DC23+-+Jumped+the+shark+faces+blurred.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The DC303 party jumped the shark!<br />
(And the shark twerked back.)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
And a shout out to barcon, the con that moves to casino bars after all the parties have died a drunken death. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
And to the DC949 guys, who, in a stroke of brilliance, decided that rather than throw a party, they should just take the party with them onto the con floor! They're the ones with the brightly-colored LED biohazard backpacks plus magic music-making speaker things. At some point late Friday night, long after the parties, when barcon had begun to grow stale, I found myself dancing behind them, through the streets of Paris, as they led con-goers with their spell, like rats or children following the Pied Piper through Hamelin. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/PiedPiperOfHamelin_1769.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/PiedPiperOfHamelin_1769.jpg" height="187" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artist's depiction of the DC949 "party"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
We ended up in some room, after which, I believe someone stole and returned an electric scooter, the sun came up, and incidents occurred. Not necessarily in that order.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsqamgMsNWNQMX2kigQrt9mkS44hN6k2Dc7Hlz3c8TPS5Xc-dF2C2A7KZbhmXRgIiR7_npg6LGeeB9xXXFfVjfHfnjc9wa46dFyi6kDNt6iPX7fpQBserFdBZelSbx6A5Fvxq7q_w1gok/s1600/DC23+-+Riv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsqamgMsNWNQMX2kigQrt9mkS44hN6k2Dc7Hlz3c8TPS5Xc-dF2C2A7KZbhmXRgIiR7_npg6LGeeB9xXXFfVjfHfnjc9wa46dFyi6kDNt6iPX7fpQBserFdBZelSbx6A5Fvxq7q_w1gok/s320/DC23+-+Riv.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Abandoned barcon area over at the Rio. Ah, memories.<br />
Uh, I don't remember how I <i>got</i> to the Rio,<br />
but this pic is on my phone, so.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Speaking of music, the <a href="https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-23/dc-23-soundtrack.html">DEFCON 23 Soundtrack</a> is as cool as ever, but this year even <i>more</i> cool than ever because it is conveniently <a href="https://open.spotify.com/album/44Ea2urGZHKKJHe8ipggHC">on Spotify</a>! No more will you have to place the round plastic disk (no, not a record silly; a "CD") into a "player" you no longer own! Now, through the magic of streaming, you can listen to DEFCON wherever and whenever you please. This is an activity I am presently doing, while simultaneously writing this post. It's a DEFCON miracle. (Nevertheless, please <a href="https://supporters.eff.org/donate/button">donate to the EFF</a> – they are keeping your hacker ass free! FREEDOM!)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If you prefer Pandora, you are flat out of luck, because, what are you still doing on Pandora, grampa??</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<h4>
The End is the Beginning is the End</h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ9m_m8iLeGZ0X-nu-b5rYl5s2szR_bh4O3nUOQdFU3daVkKVFoZOhBz7m08uiTJ32z3VU2qQz6Wn0cBBhuIUKOy7ZdOSkXGsAkpdmYnAvjwblwulaCUEOwspwbVEhtK72PPEAGo8j-VY/s1600/DC23+-+Fnord+cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ9m_m8iLeGZ0X-nu-b5rYl5s2szR_bh4O3nUOQdFU3daVkKVFoZOhBz7m08uiTJ32z3VU2qQz6Wn0cBBhuIUKOy7ZdOSkXGsAkpdmYnAvjwblwulaCUEOwspwbVEhtK72PPEAGo8j-VY/s320/DC23+-+Fnord+cropped.jpg" width="297" /></a></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The true hacker spirit is DIY geekery. To harp on the theme of my previous DEFCON write-ups, get involved! Do stuff! L33tness isn't granted only on the ordained by the Gods of Über, and it isn't even a state of mind. It's a gumption to go out there and do something. This attitude merely requires a little bit of confidence and a dash of bravery. It does <b>not</b> require mythical mad skills that only "other" people have. You can acquire the mad skills, or *surprise!* you may already have the certain mad skills that you are currently undervaluing because those things seem so easy to you.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
That's my new insight this year: I thought I wasn't involved in DEFCON. But I was! All these years, I've been doing the thing that comes naturally – doing the easy thing that's fun for me to do, so I discounted my own contributions.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/78/be/dc/78bedce7df5175d8bebc6bde77c0f9b8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/78/be/dc/78bedce7df5175d8bebc6bde77c0f9b8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The spirit of turkey is within us all.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Other people apparently have found my DEFCON write-ups useful. Writing isn't hacking. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But it's something I'm good at. I let my enthusiasm shine through a comfortable medium. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
After doing write-ups each year, more and more people noticed, which opened doors to new opportunities, which enabled me to learn new skills and participate in other ways.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>So here's my advice this time around:</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Do what comes easy, what you love, keep doing it even if it might not seem cool or seem like it matters. If it's easy for you, it may be tempting to think it's easy for others, and therefore not valuable.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>But that's bullcrud!</b> If it's easy for you, that means it's probably fun, and it means you're talented and skilled at it. The thing you're good at might actually be really difficult for others, or you might do it in a way no one's ever thought of doing it before. In a DIY culture, that contribution will probably be worth something to someone eventually. Solder and coding are all the rage right now, but there's a place at DEFCON for all types. Lockpicking wasn't always a thing. Hardware hacking wasn't always a thing. There wasn't always a place for artists. So what's your thing? Can you tie it in to hacking and make it a thing? </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiBdcfzGVP6KCcRoAlMllXH0mSUfoJ8T7pUWjd85-p1dtyrCywSGWDGz9mZU5gW8ZfVw6yssNCD8PvX1JaiajmJH3jYFOS5_ZqYxozqg0B4UHvbQhguAzn5i5Z_s9sXu9GEjdtxRODumg/s1600/DC23+-+So+long+and+thanks+for+the+tshirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiBdcfzGVP6KCcRoAlMllXH0mSUfoJ8T7pUWjd85-p1dtyrCywSGWDGz9mZU5gW8ZfVw6yssNCD8PvX1JaiajmJH3jYFOS5_ZqYxozqg0B4UHvbQhguAzn5i5Z_s9sXu9GEjdtxRODumg/s320/DC23+-+So+long+and+thanks+for+the+tshirt.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So long, and thanks for all these t-shirts.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
That is the key advantage of hacker culture. The outside world sees little value in your efforts and weird hobbies. But at DEFCON, we're all huge nerds with obsessions for activities that mainstreamers see as meaningless. There's a good chance that someone will appreciate your passion for what it is.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
And you will eventually (not right away) be noticed and appreciated. It will unlock doors into friendships and new connections, more opportunities, more chances for conversations and fun, and exposure to learning new things.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This advice applies not just at DEFCON, but to other communities, too. Over time, as you experience more positive feedback for what you've done, it can, eventually, build your confidence and defeat your <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome">Impostor Syndrome</a>.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So start out with the easy stuff. Follow your passion and your curiosity. Experiment, don't be afraid to fail, and by blundering around, you will find your niche.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
And most of all, realize that you, too, have something to give. Let's see what you've got.</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-87359035561047915662015-03-15T11:33:00.001-07:002016-07-23T15:36:35.404-07:00Norwescon 38 ScheduleI'm so excited to be on panels at <a href="http://www.norwescon.org/">Norwescon</a> for the first time this year. This is something I've dreamed of since attending Norwescon in the 90s – being an author and sitting on panels talking about smart things. And what a great year to start, with George R.R. Martin as the guest of honor!<br />
<br />
Here's my schedule of the smart things I'm going to talk about, along with my reading.<br />
<br />
If you're at the con Thursday night, there's actually not much going on, so please come see me read! I need two people in the audience, and one of those people could be you! I will most likely read <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/magazine/008-touch-of-tides/">Touch of Tides</a>, hard science fiction about a woman who uses her synesthesia to make an exciting discovery about life under the ice on Europa. This story is particularly themed towards many of the panels I'll be speaking on. It's a good example of alien communication, women in SF, expanding the sciences in SF, writing about lifeforms outside of our experience, and even, yes, even invisible disabilities to some extent.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Official schedule, April 2-5, 2015:</h3>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
<b>Writing the Other</b><br />
Getting into the heart and head of someone or something you’re not, and how to do so with authority.<br />
<b>Thu 4:00pm-5:00pm - Cascade 10</b><br />
<br />
<b>Reading: Luna Lindsey</b><br />
Probably: Touch of Tides<br />
<b>Thu 9:30pm-10:00pm - Cascade 1</b><br />
<br />
<b>Invisible Disabilities</b><br />
Not every disability is apparent at a glance, nor is anyone’s personal health anyone else’s business. From mental illness to chronic disease to a variety of syndromes and impairments too lengthy to list, we’ll discuss the difficulties of living with chronic health conditions, the stigmas associated, what progress has (or hasn’t) been made in reforming public perception, and strategies on getting other people to mind their own blasted business.<br />
<b>Fri 11:00am-12:00pm - Cascade 10</b><br />
<br />
<b>Giving Good Alien</b><br />
It’s pretty darn hard to write about a life form completely outside of our experience. No matter how good an SF story is, if you come across an alien that’s either “just a guy in a suit” or too far from out current understanding of physics, it can throw you out of the story. So what does it take to create a believable alien?<br />
<b>Fri 1:00pm-2:00pm - Evergreen 1&2</b><br />
<br />
<b>Diversity in Spec Fic Publishing</b><br />
Whitewashed covers, hyper-sexualized female characters, and the all-straight-cis-white-able-bodied cast… how can we make our genre genuinely inclusive, both as members of “otherized†groups or as allies?<br />
<b>Fri 2:00pm-3:00pm - Cascade 3&4</b><br />
<br />
<b>Women In Science Fiction</b><br />
It’s 2015 and most films (and many books) still fail the Bechdel test. Are there any good female role models in science fiction? Or are they still relegated to being damsels in distress? A discussion of both weak and strong female science fiction characters in modern SF and how authors can (and do) give them life and agency of their own.<br />
<b>Fri 7:00pm-8:00pm - Cascade 7&8</b><br />
<br />
<b>Level Up Your Indie Skillset</b><br />
How can you tell if your cover design’s a winner? What’s your pricing strategy? Do you format, or pay a service? Self-publishing requires that you pick up secondary skills beyond writing books and Tweeting — we’ll tell you how.<br />
<b>Sat 6:00pm-7:00pm - Cascade 9</b><br />
<br />
<b>Expanding the Sciences in Hard SF</b><br />
What scientific fields deserve more attention in fiction besides quantum mechanics, biology, genetic engineering? Kim Stanley Robinson has done a wonderful job using geology and climatology, for example. We’ll discuss the best exceptions to the rule, and talk about cutting edge science that has yet to be explored in fiction.<br />
<b>Sat 7:00pm-8:00pm - Cascade 5</b><br />
<br />
<b>Geek Policing: Don't Do It</b><br />
Geek Policing happens when someone evinces interest in something of the nerdy persuasion, and someone else starts quizzing them on it like nerddom is the Ivy League. It’s not okay. And we, all of us, nerds of all genders, need to stop it. Period.<br />
<b>Sun 12:00pm-1:00pm - Cascade 6</b><br />
<br />
<b>Alien Communication</b><br />
Humans cannot engage in meaningful conversation with other Earth life, despite centuries of trying. What makes us think that communicating with aliens will be so easy?<br />
<b>Sun 3:00pm-4:00pm - Cascade 3&4</b><br />
<br />
The full Norwescon schedule can be found here: <a href="http://www.norwescon.org/con/schedule-of-events/">http://www.norwescon.org/con/schedule-of-events/</a>Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-81690570769239471782015-02-25T21:08:00.000-08:002015-02-25T21:24:24.630-08:00Benny, Joon, & Me: An Autism Movie Takes On Ableism & Soundly Defeats It<h3>
In 1993, my 19 year old brain latched on to a movie character and wouldn't let go. Now in 2015, I rewatched to find out why. </h3>
<div class="p2">
<br />
In 1993 <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism">autism</a> was considered a rare condition that was little understood. Few English-speaking mental health professionals had even heard of its higher-functioning form, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome">Asperger Syndrome</a>, because it wouldn't be in the DSM (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders">Diagnostic and Statistics Manual</a>) for another year.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Nevertheless, writers and actors excel at capturing the human spirit. That year, a movie came out that accurately depicted high-functioning autism and directly combated ableism (harmful beliefs about disabled people) in unambiguous terms.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benny_%26_Joon">Benny & Joon</a></i> is unique. How often are two disabled people allowed to fall in love <i>with each other</i> on the big screen? This may be the only autistic romance movie in existence.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If you are autistic, <i>Benny & Joon</i> offers validation, empowerment, and positive self-image. If you know an autistic adult or child, this movie should add depth to your understanding of them. And if you never expect to meet an autist, well, <a href="http://www.autism-society.org/what-is/facts-and-statistics/">statistics are against you</a>, but at least watch it to have your heart warmed and your awareness expanded.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51mPit2-efL._SX940_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51mPit2-efL._SX940_.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
It saddens me, however, that certain critics somehow found <i>Benny & Joon</i> problematic. Throughout this post, I will directly answer the points made by one of these reviews. </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<u>Spoiler warning:</u> This review reveals plot points and thematic arcs, but don't worry. The formulaic storyline is already somewhat predictable; the joy is in seeing it played out on screen by interesting characters. You might even enjoy it more by having this autistic lens to view it through.</blockquote>
<h2>
Why My Brain Latched On and Wouldn't Let Go</h2>
<div class="p2">
When I first saw this movie, I didn't know that 18 years later I would be diagnosed with Aspergers. But my subconscious knew that Joon was <i>like me</i>. I loved Joon. I admired her. I related to her. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I identified with her odd little mannerisms, and knew that, deep down, I wanted to hold the same flat affect on my face and make those jerky, birdlike motions. Her descriptions of the world mirrored my own strange ways of thinking. Her outbursts and unusual speech patterns reflected an inner persona I was holding at bay, like I had this little bit of crazy locked up inside that escaped sometimes when no one was looking. </div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="p2">
Shortly after seeing the movie the first time, I had a dream. It was of a blond girl, dressed in gray, running nimbly along the top of a castle wall. When she reached the peak, she jumped. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
And I awoke.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I knew instantly that she was inspired by Joon. There was this deep sense that the girl was incredibly smart and talented, and yet she was also mentally immature, restricted, and damaged in some way.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It inspired a novella I wrote about a princess kidnapped into slavery, and her will is beaten out of her. She is rescued in adulthood, but never lost her stunted naiveté juxtaposed against a keen mental acuity. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
When I finished writing, I realized it was an autobiography: a metaphorical account of my own abuse by teachers and peers, an allegory of the way the world misunderstood me and of all the messages from a world that told me I was crazy and broken.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3odr1pSbhehE9ys0v5xoZON4DXZoKQ6KkoNk99tPZ2X5SABM6iQLQ4vkvjWtLrrfPz2Ark4Hi5KBhySIjMPbVOBWXSks8xcUlOU6glaACx_t97indrD3ux65tvgVV8H0q4-2edlyRBlU/s1600/2015-02-07+22.27.56.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3odr1pSbhehE9ys0v5xoZON4DXZoKQ6KkoNk99tPZ2X5SABM6iQLQ4vkvjWtLrrfPz2Ark4Hi5KBhySIjMPbVOBWXSks8xcUlOU6glaACx_t97indrD3ux65tvgVV8H0q4-2edlyRBlU/s1600/2015-02-07+22.27.56.png" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I even borrowed a few decorating tips from Joon. <br />
Colored bottles, knickknacks, brightly colored wispy fabrics. <br />
This is basically my room.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
Looking back, I can see just how validating this movie was, and how beneficial it was to my own development. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Movies like these give millions of undiagnosed autists something to connect to and a way to feel valued when the rest of the world is marginalizing us for being different.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
Evidence of Autism</h2>
<div class="p2">
The movie refers to Joon simply as "mentally ill", and doesn't comment at all on Sam's condition. In 1993, "mentally ill" might have been the only diagnosis available for a high-functioning autist. So we're left to speculate. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The most common armchair diagnosis I've seen online (aside from autism) is that Joon is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia">schizophrenic</a>, and that Sam is "quirky". Perhaps this is because autists are often not thought to be capable of creativity, and since Joon is a painter, she must be schizophrenic? </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitmdVfWssOZjjoh5felw7HIE4Op5OawTeW09NwReLeMax4j_oIX6WML22FR9LIQVTuRRKfHGHkdYzetzks3LPmCEIXaidW0vfPyFpVlek80-1T6cFL5PIMXGhkDk_P47eyXRu44HkqjGU/s1600/2015-02-25+17.34.09.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitmdVfWssOZjjoh5felw7HIE4Op5OawTeW09NwReLeMax4j_oIX6WML22FR9LIQVTuRRKfHGHkdYzetzks3LPmCEIXaidW0vfPyFpVlek80-1T6cFL5PIMXGhkDk_P47eyXRu44HkqjGU/s1600/2015-02-25+17.34.09.png" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://image.tmdb.org/t/p/original/pi791CxSg0AXfX5dwJJfaFdWtWq.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://image.tmdb.org/t/p/original/pi791CxSg0AXfX5dwJJfaFdWtWq.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So much creationizing!<br />
And paintifying! Look at all that paintifying!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Misconceptions like this pervade both society and the medical community, which is one reason it took me so long to look into Aspergers for myself. Like Joon, I was merely "quirky" with a tendency towards "mental illness" that I kept under wraps. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So let's <a href="http://autismtn.org/about-autism/myths/">clear up the misconceptions</a>. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Autism traits tend to vary widely from person to person, some even manifesting in opposite ways. Many traits haven't been studied and are not part of official diagnostic manuals. When you read about autism long enough and learn about some of the root causes (like sensory processing issues), you start to notice patterns.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Let's consider Sam first. Here are his <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome#Characteristics">autistic traits</a> that jumped out quite starkly:</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2011/07/special-interests.html">Special interest</a> in movies, particularly old movies, particular the silent-film comedian, Buster Keaton.</li>
<li>Twenty-six years old, with no job, living with relatives, and <a href="http://www.hanen.org/Helpful-Info/Articles/Autism-Spectrum-Disorder-and-Early-Literacy--Commo.aspx">not functionally literate</a>.</li>
<li>"<a href="http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/mean-autistic-kids-line-things-up-10957.html">Spends all day polishing forks</a>," according to his cousin.</li>
<li>Struggles with his literacy issues <a href="http://www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/autism/life-autism-spectrum/autism-problems-getting-job">when applying for a job</a>.</li>
<li>An <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/201007/the-unorthodox-gift">unorthodox thinker</a> in nearly every regard.</li>
</ul>
<ul class="ul1">
</ul>
<div class="p2">
Joon's list is longer; she's on screen more.</div>
<ul class="ul1">
<li class="li3">Sudden outbursts, bad enough to chase away housekeepers (aka caregivers).</li>
<li class="li3">Needs things to be just right or she has an "<a href="http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2012/09/meltdowns-in-adults-with-aspergers-high.html">episode</a>".</li>
<li class="li3">Picky about housekeepers. Joon rejects them for a long list of imperfections. One committed sins of metaphor, and another, "her hair smelled". These indicate <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-autism-advocate/201003/what-is-sensory-processing-disorder-and-how-is-it-related-autism">sensory processing issues</a> and a need for certainty and <a href="http://www.autismkey.com/the-literal-mind-of-autism/">literalism</a>.</li>
<li class="li3">Seems comforted when she's painting. </li>
<li class="li3"><a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3601920/">Particular about food</a>.</li>
<li class="li3"><a href="http://www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/autism/parents-children-autism-spectrum/fears-anxieties-sensory-issues-and-meltdowns">Wears a helmet</a> when riding in the car.</li>
<li class="li3">Shows deep creativity and intelligence but no one takes her seriously.</li>
<li class="li3">Fascinated with fire (for similar reasons why some autists are <a href="http://www.autismlearningfelt.com/2012/07/connection-between-autism-and-water.html">fascinated by water</a> – watching the flow and movement).</li>
<li class="li3">Doesn't get along with peers (according to her doctor).</li>
<li class="li3">"Her stress level is always a factor in her display of symptoms," according to her doctor.</li>
<li class="li3">Gets hung up on moral details which results in outbursts of anger (<a href="https://aspectsofaspergers.wordpress.com/tag/rigidity/">moral rigidity</a>).</li>
<li class="li3">"Her <a href="http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/obsessions-repetitive-behaviours-and-routines/routines-and-resistance-to-change.aspx">routine</a> is everything to her," Benny describes to Sam.</li>
<li class="li3">Notable <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimming">stimming</a> (self-stimulation, like rocking or shaking a leg) when she's nervous.</li>
<li class="li3">Talks to herself. At some point Benny says that she hears voices, but as it's depicted on screen, it could easily be <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echolalia">echolalia</a>, or repetitive <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEB7nGvJt7I">vocal stimming</a>.</li>
<li class="li3">Nearly has a meltdown when Sam plays loud rock music (sensory processing). She takes away his radio. Later, she has trouble articulating the experience, particularly what she was seeing and hearing, which indicates that her verbal skills are conditional.</li>
<li class="li3">Kicks Sam out for "cleaning the house." Probably because her things got moved — highly anxiety-producing for many autists.</li>
</ul>
<div class="p2">
She has other traits which are more difficult to describe. For instance, she may have a form of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia">synesthesia</a>, which is common in autists, as evidenced by a scene in which she describes how the raisins in her pudding must feel emotionally. Many autists <a href="http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love-versus-object-personification-synesthesia/">sense that objects have personalities</a>, either to a mild or extreme degree.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
There are only two times when she breaks with autistic behavior. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCO0LTu0eGoTO4NLU-XQ9wKXS2hZppZvtnaLO3-GAGzNJ6pGJpGFJcUWKjul4iGrzFoU1rVpEi2WYNuQon2HhGk7RJzcv6cNITwfGex3UYxz5y1DWoi8BUvcJmnxUW4X9W2ah3B8j9bSo/s1600/2015-02-25+17.57.38.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCO0LTu0eGoTO4NLU-XQ9wKXS2hZppZvtnaLO3-GAGzNJ6pGJpGFJcUWKjul4iGrzFoU1rVpEi2WYNuQon2HhGk7RJzcv6cNITwfGex3UYxz5y1DWoi8BUvcJmnxUW4X9W2ah3B8j9bSo/s1600/2015-02-25+17.57.38.png" height="180" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">STOP: Not typical autistic behavior.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
At one point, she stands in the middle of the street and "directs traffic" with a ping pong paddle, and acts totally detached from reality. To be very clear, this is not something a typical autist would do, but might be more in line with schizophrenia or <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder">bipolar</a> in a hyper-manic phase. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In another scene, she melts down on a bus in a high-stress situation. Initially, her behavior is in line with an autistic meltdown (including rocking and hand flapping). But as the tension heightens, she becomes paranoid. Such behavior <i>could</i> stem from an extreme meltdown, but not typically.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
These exceptions can be explained either by <a href="http://www.iidc.indiana.edu/?pageId=3616">comorbidities</a> (other conditions that occur alongside autism), or as necessary additions to drive the plot. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
A Positive Portrayal</h2>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/27700000/Benny-Joon-3-benny-and-joon-27775609-1018-668.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/27700000/Benny-Joon-3-benny-and-joon-27775609-1018-668.jpg" height="209" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Autistic people are capable of love, happiness, creativity, and agency.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
Overall, the film portrays autism in a positive and realistic light, neither overly glorifying it, nor bemoaning our miserable fate. It grapples with real issues that autists and our caregivers or family must face, and manages to frame it in a light-hearted comedy. The theme comes across strongly and can be summarized in this sentence: </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<b>"Disabled people have the right to make their own choices."</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The movie represents autists as human and promotes <a href="http://www.wired.com/2013/04/neurodiversity/">neurodiversity</a>, highlighting the value we can provide to ourselves and those around us, even to those might otherwise see us as useless burdens.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Moreover, <i>Benny & Joon:</i> </div>
<ul class="ul1">
<li class="li3">depicts autists as capable of love and deserving of a love life; </li>
<li class="li3">depicts autists as capable of happiness, even when we're not "productive" by societal standards; </li>
<li class="li3">portrays a loving sibling relationship with an autist, where her brother is (for the most part) good to her. (Contrast this to the sibling relationship in <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rain_Man#Plot">Rain Man</a></i>.)</li>
</ul>
<h2>
Romance</h2>
<div class="p2">
The romantic arc truly sets this film apart. It doesn't merely depict a successful autistic love relationship; it goes further, contrasting it to Benny's neurotypical romance with Ruthie.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLChXVqap2vNX06oWhrZJ5HeVneMwNMfJxr-2OJv5QqGagnSLQSrQ4ZOTBo1-ZMBqdlNSVETEGmdmIk1qORFBnzy_ymu5bdXt9rCVkfldHn9MSq0Nq4AMOSTVYexjs6UXzGEIgvzExHnE/s1600/2015-02-25+17.09.21.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLChXVqap2vNX06oWhrZJ5HeVneMwNMfJxr-2OJv5QqGagnSLQSrQ4ZOTBo1-ZMBqdlNSVETEGmdmIk1qORFBnzy_ymu5bdXt9rCVkfldHn9MSq0Nq4AMOSTVYexjs6UXzGEIgvzExHnE/s1600/2015-02-25+17.09.21.png" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Chemistry so powerful you can reach out and touch it.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
Sam and Joon's chemistry is palpable — innocent and enchanting. They seem to communicate without words. Each seems to have finally found a kindred soul, and, though neither has any experience with love, they take their first steps with grace, with no hint of shame or self-consciousness.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
In contrast, Benny and Ruthie's chemistry is awkward. Joon and Sam are far more socially capable (with each other) than the <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=allistic">allistic</a> (non-autistic) leads, who are constantly fumbling. Their barriers to love center around miscommunication and a lack of self-awareness. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEDM3kEBY__6Uxfbztp6KeJ60OzV2QG_3FV5q1ViQZPU2NC6-vX0-XqTCjA7-vtBEcd_c_-kiu_NlHZlHavhzvRZaJWqoEJydnlSVhCb-_JbinJelkab7GA5l7dYHbKjZ52OWBVKMPLH0/s1600/2015-02-25+17.06.36.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEDM3kEBY__6Uxfbztp6KeJ60OzV2QG_3FV5q1ViQZPU2NC6-vX0-XqTCjA7-vtBEcd_c_-kiu_NlHZlHavhzvRZaJWqoEJydnlSVhCb-_JbinJelkab7GA5l7dYHbKjZ52OWBVKMPLH0/s1600/2015-02-25+17.06.36.png" height="179" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Things are just not coming together for these two.<br />
These scenes are literally back to back.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
This is a reversal of the standard expectations and it filled me with glee. It reminds viewers that allists can also be poor at social interactions and <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2014/10/double-standards-irony-of-empathy-and.html">empathy</a>, even with each other.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I often say that autism is characterized by extreme mental strengths and specializations juxtaposed against extreme mental deficits. Particularly sweet is how Joon and Sam's autistic extremes compliment one another, each filling in the void left by the other's weaknesses. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In one scene, barely-literate Sam tries to write to his mother. Joon rewrites the letter with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperlexia">hyperlexic</a> skill. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYUS0jsG6P_tBAtsigW54AaHwlcEmqSKQGOyl2W6W_l5XgOh6Jav4H6mpu8cH-Qo7sWeMOpQA44ecZpVmbACM5u8ZEgXEDW6tFm4Cq7syytOtvglNtXIt8GbtNgyjw12kgT6QFZm1yAks/s1600/2015-02-25+17.39.17.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYUS0jsG6P_tBAtsigW54AaHwlcEmqSKQGOyl2W6W_l5XgOh6Jav4H6mpu8cH-Qo7sWeMOpQA44ecZpVmbACM5u8ZEgXEDW6tFm4Cq7syytOtvglNtXIt8GbtNgyjw12kgT6QFZm1yAks/s1600/2015-02-25+17.39.17.png" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the harsh realities of autism depicted here.<br />
Writing is difficult for many on the spectrum,<br />
whereas it comes easily to others, like me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
She's got problems of her own, though. For instance, she is sloppy and disorganized. He cleans the house with acute, almost obsessive, attention to detail. In spite of her initial distress, she warms to this pretty quickly.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
Is Autism A "Disability"? Or A Difference In Cultures</h2>
<div class="p2">
The story argues for what many autists already believe: that most problems associated with autism aren't intrinsically caused by autism itself. They are more often caused by neurotypical expectations that autists are unable to meet, in an environment that is set up exclusively for neurotypical success. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Every conflict Joon or Sam have is with the world, not with themselves or with each other. Individually, Joon is happy; Sam is happy. And they're happy together. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
All of their problems are caused by allists: the endless stream of housekeepers who can't get along with Joon, the doctor who wants to send Joon to a group home, and the overprotective brother who won't let her make her own choices. It's a world in which their talents — her art and Sam's performance comedy — aren't appreciated — at least not enough that anyone will give them a living wage. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
While Benny and Ruthie struggle to hook up, Joon and Sam progress blissfully and problem-free. No significant misunderstandings, no hidden defensiveness. You get the sense that if they could live on their own little planet, they'd be perfectly functional.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This is a sentiment expressed by many autists. We feel like we were born on the <a href="http://wrongplanet.net/">WrongPlanet</a>. Our most distressing symptoms come from living in an allistic world trying to conform to a neurotypical culture.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdkl7TAdMiIbpj89oR_xzqxoqUXbPVFxZ39ko6IK-buSZPvGXbnt_sCbcXbcz5Kv95ifvOVEU2MBLpnhxdp7frRoQ12x5-RnLtXWYV81RkZYdzd0zeHkKr10MDdzwrRt1RwOw2y6Mms-w/s1600/2015-02-25+17.42.44.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdkl7TAdMiIbpj89oR_xzqxoqUXbPVFxZ39ko6IK-buSZPvGXbnt_sCbcXbcz5Kv95ifvOVEU2MBLpnhxdp7frRoQ12x5-RnLtXWYV81RkZYdzd0zeHkKr10MDdzwrRt1RwOw2y6Mms-w/s1600/2015-02-25+17.42.44.png" height="226" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The application process almost proves to be an unbeatable obstacle,<br />
as it is for many on the spectrum. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Sam eventually uses his expertise and passion for movies to get a job in a video store. Many autists struggle to feel like their idiosyncratic special interests are useful, but he figures out how to make a living at it. This isn't possible for all autists, but it's at least one role model in a world with none.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It sends a message to society: Don't underestimate us. We have skills. Maybe not the exact skills you want us to have, or we might be rough around the edges, but widen your view and you might be surprised. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
"Patronizingly Adorable" or Patronizingly Keeping Us In Our Place?</h2>
<div class="p2">
Not all reviewers agree with me. Carleen Tibbetts titled her feminist <a href="http://btchflcks.com/">btchflcks.com</a> review, "<a href="http://www.btchflcks.com/2013/07/disabilities-week-the-patronizingly-adorable-side-of-schizophrenia-in-benny-joon.html#.VNbnqmTF-ww">The Patronizingly 'Adorable' Side of Schizophrenia</a>." As an autistic woman, I found <i>her</i> review patronizingly dismissive, condescending, and ignorant.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The author of the piece is bipolar, which makes her an authority on <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_disability">invisible disabilities</a> in general, but it does <i>not</i> make her an authority on autism. Just to make it clear: being one neurotype does not make you an expert on other neurotypes. I live with a bipolar woman, a couple of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_disorder">OCDs</a>, and another aspie. I'm careful to never assume their experience. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Even though she concludes that Joon is autistic, Tibbetts insists on using the word "schizophrenic," as if the two neurotypes are interchangeable. It's frankly offensive… probably to schizophrenics, too.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Her lack of knowledge is revealed in a number of places. Most egregious is when she calls Joon's outbursts "tantrums", when she indicates that better meds might help with this and her "erratic behavior". <a href="http://www.autism-causes.com/the-meltdown.html">Anyone familiar with ASD</a> would call them "meltdowns," or at the very least, would use non-derogatory terms. They would also understand that, while some meds can help reduce anxiety and lower risk and severity of meltdowns, there is no medication currently that can treat the erratic behavior of autism. <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/02/25/they-don-t-want-an-autism-cure.html">Many autists would resist taking such a med out of fear that it would change the very nature of who we are</a>.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmaWGLJ-QbliO8LsbH9IwXQbBDnEgXfFKFp0QdMmi88OGNGZCNhFrZbikz1U9JRcGZoIYJ-BnH_tduUS3tEMZ4J3LxBmOSMRCPsPfVrQWSdomQk1OXC7gA9FDCeRG9XyKUNBAfVhZOQMY/s1600/2015-02-25+17.53.04.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmaWGLJ-QbliO8LsbH9IwXQbBDnEgXfFKFp0QdMmi88OGNGZCNhFrZbikz1U9JRcGZoIYJ-BnH_tduUS3tEMZ4J3LxBmOSMRCPsPfVrQWSdomQk1OXC7gA9FDCeRG9XyKUNBAfVhZOQMY/s1600/2015-02-25+17.53.04.png" height="180" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This? Is not a "tantrum."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
"Tantrum" implies a childish, manipulative call for attention. In reality, a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/autismdiscussionpage/posts/557233141022857">meltdown is a sensory overload</a> that floods our brains with panic or emotional overwhelm, leaving us with little control over our bodies or speech. I tell people a meltdown is like an emotional seizure, and they should treat it like a medical problem. It's poor allyship to perpetuate this marginalizing stereotype.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Her review flies under the flag of false advocacy. Her outrage at <i>Benny & Joon</i> reminds me of the <a href="http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/derpy-hooves">Derpy Hooves controversy</a>, where parents of developmentally challenged children found the My Little Pony character offensive, and protested to get her edited out of the show. In contrast, the <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=193545">majority of <i>actual</i> autists</a> felt personally attacked. A character we related to was made invisible by our supposed allies. By deleting Derpy, they deleted us.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/244/049/b78.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/244/049/b78.png" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/cg-_HeVNYOk/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cg-_HeVNYOk?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Save Derpy</span></div>
<div class="p1" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I dare you not to cry.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
The organization Autism Speaks <a href="http://emmashopebook.com/2013/11/13/whats-wrong-with-autism-speaks/">does the same thing</a> <a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/emilywillingham/2013/11/13/why-autism-speaks-doesnt-speak-for-me/">in the name of autism advocacy</a>. As does Ms. Tibbetts in this review.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>These patronizing, chivalrous, well-meaning allies are Disability Ventriloquists, because they think we're dummies and they try to speak for us.</b> We remain dehumanized, pawns without agency, moved around on the chessboard by whoever speaks for us the loudest. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://katmou.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/90540-050-cfab838c.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://katmou.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/90540-050-cfab838c.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>I am not your dummy.</b><br />
#ActuallyAutistic</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
But I'd like to thank Ms. Tibbetts for being wrong, because she provides a good counterpoint for a detailed look at what this movie does right. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
Too Adorkable? Oh noes!</h2>
<div class="p2">
The Bitch Flicks review takes greatest issue with how <i>Benny & Joon</i> presents autism: </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<b>"There is NOTHING 'adorable' about mental illness… [This movie] trivializes and downplays a serious, crippling disorder." </b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Ahem. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
First, autism is not a "crippling disorder," which is a point made within the film itself when Benny repeatedly underestimates Joon's and Sam's capabilities. For Bitch Flicks to perpetuate this stereotype in the face of a film that attempts to dismantle it is the pinnacle of ablism.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Secondly, <i>Benny & Joon</i> is a comedy. Its job is making us laugh.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Nevertheless, the darker aspects of autism are explicitly portrayed. Benny's life is severely impacted by having to take care of his sister. Sam is grateful to sleep on Benny's couch because his cousin had him sleeping under the sink. Joon nearly burns the house down a couple of times. One of her meltdowns is so uncomfortably and realistically depicted on screen that tears came to my eyes. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtHD09VcS-Raw8iz3frJ3iT9Zmu5lpXXX9yPbmae0PmLzpBoGG-t5lJFGooxUt-EzCmjJWaT3AJ7vyn2_A1r5k-2Qsue42JkilvbH9WBRdKVAhincxU7MOsPxXjz2Vbf2OEm1u8FRjWgiT/s1600/IMG_4775.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtHD09VcS-Raw8iz3frJ3iT9Zmu5lpXXX9yPbmae0PmLzpBoGG-t5lJFGooxUt-EzCmjJWaT3AJ7vyn2_A1r5k-2Qsue42JkilvbH9WBRdKVAhincxU7MOsPxXjz2Vbf2OEm1u8FRjWgiT/s1600/IMG_4775.JPG" height="175" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This living situation is an improvement over<br />
sleeping under the sink.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Autistic life sucks, and this movie gives us glimpses of these harsh realities lurking there beneath the surface.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
But life as an autist is awesome, too. We <i>are</i> quirky, fun-loving, talented. Yes, we can giggle and paint and be silly. When we're given full freedom to express ourselves, life is an absolute joy to live, both for us, and for our loved ones.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Should we be condemned to misery, even in fiction, because disabilities are <span class="s1">Serious Business</span>?</b> Are we to only have depressing horror films made about us? Is neurotypical society only allowed to see what a burden we are, and how unredeemable and useless we are? Are we supposed to have every light-hearted happy-ending stricken from our collective consciousness?</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If I need to see the untarnished details of the most horrific aspects of being "abnormal", I'll watch <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melancholia_%282011_film%29">Melancholia</a>,</i> <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl,_Interrupted_%28film%29">Girl Interrupted</a></i>, <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavenly_Creatures">Heavenly Creatures</a></i>, or <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102926/">Silence of the Lambs</a></i>. Or I'll just read my twitter feed for about 15 minutes. Or visit some of my own worst memories.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
Problematic? You Don't Get How Stories Work</h2>
<div class="p2">
Some social justice media critics think that if any character acts badly, the whole story is problematic. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I want to destroy that idea right now. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVzURpWI2U1bIbbNwyofBKvPbUDnfnMx3d98gxDK4JBBAopidKbRLTxT_ykirdyWaeetdLz7MKaN2rYh4lCMHRESCLZkdJKi_vRCZVyft3Q4f7a-6BVpK0ileae5_crk3bV2cUW1DinAg/s1600/2015-02-20+22.42.04.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVzURpWI2U1bIbbNwyofBKvPbUDnfnMx3d98gxDK4JBBAopidKbRLTxT_ykirdyWaeetdLz7MKaN2rYh4lCMHRESCLZkdJKi_vRCZVyft3Q4f7a-6BVpK0ileae5_crk3bV2cUW1DinAg/s1600/2015-02-20+22.42.04.png" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ka-boom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
<b>Problematic behavior exists in real life, and it therefore <i>should</i> be depicted in fiction.</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Why? Because those who experience these situations in real life need something relate to. And those who commit harmful behaviors need to see the harm they cause. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I wish more social justice champions understood how how plot and theme work. Here's a quick rundown:</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As Robert McKee points out in <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0042FZVOY/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0042FZVOY&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=KDFTFCTFM5IB6UZR">Story</a></i> (a how-to book for screenwriters and novelists) a theme is an argument between two opposing values, which builds, until it reaches a final conclusion. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It's a debate: a fictional argument. You have to show characters acting in opposition. Who will turn out to be right? The story must depict the tragic results of acting on the opposing value. If no character behaves badly, the conclusion will ring hollow. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If you make a movie to combat ablism, you must depict ablism. To make a movie combatting sexism, you must portray sexism. To make a movie against racism, you've got to show some racists. Otherwise, you have a boring, unconvincing movie where nothing happens. And if we successfully remove these types of problematic content from our fiction, our movement will fizzle out and die.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbF4UChK_bV_7-BDj91w9QJ_x8Gagp5EN-gc3Zb3tlGYQxKjehCwB1kK_q5ZGafeOkRXXLPaXakgZHdFD4yLotteYI-A4QHV7zJ1jbdw5okgrsZ3ANKZclc9jWAZdNG-61_wWe4MeBDqU/s1600/2015-02-25+17.08.58.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbF4UChK_bV_7-BDj91w9QJ_x8Gagp5EN-gc3Zb3tlGYQxKjehCwB1kK_q5ZGafeOkRXXLPaXakgZHdFD4yLotteYI-A4QHV7zJ1jbdw5okgrsZ3ANKZclc9jWAZdNG-61_wWe4MeBDqU/s1600/2015-02-25+17.08.58.png" height="223" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Combatting oppresssion<br />
through the power of creativity</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
So the real proof of a problematic story is in its ending. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We can tell by the ending that the theme of <i>Benny & Joon</i> is, "Developmentally disabled people are capable of, and have the right, to make their own choices." </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The movie refuses to justify Benny's abuse of Joon and Sam. It condemns his behavior and then offers him redemption in a very simple form: Stop treating your sister like a child. Let her grow up and follow her own path.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
An ableist movie would have sent a smiling Joon off to live safely ever after in an institution. The theme would concluded: "Disabled people cannot think for themselves, so they should live out of sight lest they offend our sensibilities or hurt someone."</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Sadly, it seems that Ms. Tibbetts might have preferred that message.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
What Seems Problematic Is Actually Good Storytelling</h2>
<div class="p2">
Benny has taken care of his sister since their parents died. He resists putting her in a group home because he thinks she won't be happy there, and he wants her to have some level of independence. This is admirable.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
But he isn't perfect. He is patronizing and overprotective. Moreover, he's in the difficult position most caregivers are: It's hard to care for someone with special needs. It sets limitations on his free time, money, social life, and energy. He's under a constant emotional drain.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
According to Tibbetts, "<i>Benny & Joon</i> deals far more with Benny’s 'unfortunate' situation of having to care for his sister than it does with Joon herself. Yes, although it does speak to Joon’s creativity, her spirit, etc., it doesn’t address the fact that Benny's kept her infantilized most of her adult life." </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Firstly, the stress of caregiving shouldn't be so flippantly dismissed.</b> It's clear in this movie that Benny simultaneously loves his sister, enjoys her company, <i>and</i> is becoming resentful of the distress she causes him. This is a realistic situation, and an understandable reaction. As an autistic mother with autistic children, I know this all too well.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Secondly, the movie does <i>far</i> more than address Benny's well-intentioned but misguided mistreatment of his sister.</b> This is, in fact, the whole point of the movie, as is shown through dialog, over and over again. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
For example, Sam has been pursuing a job at the video store, where he hopes to capitalize on his special interest. But Benny thinks Sam should make a living as a performer. Sam resists this idea, and in the confrontation, Benny and Joon discuss Sam like he isn't there: </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBclJb6F7dqxlDYkij0lHkvFwbX7Jg61yF6u8MWnIXaMxVIdwJDIIIdt9juO81Vry92xsyBobk1j0abYWxJzu1YyqwmO5UscYzjdMWiZSB5RMu2eK_VT6qI0V_NLAuyVOVSNpphB-1HlE/s1600/2015-02-25+17.47.32.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBclJb6F7dqxlDYkij0lHkvFwbX7Jg61yF6u8MWnIXaMxVIdwJDIIIdt9juO81Vry92xsyBobk1j0abYWxJzu1YyqwmO5UscYzjdMWiZSB5RMu2eK_VT6qI0V_NLAuyVOVSNpphB-1HlE/s1600/2015-02-25+17.47.32.png" height="223" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what addressing ableism looks like.<br />
Benny comes off looking like a <b>big huge jerk</b> in this scene.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
"What is your problem?" Benny asks Joon. "This is his chance to do something, be somebody."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>"He <i>is</i> somebody," Joon replies.</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Yeah, I know, but he wants to be more."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You don't know what he wants."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The argument for autistic agency couldn't be any more clear. Joon is addressing Benny's tendency to infantilize Sam, and by extension, her. And since she's a strong female protagonist, she stands her ground against the onslaught.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Then Joon turns and invites Sam into the conversation, and the couple tells Benny, in not so many words, that they're "together". </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Right on cue, Benny blatantly denies Joon the agency to choose who she loves. He violently kicks Sam out of the house. When she defends her rights, he becomes physically violent with her and decides he's going to send her to the group home, because she can't make good decisions.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Here she is robbed of agency in a very literal way: In the home, she will have no freedom or independence whatsoever. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxELjSSFWZoxAq_SkvwVROMQD9kvZzr_c5TlzTrR_JbvxJsEA43HrWscHkEIWBAgmP1CaLWTpqQPJr468bRE73AcKo-J_roc_U-_h2INkRfz2MMiJtqnwPGMzMOIjsF8bHmcf9aT0Vp1w/s1600/2015-02-07+22.32.22.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxELjSSFWZoxAq_SkvwVROMQD9kvZzr_c5TlzTrR_JbvxJsEA43HrWscHkEIWBAgmP1CaLWTpqQPJr468bRE73AcKo-J_roc_U-_h2INkRfz2MMiJtqnwPGMzMOIjsF8bHmcf9aT0Vp1w/s1600/2015-02-07+22.32.22.png" height="223" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Benny, after their fight: "Can I get you anything?" <br />
In my head canon, Joon replies, "Yes. A new brother!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Benny's attitude is ableist and misogynist. It's the well-meaning paternalism that mentally and physically disabled people have come to expect from real people everywhere. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Ms. Tibbetts can't seem to see how she, too, reflects this attitude in her review, or how it denies us freedom, agency, love, and the ability to be represented with these qualities. She tries to speak for us in the same way Benny speaks for Sam and Joon, an allist who assumes she knows what we want, what media we should or shouldn't relate to or find meaning in, because she knows what's best for us. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>And that makes her a Disability Ventriloquist.</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This scene further drives home the point that our greatest problems come from allists who continually try to force us into unnatural and unfulfilling ways of being: whether it's in career direction, institutions, rigid social expectations, abusive teaching techniques, or through certain abusive therapies.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In a later confrontation with Sam, Benny becomes even more abusive. His behavior crosses the line into bullying territory as he is both violent and verbally cruel to Sam: </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You wanna know why everyone laughs at you, Sam? Because you're an idiot." </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The comment stings in this context, and the word carries with it the harsh power it once had before it started being so casually tossed around. The same hurtful power <a href="http://www.r-word.org/r-word-effects-of-the-word.aspx">the "R" word still carries</a>. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Just to be sure he's clear, Benny puts all the venom he possibly can into his voice and follows up with, "You're a first class moron."</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNi7VS_9fDNx6p4-LekFjXunQG7cjdSakZBXO2FWaSicrwex-3Ux4WJDcL3vmRXS0WJfh5ZgkzmjQ2uPJ6o2laT0rOrvQmp5Lz42ggASjmFZMWQw9sA1_FJIkcAABPgQV1KHIsGy4Bcks/s1600/2015-02-25+17.56.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNi7VS_9fDNx6p4-LekFjXunQG7cjdSakZBXO2FWaSicrwex-3Ux4WJDcL3vmRXS0WJfh5ZgkzmjQ2uPJ6o2laT0rOrvQmp5Lz42ggASjmFZMWQw9sA1_FJIkcAABPgQV1KHIsGy4Bcks/s1600/2015-02-25+17.56.31.png" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh no. You did <b>NOT</b> just say that.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
In response, Sam displays that uncanny human insight that we autists are often capable of. He looks past Benny's aggressive outward behavior and pinpoints Benny's deeper issue: "You're scared," he says. Then he asserts his agency and condemns Benny: "I used to look up to you. Now I can't look at you at all."</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Sam's simple statement stops Benny. In that magical Hollywood moment, Benny realizes how he's mistreated Joon. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As soon as he sees her, he lets go of her, offering her autonomy, a chance to live on her own and to choose her own relationships. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>"I'm through making decisions for you," he says, driving the theme home. </b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
She rightly doesn't trust this change of heart, and during the ensuing argument, she displays the same uncanny autistic insight skill as Sam: "You need me to be sick," she accuses. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Of course this has been true in the past. But Benny has changed. When the doctor pressures Benny to put Joon in a group home ("Joon, we want what's best for you"), he gets his chance to prove his new course in the movie's final thematic pivot. He stops the doctor and says,<b> "Why don't we ask Joon what she wants?"</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Conclusion: Joon is a human being; stop treating her like a child.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
The Feminist Angle</h2>
<div class="p2">
There are few women in this movie. Two men fight over the girl. These are good flaws to point out. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
But I'm also of this opinion: <b>No movie can, or should, escape every problematic trope.</b> When you're throwing new ideas at an audience, you've got to stay focused. If you veer too far from what the audience expects, your point gets lost. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Here's a film that tackles the theme of disability in an impressive way. This argument would have been diluted with sisterhood themes, had Benny instead been Bernadette. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Moreover, we got to see a rarely depicted male character: a nurturing and loving brother who sacrifices money, relationships, and free time, to take care of his sister. This important portrayal helps defeat patriarchal macho-male stereotypes.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Or imagine if Sam was instead Samantha. In 1993, no one would have gone to see the movie, and even today, the disability theme would be completely obliterated by a more controversial LGBT theme.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Tibbetts criticizes the film for giving Sam's talents more screen time than Joon's. But we actually spend far more time following Joon. She is the first person we see, and Sam isn't even introduced until 20 minutes in. We already like her, so we don't need to see dwell on her talents. (Plus, it's kind of boring to watch someone paint.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Sam is the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl#Manic_Pixie_Dream_Boy">manic pixie dream boy</a>, who exists solely to liberate Joon from her cloistered, sheltered life. We're not rooting for Sam to win Joon; we're rooting for Joon to win Sam. It's a reversal of the boy-meets-girl trope, so we're watching Sam through her gaze; we need to see what she likes about him. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi381Un0SczJVF9vTgzvgKPdnHUAkL5z5Uuhp38zH_wgBW0AX7C8R4MaweokhhTUxG95xgrQX6CfKPSKs27kmPG8Zg8twFW_-5H2e6STCtNs39VYo1vaNUdIWqcdtTuLKt5zdwQXXukA6w/s1600/manic+pixie+dream+boy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi381Un0SczJVF9vTgzvgKPdnHUAkL5z5Uuhp38zH_wgBW0AX7C8R4MaweokhhTUxG95xgrQX6CfKPSKs27kmPG8Zg8twFW_-5H2e6STCtNs39VYo1vaNUdIWqcdtTuLKt5zdwQXXukA6w/s1600/manic+pixie+dream+boy.png" height="320" width="222" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So manic. So pixie.<br />
#Swoon</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
<b>After all, she is the one doing the choosing.</b> And that portrayal gets two thumbs up from this feminist.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
Mental Health Services Are The Answer?</h2>
<div class="p2">
Ms. Tibbitts claims the movie doesn't show Joon getting treatment of any kind. I have to wonder if she fell asleep during the scenes with the aforementioned doctor. In one scene, Joon exits a personal session which I assumed was therapy. She is also on medication. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
There is no reason to assume this suddenly stops just because Joon moves out. We might also hope they are able to get social services. Those details are the sort of boring minutia reserved for Wikipedia, government websites, and clinic pamphlets. Not for the ending of a movie.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Ms. Tibbitts' attitude seems to imply that getting help is easy and safe. It is not necessarily either. Most disabled people are pressed for money, professional help is expensive, insurance doesn't cover most of our needs, and social services are severely lacking and difficult to navigate, especially for people on the autistic spectrum. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Even when we can find a way to pay for it, and get through the paperwork, <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/05/12/mental-health-system-crisis/7746535/">mental health services are desperately in shortage</a>, in what USA Today calls a "man-made disaster".</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQbvS40OrqQev1qmG4XbW4yQqXuuFccVjdO_HyrlXhjn4F1zbYxREoCHc1aBSCFNTbeVGvJlaCGWTSBVQLxJAr1Ri9F_ftDvcz7D3sF6qYKLDL7cz7Qj_5cQIvuNnsA_8RvlofqG4LReA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-02-25+at+8.40.21+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQbvS40OrqQev1qmG4XbW4yQqXuuFccVjdO_HyrlXhjn4F1zbYxREoCHc1aBSCFNTbeVGvJlaCGWTSBVQLxJAr1Ri9F_ftDvcz7D3sF6qYKLDL7cz7Qj_5cQIvuNnsA_8RvlofqG4LReA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-02-25+at+8.40.21+PM.png" height="120" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From:<br />
<a href="http://www.afaa-us.org/storage/documents/OAR_NYCA_survey_Current_State_of_Services_for_Adults_with_Autism.pdf">http://www.afaa-us.org/storage/documents/OAR_NYCA_survey_Current_State_of_Services_for_Adults_with_Autism.pdf</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Worse, <b>there are many dangerous programs and therapies that cause more harm than good</b>. Controversy surrounds even some commonly accepted practices. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/CDNlAbECIng/hqdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/CDNlAbECIng/hqdefault.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A news story about abuses at the Judge Rotenberg Center<br />
just last summer. Yes, including electroshock therapy. (Aug 2014)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
Moving into a group home is not all happiness and daisies. As the doctor in the movie says, "<a href="http://autisticadvocacy.org/2014/08/prisoners-of-the-apparatus-the-judge-rotenberg-center/">These are very nice places</a>," but they always say that. Institutions are often rife with all manner of abuses, ranging from <a href="http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/20/another-psychiatric-patient-dies-in-a-hospital-due-to-staff-neglect/">neglect</a> (and <a href="http://www.patriotledger.com/article/20130629/News/306299895">here</a>), to <a href="http://www.autismdailynewscast.com/happened-carly-fleischmann-exclusive-interview-father/23279/shanellis/">electroshock therapy</a>, to outright beatings and <a href="http://articles.philly.com/1999-08-13/news/25482847_1_mental-hospital-male-nurse-male-patient">rape</a>. It's nice to think those barbaric practices are a thing of the past, but we can't count on it.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Yes, therapy, meds, treatment are often beneficial. But it's dangerous to pretend these solutions are the answer for every autistic person. It bothers me to no end when allists carelessly toss them out as if it's all solved. It most certainly <i>isn't</i>.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
For some autists, love is the only available answer. And many don't even have that.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h2>
Strong Disabled Female Character</h2>
<div class="p2">
Ms. Tibbetts' review concludes, "…the underlying message [is] that all Joon really needs is a stable romantic relationship rather than a stable relationship with herself, especially in relation to functioning in the outside world…" </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNoSBVnsn7aXbYcIFd_JcTL8XxzryJ8Ttty6bqhhT6TcMVyox1144yxBUdc_Fc9bthq5uASaCkI4co_GUiOwZxmOBXzX0mD8v-YJkFb24Kj8mx-qs-1U24xY3DqgARDgqBWOEyhXNN2gc/s1600/Joon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNoSBVnsn7aXbYcIFd_JcTL8XxzryJ8Ttty6bqhhT6TcMVyox1144yxBUdc_Fc9bthq5uASaCkI4co_GUiOwZxmOBXzX0mD8v-YJkFb24Kj8mx-qs-1U24xY3DqgARDgqBWOEyhXNN2gc/s1600/Joon.png" height="250" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Thanks for your concern Ms. Feminist Lady, but I like myself fine.<br />Oh, and also? <br />#Swoon</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
Sorry, but Joon likes herself just fine, and neurotypicals be damned. She makes her choices and continues to assert herself against a powerful force that seeks to completely take away her freedom. Through meeting Sam, a fellow autist, she finalizes her already-begun self-actualization. She is liberated.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>She isn't cured or changed. Instead, the world changes to allow her to live as she chooses.</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>This is what the neurodiversity and anti-ableism movement is fighting for.</b> We wish to be accepted without having to force ourselves into the mold society expects of us. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Yet it's by this mold that the reviewer judges Joon. She implies that Joon isn't in a stable relationship with herself unless it's in relation to the neurotypical world. Her relation to herself, only to herself, as a hetro woman in love with another disabled person, letting him provide for her so she can make art, doesn't seem matter. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In the end, Joon and Sam don't let ableist messages control them. And neither will I. I won't let Disability Ventriloquists speak for me. No matter how well-intentioned they are.</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-18925833505972899932015-02-20T09:58:00.000-08:002016-07-23T15:37:02.357-07:00The Meaning of DreamsStories are metaphors. From the moment they arise from the author's deepest dreams, to the second they enter the reader's mind, a story is a form of telepathic communication that conveys images, ideas, and philosophy in a way that no other medium can.<br />
<br />
The message may become garbled. The reader may experience something other than what the author intended. And that's okay. Because the reader can only take in what she is ready to take. She can only comprehend what she is prepared for, and for what every unique moment in her individualized life experience has set her up for. She may feel completely different feelings than I've sent to her, but if she feels something that is personally meaningful to her, then the cycle of communication is complete.<br />
<br />
Fantasy, science fiction, and horror, otherwise known as "speculative fiction", is the most ripe for conveying messages on this wavelength of metaphor. Because anything can happen, because fantastic worlds are built with rules that differ from our own, those rules can better represent the wispy, intangible form of language our subconscious minds speak: the language of symbols.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYwuCAV5ZK3OxnHnnN0c4s0V5S8bw_qMFzqxxcDIeYveDJjfMvsIAC6YJWDlF9ZMSM_PHQt8QKvJ-QjHCm4BF3wuSDA9F1E0s-Qw9bssjJmIZ5BoiFMLd4zDq2HYKWS8GPAm4HUhxGr9Q/s1600/10959507_10205820411607052_4849600044929257410_n.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.webundle.it/?bundle=1" target="_blank">The Legends and Dreams story bundle</a> contains eight such stories. What will pop into your subconscious when you experience a world in which entertainment conveys not only light and sound, but also touch and sensation, as it does in Tonya Macalina's <i>Faces in the Water</i>?<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
What speaks to you about a human boy capable of turning into an aquatic being of myth, like in Roslyn MacFarland's <i>See No Sea</i>?<br />
<br />
What is most intriguing about a society of masked political maneuvering and courtly subterfuge as depicted in E.M. Prazeman's <i>Masks</i>?<br />
<br />
Where will your mind take you when you read about a girl born with a spectral limb in Ripley Paton's <i>Ghost Hand</i>?<br />
<br />
Or more down to earth, will you connect to Courtney Pierce's protagonist, who hunts for a killer and deals with her mother's death, in <i>Stitches</i>?<br />
<br />
Perhaps a tale of traveling to magical realities will speak to your psyche, like Pamela Bainbridge-Cowan's <i>The Butterfly</i>.<br />
<br />
If that doesn't call to your inner Jungian archetypes, there's another world you can travel to via the two characters in <i>Crystal Doors</i>: A steampunk world of science and magic by bestsellers Kevin J. Anderson and Rebecca Moesta.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8k5P0JBE7twjb8oGAq8adb5zn2OgH1BQzav_tYa95RCibRWs4mny9XPqro27jJqOUy1OqsYHS2AN6srY3YKyusI-3S5z6Xt2BsJV8M-km_f60_-GJA6TYYRYXRUEhqNKG4-wR2LHHDLA/s1600/Emerald+City+Dreamer+-+Luna.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8k5P0JBE7twjb8oGAq8adb5zn2OgH1BQzav_tYa95RCibRWs4mny9XPqro27jJqOUy1OqsYHS2AN6srY3YKyusI-3S5z6Xt2BsJV8M-km_f60_-GJA6TYYRYXRUEhqNKG4-wR2LHHDLA/s1600/Emerald+City+Dreamer+-+Luna.jpg" width="124" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
As the author of <i>Emerald City Dreamer</i>, also included in the bundle, I can speak to the metaphors I hoped to convey. But perhaps you will have a different take away. I wanted to show the struggle between reason and hope, between cold logic and creativity. It is dedicated to those of us who have worked corporate day jobs, but wanted more; those of us with dreams bouncing eagerly (or scratching menacingly) just beneath the surface, struggling against reality to finally escape.<br />
<br />
So I wrote about faeries living in the modern world, and about the two women who desperately want to kill them.<br />
<br />
Is this a sales pitch? Yes, it is. I want you to experience the Legends and Dreams bundle because I believe in the power of books and in the majesty of the dying art of reading. Catch a dream. Experience a legend. All eight books are available in one bundle, and you can simply name your price.<br />
<br />
What's even better is that all but one of these authors are women. And all but one book has female protagonists. #WeNeedDiverseBooks? Yes.<br />
<div>
<br />
Legends and Dreams story bundle at <a href="https://www.webundle.it/?bundle=1">WeBundle.it</a></div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-81335645686271389732015-02-06T11:48:00.001-08:002015-02-06T11:55:43.425-08:00Career Crossroads<div class="p1">
Instead of working on <i>Emerald City Iron</i> like I was supposed to, I've spent the last month soul-searching. That's a rose-colored way to say "being existentially depressed wondering about the purpose of life and being totally unable to get any work done." I'm sure either sounds glamorous, but I assure you, it's pretty much not. Though now that I'm putting it this way, and looking back, it does seem a bit more dramatic and interesting than it really was. But maybe that's how lived stories are. They aren't really all that fun until you reach the end and know that everything is going to work out. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
For now anyway.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I suppose I imagined I'd coming out the other side all psyched up to finally finish <i>Emerald City Iron</i> a couple of months late. Instead, I've learned that perhaps I will never finish ECI.</div>
<div class="p1">
<b><br />
</b></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>TL;DR: I'm taking an extended hiatus from writing novels so I can focus on nonfiction books, short fiction, and nonfiction blog posts.</b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I'm going to steer my ship away from writing novels for awhile. And in writer-time, awhile means years. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Instead, I'd like to write another nonfiction book, more nonfiction blog posts (particularly about autism and social justice), and continue to write and publish short stories.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
There are lots of pros and cons to this choice. The most painful part has to do with all the novels I had planned. And worse, those poor novels I've already written that are impatiently waiting for edits. And worse, worse, worse, the five or six people who have let me know very plainly that they are sick and tired of waiting for the sequel to <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007L9CTEI/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=lunalind-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B007L9CTEI" target="_blank">Emerald City Dreamer</a></i>, and if I don't finish it, they're threatening to never read it. Which is fine, because I won't let them. Bwaha. Or something. At any rate, it ensaddens me to let down my loyal readers.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It's also sad that I've got these great moments in ECI and <i>Emerald City Hunter</i> that no one will get to see. (A cow-car chase... How fun is THAT??) This is a major drawback to the decision, but also one of the drawbacks to novelling overall – incredibly delayed gratification – that I'll get to more in a bit. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Those are the cons. The pros far outweigh them. (Protip: That's how you know it's a good decision.)</div>
<div class="p2">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="p1">
I firstly must acknowledge my limitations and work with them, not against them. One of my greatest limitations is extremely high inefficiency when switching tasks. Like, oh, say switching from writing and promoting a 150,000 word nonfiction book about the phycology of Mormonism to editing a 70,000 word novel about trauma recovery and hunting fairies. <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/10/splines-theory-spoons-metaphor-for.html" target="_blank">When it comes to autism and switching gears</a>, that's a the steampunk of all gearshifts. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In other words, it takes way too much time and angst for me to jump between topics and skillsets like that. Especially on <b>big</b> projects grappling with <b>big</b> topics. It also duplicates my work when it comes to promotion and making contacts in each field. Selling urban fantasy is exactly the same as selling recovery books to ex-religionists... Only I have to do it twice in two different communities with twice the number of emails, tweets, blog posts, and potential travel.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If I didn't have the brain I have, I might be able to navigate that level of executive function. But then I also wouldn't be able to write the things I write. Even Supernerd has her crypto-night. (Inability to resist awkward puns is yet another weakness of mine.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
So it comes down to deciding what is most important. What do I want most to accomplish?</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I have lots and lots of things to say. Overall, that's my greatest goal. How can I say them, and how can I say them to the greatest number of interested people?</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The answer seems to be nonfiction and short fiction.<br />
<br />
The novels market is way too flooded to get noticed. And while I can write a novel <i>draft</i> very quickly (two-time <a href="http://nanowrimo.org/" target="_blank">NaNoWriMo</a> champion), and I can edit prose very quickly, editing a complex novel-length narrative seems to take ages. It's the bits of plot and character development and nuance that has to remain just right over 60,000-130,000 words that fouls me up. I <i>can</i> do it; it just takes too long.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Meanwhile, I have all these fiction ideas that want to be released into the wild. I have worlds to build (That's my favorite part.) I have characters and settings and fun to create. And I want to do it over and over again. I can do all that much more quickly through short fiction. The dozen short stories I've published, or come close to publishing, in the last five years have given me a much greater sense of satisfaction than the three novel drafts that no one has read because it takes so damn long to get them out the door. And then once I do, still no one reads them, because there are 3.3 million novels on Amazon.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If I could be more prolific, my novels would rise to the top. But it takes lots of novels. And as I've pointed out, I'm Slowly Slowpants McWriter. I know I can write a good novel, but it takes more than that to be successful as a novelist.. And I don't have what it takes. At least not right now, not at this place in my life.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I'm not going to turn my back on all fiction. I've laid the groundwork to gain fans and friends in the SFF world. I love the SFF community. I'm not going to turn my back on it.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
That's what short fiction is for. Most writers have day jobs and write short stories in their spare time. That's more or less what I'm planning to do. I will continue to pursue publication in pro-rate markets. And without the novels to make me constantly feel like I'm working on the wrong thing, I'm hoping to be able to relax and have more fun with it.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
For the majority of my time, for the de facto "day job," I'd like to write couple of nonfiction books. I'm pretty excited about the idea of "thought liberating clichès." What is the opposite of mind control? How can people, with intention, open their minds? What does a firm yet flexible foundation look like? It will be based on the cognitive structures I created for myself after leaving Mormonism, so it's the logical follow up to <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LU44P2O/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00LU44P2O&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=PVBBB74T4CWEPTVB" target="_blank">Recovering Agency</a></i>, but it would appeal to a larger audience: ex-religionists in recovery, freethinkers and atheists, and anyone brought up in this society where people are usually "trained" and not "educated."</div>
<div class="p1">
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
If you don't understand the difference between education and training, just put the word "sex" in front of each and see if that helps.<br />
— Eλf Sternberg (@elfsternberg) <a href="https://twitter.com/elfsternberg/status/563468781230379008">February 5, 2015</a></blockquote>
Then, in all the spare time that I'm sure I will have, I plan to continue writing blog posts on topics I'm interested in. Here on lunalindsey.com I will continue to blog about autism and all the random things. And I can submit more guest posts about religion and culture on atheism and freethinker blogs, as well as at <a href="http://recoveringagency.com/">RecoveringAgency.com</a>.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So far, nonfiction has been more rewarding than the novel. More people tend to read my nonfiction. I receive regular compliments for <i>Recovering Agency</i> and for my blog posts. Not just "great prose!" kind of compliments either. It's feedback like, "You managed to put words to what I was thinking!" and "You improved my life."<br />
<br />
Basically, my nonfiction is helping people. I'm changing hearts and minds, I'm giving people new ways to look at the world. And I'm persuasive.<br />
<br />
It's very fulfilling.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I'm still slow at writing and editing longer nonfiction. <i>Recovering Agency</i> took 15 months from start to finish. But in many ways it's easier. Everyday I know what I'm supposed to work on. Nonfiction outlines are straightforward. I'm never in doubt about whether this or that change will ruin any plots or be a trope or be cheesy. I don't have to remember all the actions of a whole cast of characters to know whether a scene change will destroy continuity. It's all laid out for me: this chapter is about shame. What do I know about shame? Just answer that question along with references to the research. Done. Next chapter.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Then there's the money. <i>Recovering Agency</i> isn't doing well enough to pay my bills. But it's doing quite well. It's doing well enough that I've made a business account from which I can now pay my work-related expenses, including travel. It's doing well enough that with a couple more like that, I could be financially independent. I am currently being supported by my wonderful life partners, but I don't want to be a burden forever. They still seem happy to pay my way in the world, but there's an emotional cost, for me, to be in this position.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I've also considered speaking. Again, if I'm focused on novels, there are gear-shifting issues.<br />
<br />
Last year, I submitted a couple of papers to conventions and didn't get accepted. But this year, I'd like to spend more effort trying to speak at places like <a href="https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/calls-for-papers/" target="_blank">Sunstone Symposium</a> and the <a href="http://exmormonfoundation.org/conference2014.html" target="_blank">Exmormon Conference</a>. If I'm writing a book about the cognitive structures of free thought, I'll be much more capable of hopping to writing a proposal for a liberal Mormon academic conference. That task is almost unfathomable if I'm working on a novel about fairies in Seattle.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Moreover, it's difficult to justify all the time and effort speaking to exmormons when I'm supposed to be trying to be a novelist. But if I'm a nonfiction writer? The efforts all go hand in hand towards related goals.<br />
<br />
Efficient.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br />
But of course I still love to do sci-fi cons. I'd never give that up. But that's way more easy to justify. I already go to cons for fun. Now I'm just doing it as a panelist. Even more fun! Sure, I won't have any novels to sell, but who cares? I've still got short story readers to reach. Novels would be nice, but not required.<br />
<br />
Lastly, I'm playing to the strengths of my brain. Anyone who knows me personally (or even who follows me on Twitter) knows that once I get started on a topic I'm interested in, I can't shut up. Some writers have word count goals. I don't bother with them, because I know nearly every day I can't help <i>but</i> write 500 or 1,000 words. It's just that.. sometimes those 1,000 words are in an email or on Facebook or in a journal entry.<br />
<br />
This will allow me to ask myself, as I'm typing that 800 word Facebook reply on some topic I'm passionate about – I can pause and ask, "Wouldn't this be better on the blog?" In the past the answer was always, "Yes, but I'm not supposed to be blogging right now. I'm supposed to be working on the novel." I'm hoping in the future, the answer will be, "Yes. I will finish writing this comment and then spend another two hours turning this nice draft into a real piece with a beginning and end so I can stick it on my blog or submit it as a guest article someplace." If my focus is nonfiction, then it's all in a good day's work.<br />
<br />
Overall, nonfiction books is where it's at. A career pivot. Not terrible major in most ways, but pretty huge in a couple of ways. If you're one of the three people excited to read <i>Emerald City Iron</i>, I am deeply, deeply ensaddened.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Input? Thoughts? Please leave them in the comments below!</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-37474059564095312052015-01-08T13:41:00.000-08:002015-01-09T11:54:05.371-08:002014 Accomplishments – 2015 GoalsWow, what a year.<br />
<br />
I struggle to live in the moment, because in most moments, I fail to recognize what I'm accomplishing and what I have accomplished. My wishlist is always much longer than my completed list. So it's important to sit back and take stock, lest my self collapse under the weight of might-have-beens and ought-to-dos.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Of course my biggest accomplishment was <b>publishing </b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LU44P2O/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00LU44P2O&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=VULHGEZYMAJ7VUPP" target="_blank"><b>Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control</b></a></i>. This has been on my bucket list for nearly ten years, and "write a nonfiction book" has been on the bucket list forever. It was the culmination of 15 months of concentrated effort, in addition to the years of research I'd done prior. It's sold over 650 copies, and sales are still steady. Reviews have been overwhelmingly positive, with eighteen 5-star reviews on Amazon, and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/review/RAN3KQTJSVEVZ/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm" target="_blank">a glowing review by Richard Packham</a>, who is a prominent voice in the exmormon community. It's helped hundreds of people. I've been personally told by dozens of people about how it's helped their struggle after leaving Mormonism.<br /><br />So for all my doubts about interrupting my fiction career to veer off in a completely different direction, this is one of those things that I was meant to do. And so I did it.</li>
<li>In the midst of promoting <i>Recovering Agency</i>, I had a few accomplishments that would be worthy of note all on their own:</li>
<ul>
<li><b>I was interviewed on 3 radio shows and podcasts</b>. This is the first time I'd been interviewed, and I found I really enjoyed it.<br /><br /><a href="https://soundcloud.com/triplejsundaynightsafran/richard-king-luna-lindsey-and#t=39:25" target="_blank"><b>Sunday Night Safran</b></a> radio interview. This show is a big deal in Australia.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/logicast/2014/10/31/mormonism-and-brainwashing-a-conversation-with-author-luna-lindsey" target="_blank"><b>Logicast</b></a> podcast interview. One hour wasn't enough.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.womanevolving.org/" target="_blank">Women Evolving</a> podcast interview. (This podcast is recorded and scheduled to launch this year.)</li>
<li>I had multiple guest posts accepted at popular blogs, with much help from my friend <a href="http://1324book.com/wp/" target="_blank">M. Dolon Hickmon</a>, who had the right contacts and also helped me edit the posts up to snuff for these high-caliber publications.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2014/08/the-womans-place-is-on-a-pedestal/" target="_blank"><b>The Woman's Place is on a Pedestal</b></a> at No Longer Quivering, a Patheos blog for ex-members of the Quiverfull movement and other spiritually abusive environments.<br /><br /><a href="http://radsimply.com/guest-post-the-not-so-magical-power-of-mind-control-by-luna-lindsey/" target="_blank"><b>The Not-So-Magical Power of Mind Control</b></a> at Hey Book Lover.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/camelswithhammers/2014/08/a-scientific-measure-of-spiritual-freedom/" target="_blank"><b>A Scientific Measure of Spiritual Freedom</b></a> at Camels with Hammers, a Patheos atheism blog.<br /><br /><a href="http://freethinker.co.uk/2014/09/21/god-is-dead-but-faith-never-will-be/" target="_blank"><b>God is Dead, but Faith Never Will Be</b></a> at Freethinker, a prominent atheism blog and magazine that's been around since 1881.<br /><br /><a href="https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/09/30/its-true-dungeons-dragons-ruins-your-life/" target="_blank"><b>It's True: Dungeons and Dragons Will Ruin Your Life</b></a> at Homeschooler's Anonymous, a blog to help those recovering from abusive homeschooling and religious family environments.</li>
<li><b>I attended the <a href="http://exmormonfoundation.org/conference2014.html" target="_blank">Exmormon Conference</a></b> in Salt Lake City, where I met many wonderful people and made great contacts.<a name='more'></a></li>
</ul>
<li><b>I became an <a href="http://www.sfwa.org/" target="_blank">SFWA</a> Associate member</b> based on my 2013 story, <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/magazine/008-touch-of-tides/" target="_blank">Touch of Tides</a>. This is a very exciting accomplishment to me because I put stock in prestigious professional organizations.</li>
<li><b>I became <a href="http://www.sfcenter.ku.edu/campbell.htm" target="_blank">Campbell</a> eligible for 2013-2014</b>, also based on my 2013 story, Touch of Tides.</li>
<li>I sold another story to The Journal of Unlikely Entomology: <a href="http://www.unlikely-story.com/stories/meltdown-in-freezer-three-by-luna-lindsey/" target="_blank"><b>Meltdown in Freezer Three</b></a>.</li>
<li>I <b>attended <a href="http://www.rainforestwriters.com/" target="_blank">Rainforest Writer's Retreat</a></b> again.</li>
<li><i>Emerald City Dreamer</i> <b>won the <a href="http://www.niwawriters.net/authors/niwa-awards/" target="_blank">NIWA NSQ Award of Excellence</a></b> for 2013.</li>
<li><b>I was a panelist at <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2014/02/radcon-6b-report.html" target="_blank">Radcon 6B</a></b>, for my second year. I really love doing panels.</li>
<li><b>I was accepted as a panelist to <a href="http://www.norwescon.org/2014/04/21/norwescon-38-will-be-april-2-5-2015/" target="_blank">Norwescon 38</a></b>. This has been on my bucket list for 15 years, so I'm really excited.</li>
<li><b>I participated as a speaker in the first <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfWAefKcV-w" target="_blank">DEFCON Unlocked</a></b> videocast to help encourage women and minorities to submit talks to DEFCON.</li>
<li>I was extremely active on social media social justice issues, particularly centered around the Ferguson (aka Black Lives Matter) movement. I also participated in a couple of protests in downtown Seattle.</li>
</ul>
<div>
This was also a year for rejections. I had a much higher ratio of losses to wins, but this might be because I pursued more opportunities. Since these rejections took quite a bit of work, they are worthy of mention. Here are a few of my missed targets:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><b>I wrote a talk for <a href="https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-22/dc-22-index.html" target="_blank">DEFCON 22</a></b>. The whole talk. With outline, slides, and draft of the text. Even though it was rejected, I did win the award for "Most prepared talk." I'm not sure if that was "ever" or "for 2014" but I prefer to think of it as "ever."</li>
<li>I submitted the same talk to <a href="http://www.shmoocon.org/" target="_blank">Shmoocon</a>, where it was also rejected.</li>
<li>I submitted an application to <a href="http://www.launchpadworkshop.org/" target="_blank">Launchpad Astronomy Workshop</a>, which was rejected.</li>
<li>I submitted 26 stories and all but one were rejected. (Two are still out.) Many of these were personal rejections, and as <a href="http://inkhaven.net/" target="_blank">Christie Yant</a> says, that means my writing is good, but now it's just a matter of editors' personal taste. I keep that advice handy when I get discouraged.</li>
</ul>
<div>
Quite a lot of work. So now I'm wondering why last week I felt like I hadn't gotten anything done!</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What are my goals for next year? These are difficult to quantify this time, because I'm reconsidering my direction. So some things that I'd planned, I'm not sure if I have the splines/spoons to pursue them. I'm taking a cold, hard look at how much I've bitten off. But I can at least say I'd like to:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Find confidence and self-worth in my occupation that is not measured in dollar signs and sales figures.</li>
<li>Publish <i>Emerald City Iron</i>.</li>
<li>Speak at Radcon, Norwescon, and one or two other SF/geek cons. (I've already applied to five or six!)</li>
<li>Speak at a Mormon-related conference, such as the Exmormon Conference and/or Sunstone.</li>
<li>More blog posts, particularly on autism, but maybe also on Mormonism, mind control, and atheism-related topics.</li>
<li>Get into Launchpad.</li>
<li>Write and publish more short stories.</li>
<li>Become an SFWA Active member.</li>
<li>Complete another big project: either a draft of the next Dreams by Streetlight book, edit <i>Sun Never Rises</i>, or draft one of the other novel/novella projects I've had in mind.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
Here's to a happy and productive 2015!</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-78917063493644298382015-01-08T11:37:00.000-08:002015-01-08T11:39:08.914-08:002014 Awards Eligible StoriesThis year, I have two stories eligible for the Campbell Award:<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
<b><a href="http://www.unlikely-story.com/stories/meltdown-in-freezer-three-by-luna-lindsey/" target="_blank">Meltdown in Freezer Three</a> </b>came out in the November issue of <a href="http://www.unlikely-story.com/" target="_blank">The Journal of Unlikely Entomology</a>. It's about an autistic woman who runs an ice cream truck business, with the help of her beloved insect service animal, Macy.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This story is also eligible for the Hugo and Nebula awards.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><a href="http://crossedgenres.com/magazine/008-touch-of-tides/" target="_blank">Touch of Tides</a> </b>came out in <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/" target="_blank">Crossed Genres</a> in the August 2013 issue. It's about a scientist studying life under the ice of Jupiter's moon, Europa, and using her inborn synesthesia to make a historic breakthrough discovery.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is my last year of Campbell eligibility. So please read, and thank you for voting!</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-73040912349627937642014-11-27T13:06:00.000-08:002014-11-27T13:07:06.863-08:00What's at Stake: A Letter to My FamilyLast night, I sent an email to my white, predominantly conservative family. My partner, Jocelyn, forwarded it to her white, predominantly conservative family. One of her family members was touched and asked me to post it publicly.<br />
<br />
I realized that it was hypocritical to protest to strangers both online and on the streets of Seattle, while ignoring just a single appeal to my family. I can be just one more sign-holding body in a crowd, but I am more likely to influence those who know me. That thought stuck in my brain until I wrote and sent the email.<br />
<br />
After I wrote this letter, I heard an additional, chilling statistic. Death by police is <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/news/1842489-155/killings-by-utah-police-outpacing-gang" target="_blank">the second leading cause of homicide in the state of Utah</a>, where I was born. In the state where Darrien Hunt was killed for wearing a samurai costume. More citizens are killed by police, than by gang members, drug dealers, and child abusers. What could scream police state more than that?<br />
<br />
<h2 style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<b>SUBJECT: What's at Stake...</b></h2>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I wouldn't normally send a political email to family. But this is personal. I don't need you to agree with me, I don't want you to argue with me. I don't need you to do anything except consider these deeply felt concerns from a member of your family. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Sending this is is a little scary. I'm writing this with shaky hands. But I feel impelled, because this is perhaps the most important cause going on in my lifetime.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
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<br /></div>
<div>
I was raised in a certain political environment, one in which I learned Martin Luther King, Jr. was a communist, an instigator, an anti-American. I was taught that the protests of the Civil Rights Movement were drummed up by communist thugs trying to overthrow our American way of life. I learned all the reasons why the marches and riots of the 60s were unneeded and unjustified.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But I also learned that I had the right to protect my life and property, with force, if needed. That if the state began to infringe on my rights, I should be willing to fight to the death to protect my liberty. I learned about the power of the Bill of Rights, especially the First and Second Amendments. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
At home, <b>I learned that freedom wasn't free. That sometimes, it had to be fought for.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So on Monday, I protested the fact that Darren Wilson will not stand trial for killing a black teenager, Mike Brown, in Ferguson, Mo. I held up traffic. I stood before a line of impatient drivers, held up my hands, and chanted, "Hands up! Don't shoot!" </div>
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<img class="CToWUd a6T" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjD_v7V4wJoOZpJENLDsj7QiOHB5umvmUN5XsiFyaeN89kfszcLD6KIdl-V1QufrX_4H1kj-2vzy016YmrB1WPM5Bl-KDVxw-VAYFb1TygaIW1I5YjKkVKFKCItaoFK8QouXe10T0xj9ppfYRy3kafL2IqCFO8=s0-d-e1-ft" style="margin-right: 0px; outline: 0px;" tabindex="0" width="400" /><br />
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<a name='more'></a>I laid down in the middle of the wet intersection of 4th and Pine, in silence for 4 and a half minutes, in remembrance of the 4.5 hours that Mike lay dead on a Ferguson street before the police moved his body. As I lay there, looking up at the skyscrapers, I listened to the sound of sobbing – sobs from people who were unwilling to believe that Mike Brown deserved to be shot. Sobs of people who can see that he was a human being deserving of life. </div>
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I listened to the sobs of people whose eyes are open to the injustices that happen every day, not just to Mike Brown, but to each black person who is killed every 28 hours by law enforcement, including Tamir Rice, a 12 year old, who just this week was shot in the stomach for playing with a gun that shoots plastic pellets. </div>
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And the double-injustice of police who are protected from accountability, so long as their victims "deserved it." </div>
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And the triple injustice of black people who rightly fear this could happen to them. This is a fear that none of us with white skin ever have to consider.</div>
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I listened to the sobs of Roland and the sobs of our daughter Betsey as they embraced in the middle of the street. You see, they are both black. Roland whispered into Betsey's ear: "Now you promise me you'll do everything I have ever told you around police. Promise me." He is trying to save her life. </div>
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While I was learning childhood lessons that I should rise up in arms against a tyrannical police state, black children everywhere learn that they must always, always, say, "Yes, sir, no sir," no matter how unfairly they are treated by police or the government, no matter how long they suffer under constant oppression.</div>
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The risk of death-by-officer is not an imaginary, trumped up fantasy that black people whine about because they have chips on their shoulders. I said <b>1 black person is killed by police every 28 hours</b>. (<a href="http://www.occupy.com/article/black-man-killed-us-every-28-hours-police" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.occupy.com/<wbr></wbr>article/black-man-killed-us-<wbr></wbr>every-28-hours-police</a> and <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/14/police-killings-data/14060357/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.usatoday.com/story/<wbr></wbr>news/nation/2014/08/14/police-<wbr></wbr>killings-data/14060357/</a>and <a href="http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-many-americans-the-police-kill-each-year/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://fivethirtyeight.com/<wbr></wbr>features/how-many-americans-<wbr></wbr>the-police-kill-each-year/</a>) </div>
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That doesn't begin to count the number of non-fatal beatings, unjustified arrests, and false imprisonments. (More links:<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/06/04/the-blackwhite-marijuana-arrest-gap-in-nine-charts/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.washingtonpost.com/<wbr></wbr>blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/06/04/<wbr></wbr>the-blackwhite-marijuana-<wbr></wbr>arrest-gap-in-nine-charts/</a> and<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/22/ferguson-black-america_n_5694364.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/<wbr></wbr>2014/08/22/ferguson-black-<wbr></wbr>america_n_5694364.html</a> and <a href="http://www.blackvoicenews.com/news/news-wire/48803-blacks-are-still-majority-of-the-wrongfully-convicted.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.blackvoicenews.com/<wbr></wbr>news/news-wire/48803-blacks-<wbr></wbr>are-still-majority-of-the-<wbr></wbr>wrongfully-convicted.html</a>) </div>
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These actions are excused by police, the media, and by society through dehumanizing, demeaning, and dismissing African-Americans, the majority of whom are upstanding, hard-working, kind, compassionate, good people. Because of these excuses, law enforcement is rarely held accountable for the abuse of their power.</div>
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<b>If this is not the kind of police state I was raised to abhor, I'm not sure what is.</b></div>
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So Monday night, I stood within earshot of police officers and shouted, "F*ck the police!" (Pardon the profanity, but it pales in comparison to the offenses the state is committing against citizens of this great nation.) I knew it wasn't <i>their</i> fault, those Seattle officers who did a fine job routing traffic around us. Most officers work hard, and many of them are good people who risk their lives to protect all equally.</div>
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But too many police officers are not held accountable for their abuse of state power. Do we truly believe that there are capital offenses where an officer should be the judge, jury, and executioner? </div>
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All this time spent debating whether Mike Brown had robbed a convenience store that day.. does it matter? Do we really believe that justifies his murder? We debate whether Mike Brown smoked pot. Does it matter? Is that a capital offense now? We debate whether he tried to kill Darren Wilson.. even though Mike Brown died, unarmed, 135 feet away from Wilson, because he had already been shot. He was running for his life.</div>
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Here is what I would like you to consider.. not be convinced, but just.. consider. Consider whether we should be talking about whether each black person killed every 28 hours deserves to be killed. Ask whether Tamir Rice, 12 years old, should have been killed for playing with a toy gun. Ask whether Darrien Hunt, a teen dressed in a costume with a fake sword, on his way to a comics convention (something I have done) should have been gunned down by police. Ask if that's okay with you. Set aside your attempts to excuse this for one second and ask if that's okay.</div>
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Since the death of Mike Brown in August, 14 black teenagers have been executed by police. Here is a list of their names, and who they were: <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/11/25/the-14-teens-killed-by-cops-since-michael-brown.html" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.thedailybeast.com/<wbr></wbr>articles/2014/11/25/the-14-<wbr></wbr>teens-killed-by-cops-since-<wbr></wbr>michael-brown.html</a> </div>
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I want you to reflect. Are you okay with supporting a government that allows this? </div>
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I am not okay <i>at all</i>. It flies in the face of everything I've been taught. And because it is not okay, I have been protesting. I will protest again on Friday. I intend to interrupt shoppers on Black Friday, to tangle up traffic in Seattle on the busiest shopping day of the year. And if it comes to it, I am willing to be tear gassed, arrested, and even shot, over this issue. </div>
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Because I am not free if my fellow citizens live in fear of the state. I have no rights if my children risk their lives for the crime of being black in America. I am not free if those abusing state power are not brought to justice, if those wearing government uniforms are not turned over to due process to stand trial for a crime that robbed an American citizen of his most important right: <b><u>His right to life.</u></b></div>
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And this is just the grossest of the injustices, which are too numerous to list in one email, that the people of Ferguson, indeed, citizens all over America, have endured for their entire lives. </div>
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These protests and riots did not happen in a vacuum. </div>
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As you hear these news stories of protests, riots, and burning buildings, ask yourself what you might do if these were white kids being gunned down by unaccountable representatives of the state? Before snapping to a judgement, just let this question linger. Think of the names of your sons and daughters. Imagine they have been killed, and now the police and news media are putting <i>your child</i> on trial. They are smearing your family's name, in order to make the killing seem fair and right. And your child is not the first. The cries of parents have gone unheard for years.</div>
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If you are willing to bring out the guns to fight tyranny, but you judge these people harshly for doing the same, then ask yourself why. Ask yourself what is really the difference between your children, and theirs? </div>
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Take a moment to consider the words of Christ on this matter: Judge not that ye be therefore judged. If ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me. Love thy enemy as thyself. </div>
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I'd ask you to consider one more thing: Stop thinking of black people as thugs. Stop thinking of black communities as crime-ridden neighborhoods where they feed upon their own. Stop thinking of them as useless welfare recipients, moochers off the state. Stop thinking of them as people with no sense of family values. Stop thinking of them as gang-bangers who are looking for trouble. These, and other pre-judgements, are dehumanizing. They are racist. They lead to snap judgements. </div>
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These lines of reasoning have allowed our society to get to this point, because we're encouraged to think that African-Americans deserve whatever is coming to them. It leads to false assumptions about <i>why</i> these problems plague black neighborhoods. There are alternative explanations. Those explanations are just a Google click away, if you're willing to actually <i>listen</i> to the perspectives of those who have walked in those shoes.</div>
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As I lay in the intersection, looking up at the helicopters, Roland turned and asked me, "Luna.. how did you get here?" He meant, given my background, how did I end up on this side of the fence, being an activist for social justice causes, defying the law and disrupting traffic? </div>
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I hope this email gives some kind of inkling as to the answer. My principles haven't really changed. I've just changed who I am willing to apply them to. I have changed what I know of the world. I have stopped thinking of myself as oppressed, and discovered that there are those far more oppressed than I. I no longer fret over taxes and zoning laws. I fret over the lives of my fellow citizens who are treated differently for the color of their skin. I fret over Roland, and his brothers and sisters. I fret over my children.</div>
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Some of you may be tempted to argue with me. I probably will not reply. Not only have I heard it all, I was once like you – I've thought it all, and I've written it all myself. I just needed to take this one chance to tell you what's at stake.</div>
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Thanks for reading,</div>
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With Love, </div>
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Luna</div>
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Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-80913856475718695862014-11-26T13:28:00.000-08:002014-11-26T13:28:08.904-08:00A Moment of SilenceI was not planning to make a Thanksgiving gratitude post. My thoughts of thankfulness this year are summed up <a href="http://amptoons.com/blog/files/mcintosh.html" target="_blank">here</a>. And I am thankful that my children are alive.<br />
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Now, a moment of silence.<br />
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Donate to the <a href="http://www.ferguson.lib.mo.us/" target="_blank">Ferguson Public Library</a>.<br />
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Donate to the <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/ferguson-defense-fund" target="_blank">Ferguson Defense Fund</a>.<br />
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Donate to <a href="http://saint-stephens.info/collaboration/our-community-the-vine/food-pantry/" target="_blank">Saint Stephen’s Food Bank</a>.<br />
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<br />Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-77335257028122408482014-10-22T18:44:00.000-07:002014-11-10T14:05:25.660-08:00Double-Standards: The Irony of Empathy and Autism<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/crux/files/2012/02/shutterstock_52734865.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/crux/files/2012/02/shutterstock_52734865.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From <a href="http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/crux/2012/02/07/i-robopsychologist-part-1-why-robots-need-psychologists/#.VEhSNyldVPw" target="_blank">I, Robopsychologist</a> in Discover Magazine</td></tr>
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I sat on the bed across from my partner, tears in my eyes as I prepared to share with him an insight I'd had at therapy that day. I felt incredibly vulnerable, ready to open up this secret part of me I'd kept defensively hidden, even from myself, for many years.</div>
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That afternoon, I had become aware that my aloof exterior obfuscated a deep well of emotion and caring. I had blocked myself off from what would otherwise consume me. I'd learned as a child that if I thought about anyone's pain, I'd fall into the vortex. I'd lose myself in a trippy, altered state of consciousness, and not in a good way. </div>
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For example, I once accidentally saw a short video about the maltreatment of animals in the Chinese fur trade, and I couldn't get the horrible feeling or the images out of my head for months. The experience came unbidden, and I couldn't stop imagining what it was like to <i>be</i> those animals. When this inadvertent exposure happens, my only defense is to keep trying to forget, to try to switch off all feeling, to stop caring about <i>anyone</i>. Even as I write these words, I'm fighting off the flood. The result is a hardened exterior, an unfeeling facade, a sort of clinical detachment that I apply to any expression of pain. </div>
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So when I had this insight, I was eager to share it with my partner, who always thought I'd been too distant, too cold. Who had encouraged me to try to open up more, to feel more empathy for others. </div>
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I opened my mouth to speak…<br />
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But first, he wanted to share his own insight he'd had that same day. With all the sincerity and loving care he could muster, with the best intentions, he said the most hurtful possible thing he could have:</div>
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"I've come to accept that you're just an uncaring person. Feelings for others just don't come naturally to you. I acknowledge that about you. I love you anyway."</div>
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I tried to explain. I tried to argue. But he interrupted, insisting. He simply would not hear me out. I'm sure he was trying to soothe my feelings, to argue against what he thought was my own defensiveness and lack of self-acceptance.</div>
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But in so doing, he couldn't really hear me. He loved and accepted someone else in that moment. Not me. Who I really was, was being ignored, erased, written over with yet another misunderstood Luna.</div>
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All my life I've been misunderstood, even by those closest to me. It's something I've gotten used to, and something I didn't understand until my Asperger's diagnosis last year. </div>
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I can't get over the irony or the pain of that moment. Nor can I get over the irony and pain I feel when I see this scene enacted over and over in my own life and in the lives of other autists.</div>
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And so a post on empathy. And on being misunderstood. Because it's really all about the same thing.</div>
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<b>The Mechanics of Empathy</b></h2>
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Autists supposedly don't feel empathy, or perhaps much of anything, and this assumption comes with moral implications. We see it in popular portrays of autism in entertainment. In the news, anytime there's a school shooting, the mental health speculations begin. "Oh, maybe he had Asperger's. They don't feel any empathy, so maybe that's why he did it!" To this day, "lack of empathy" is phrased in different ways on diagnostic lists, an echo from ancient diagnostic criteria for Asperger's, which have long since been clarified and rewritten as "deficits in social or emotional reciprocity," which is more accurate, but still lacking in some ways. </div>
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This (and several other faulty criteria) is one reason why I went undiagnosed for so many years.</div>
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It's a dangerous belief that persists in spite of the truth. It dehumanizes autstists, and ironically, gives allists (non-autistics) a get-out-of-empathy-free card. It contributes to greater misunderstandings, bullying, and maltreatment from a supposedly moral and caring society.</div>
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In order to understand autistic empathy, we have to understand empathy in general. It's something scientists spend plenty of time studying, so this is something we can know.</div>
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First of all, empathy requires the ability to perceive what someone else is feeling. This isn't a psychic phenomenon. It's a type of emotional communication that requires a sender and a receiver who are both conversant in the same languages. It involves the ability to physically perceive body language, to interpret tone of voice, context and subtext, as well as literal meaning of words. </div>
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If the receiver gets the emotional message, then she may feel empathy for the pain the sender feels. Then the empathy must be communicated. She must know how to react in a way that the sender can understand.</div>
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So three parts: </div>
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<li class="li3">Understand something is wrong</li>
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For a person with autism, there are many things that can go wrong in this chain of events. Being able to "feel empathy" is only one of the many things that can break down.</div>
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<b>Autism Factors in Expression of Empathy</b></h2>
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We already know that autists often have difficulty understanding facial expressions, tone, and body language. So right there, that's an issue. Very often, an autist may not even understand that the other person is in pain.</div>
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<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia" target="_blank">Alexithymia</a> is an issue for many (but not all) autists — that's an impairment in the ability to know what you are feeling. You still <i>feel</i> it, but can't translate it into meaning.</div>
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There are other emotional factors as well, such as chronic depression and anxiety.</div>
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We also know that autists, even verbal "high functioning" autists have a hard time expressing themselves. This is compounded under stress, which can increase in the kinds of situations where empathy is required. The stress goes up even higher if, based on past experience, the autist is afraid of screwing up.</div>
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Sensory issues compound all these already-complicated factors. Arguably, all autsits have issues processing sensory information. Sound, touch, light, emotion, spatial awareness, and more, are all subject to confusion.</div>
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As Olga Bogdashina describes in her book, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1843102676/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1843102676&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=BA6XKHW5JBY3EBAA" target="_blank">Communication Issues in Autism and Asperger Syndrome</a>," autists can be hyper- or hyposensors. We can over-sense, and we can under-sense, depending on the person, the sensation, the situation, and dozens of other elements. It leads to problems like I have with hearing. I can hear tiny sound across the house that keep me awake at night, but have to cup my hands around my ears to listen to a friend in a restaurant.</div>
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So imagine if I'm stressed out trying hard to process a conversation over the noise of cafe chatter, which is taking most of my concentration and causing me some anxiety. On top of that, I've got to interpret your tone and body language. This alone can pretty much max me out. If I have any processing power left to feel empathy, will I have the wherewithal to react empathetically? </div>
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Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.</div>
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Sensory processing can cause problems with understanding facial expressions, too. Autists often avoid making eye contact because the sensory cost of doing so is far too intense. These autists are missing information for determining the moods of others. One aspie I know describes the feeling of eye contact as if someone were touching him all over. He can't concentrate and he feels violated. </div>
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Bogdashina describes a sensory processing phenomenon where parts of a face detach and can't be seen as a whole face. The nose becomes a separate object from the mouth, and the eyes seem unconnected to one another. This would make interpreting body language impossible. </div>
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Emotions themselves are sensations. Some have speculated that alexithymia and other hyposensory issues might be the result of sensory overwhelm, as <a href="https://medium.com/matter-archive/the-boy-whose-brain-could-unlock-autism-70c3d64ff221" target="_blank">Kamil and Henry Markham</a> point out in their <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/article419.html" target="_blank">Intense World Theory</a>. As a defense against an onslaught of loud music and emotions ramped up to 11, autists might simply shut out the world. The fuse blows, the circuits are tripped, the system powers off. This seems to happen particularly in a temporary condition some autists get called a "shutdown." Like a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/autismdiscussionpage/posts/496313900448115" target="_blank">meltdown</a>, it happens in response to overstimulation, but instead of creating an uncontrollable emotional reaction, it results in the <a href="http://notesoncrazy.com/2014/10/turning-off/" target="_blank">senses completely turning off</a> — no more feelings, and sometimes no more sound, sights, or ability to speak or move.</div>
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If feelings can become overwhelming, then empathy, as a feeling, can too. This suggests that many autists have the opposite problem from the one we're infamous for. We may be feeling too much empathy, so, like a hand shading our eyes from a bright sunset, we block it out. "Seventh Voice" <a href="http://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/" target="_blank">describes this phenomenon in more detail</a>.</div>
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Assuming we manage to get all that processed and don't clamp down from the overwhelm, we've got to communicate the empathy we feel to people who might not interpret it the way we intend. Here's a heartwarming piece <a href="http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/a-conversation-about-autism-and-empathy-with-andrew-solomon/" target="_blank">about a mother who was able to read her daughter's nonverbal</a> form of helping, because she was paying attention and learning her daughter's autistic language. </div>
<h2>
<b>Fight or Flight or Freeze or Appease</b></h2>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.discoverwildlife.com/sites/default/files/images/bbc_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.discoverwildlife.com/sites/default/files/images/bbc_1.jpg" height="175" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gazelle got no time for empathy.<br />
via discoverwildlife.com</td></tr>
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We also know that autists are <a href="http://emmashopebook.com/2013/06/25/trauma-autism/" target="_blank">more prone to suffer PTSD</a>. This is likely due to the sensory processing issues, and the fact that for some of us, physical and emotional pain hurts us more than it hurts a neurotypical. We are more likely to generalize PTSD triggers as well, and <a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2012/04/24/why-autistic-children-are-bullied-more/" target="_blank">we are definitely more likely to be bullied</a>. This is all in need of further study, but it's clear that most autists will be dealing with these factors.</div>
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Any human being, when triggered by PTSD, is put into an extreme fear state. The higher functions of the brain shut down, and the body and mind go into complete focus on self-preservation. There is no logic in this state, there is no reasoning, and for some autists, there aren't even words because even verbal autists may become non-verbal when triggered.</div>
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If an autist is triggered by trauma, or in a constant state of sensory overwhelm to the point of pain, there will be no mental resources left to think about the pain of another person. Survival instincts come first. It's just the way the human mind works.</div>
<h2>
<b>The "Experience" Angle of Empathy</b></h2>
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<a href="http://favim.com/orig/201107/15/autumn-cool-old-photography-shoes-Favim.com-106299.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://favim.com/orig/201107/15/autumn-cool-old-photography-shoes-Favim.com-106299.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
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Experience plays a huge role in how all human beings experience empathy. Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience, Warren H. Meck, says, "<a href="http://io9.com/how-could-we-engineer-humans-to-have-more-empathy-514480050" target="_blank">To be empathic towards others you have to have something in common with them.</a>"</div>
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You can only feel empathy when you know what it's like to be in the other person's shoes. Empathy is tied to the ability to realize how much you are like another person and to have some level of experiential understanding of what they are going through. We literally can only be empathetic to people we relate to. </div>
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fMRI studies show what's called the <a href="http://www-personal.umich.edu/~prestos/Downloads/Preston2007_MI.pdf%20and%20http://io9.com/how-could-we-engineer-humans-to-have-more-empathy-514480050" target="_blank">perception-action model of empathy</a>, that when we truly know what something feels like, it activates a different region of the brain than when we are struggling to imagine. One is felt, the other is thought.</div>
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This creates massive cultural divides. As <a href="http://www.timwise.org/2012/03/trayvon-martin-white-denial-and-the-unacceptable-burden-of-blackness-in-america/" target="_blank">writer Tim Wise puts it</a>, "Empathy — real empathy, not the situational and utterly phony kind that most any of us can muster when social convention calls for it — requires that one be able to place oneself in the shoes of another, and to consider the world as they must consider it. It requires that we be able to suspend our own culturally-ingrained disbelief long enough to explore the possibility that perhaps the world doesn't work as we would have it, but rather as others have long insisted it did."</div>
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Researchers study what they call ethnocultural empathy. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethnocultural_empathy" target="_blank">According to Wikipedia</a>, "…increasing research found that people usually hold different levels of empathy toward different individuals based on perceived psychological similarity." </div>
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It makes sense that it is easier for us to empathize with people from our own culture, because we have walked similar paths. It is much more difficult to understand people with whom we have no common experiential dialect. At least, until we are exposed to the narratives from that culture — stories, movies, personal interactions, that put us, temporarily, in their shoes through a process called "experience taking." Simply reading fictional stories about people from other walks of life <a href="http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/novel-finding-reading-literary-fiction-improves-empathy/%20and%20http://www.scienceandreligiontoday.com/2012/05/11/can-experience-taking-while-reading-increase-our-empathy/" target="_blank">is enough to boost empathy</a>. </div>
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Dehumanization is the wicked, jagged edge of this double-edged sword. It is the act of "othering," of tearing down the ability to feel empathy for an individual or a group of people by focusing on how different they are, so they can be mistreated without a single shred of guilt.</div>
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This is all related to "<a href="http://womanwithaspergers.wordpress.com/2011/07/25/the-empathy-question-revisited-theory-of-mind-culture-and-understanding/" target="_blank">dominant culture arrogance</a>," coined by Nicole Nicholson in her blog, Woman With Aspergers, to describe the idea that the right way to do things is morally right because the dominant culture says so. </div>
<h2>
<b>Is Autism a Different Culture?</b></h2>
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<a href="http://llero.net/images/stories/Culture/Culture-2012/Culture_Clash-Eggs-Accord.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://llero.net/images/stories/Culture/Culture-2012/Culture_Clash-Eggs-Accord.jpg" height="264" width="320" /></a></div>
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I think so. We are raised in the same culture as allists, but our fundamental wiring is significantly different. We process senses and memories differently, we learn language differently, and we experience the world differently. So while we're all using the same words and growing up with the same social norms, we're viewing them through a different lens.</div>
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Many autists describe themselves as feeling like aliens, forced to live on this inhospitable planet with "normal" humans who will never understand them. It's where the name for the popular autism site, <a href="http://wrongplanet.net/">WrongPlanet.net</a>, comes from. The communication difficulties between allist and autist cultures are very similar to those experienced by people from differing countries.</div>
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It seems pretty obvious to me the effect this would have on mutual empathy, yet for some reason, it's not obvious to those in the "dominant culture" who are in a position to judge our supposed "lack of empathy." They view it a symptom inherent to the "disease" of autism. </div>
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Autists simply don't know what it's like to be an allist. We think differently, speak different languages (using the same words), and we care about different things. I pretended to be an allist all my life, and I've passed most of the time, and yet I still don't know what it's like to walk in an allist's shoes. This may be why I struggle to empathize with people who stress about sports teams, fall fashions, or dinner etiquette. I can <i>sympathize</i>, I can try to imagine, I can try to remember what it's like to be stressed about something <i>I</i> care about, but I will never know what it's like to care about a losing sports team.</div>
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Just like allists don't easily understand why I need to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimming" target="_blank">stim</a>, why it's important that certain of my routines never be interrupted, why I meltdown, or why I care so goddamn much about spiders. And most allists will never understand what it's like to be regularly misunderstood by virtually everyone.</div>
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These cultural differences don't prevent me, however, from deeply empathizing with someone in physical pain, someone who has lost a loved one, someone who is suffering from poor health. I've experienced these problems, or something close enough, to understand why it's important. Yet the lack of one type of empathy (say, sadness over ruined wedding plans) does not equate to a lack of <i>all</i> empathy.</div>
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Allists have just as much of a struggle to empathize with autists for exactly the same reasons. Our needs and feelings are incomprehensible to those outside our "culture." But for some reason, the responsibility to learn empathy lies on <i>us</i>, even thought it arguably is more challenging for us because of all the sensory processing, PTSD, anxiety, and verbal issues. </div>
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If allists are so socially capable, then why don't they put in the extra effort to learn our language, to feel <i>our</i> pain?</div>
<h2>
<b>Dehumanization of Autists</b></h2>
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<a href="http://www.glamour.com/images/fashion/2012/12/mannequins-main.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.glamour.com/images/fashion/2012/12/mannequins-main.jpg" height="320" width="241" /></a></div>
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The way autism is handled by just about everyone (researchers, medical and mental health professionals, teachers, families, the media) is very divisive and problematic, and, ironically, leads to a destruction of empathy.</div>
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Dehumanization destroys empathy by creating divisions and making groups of people seem more different than they actually are. The shoes we might otherwise be walking in are torn off our feet.</div>
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The military dehumanizes the enemy when they train soldiers to shoot on command. It's what religions do when they demonize anyone outside their faith, and why members of some religions can literally blow themselves up in efforts to destroy innocent civilians — because they're not really people.</div>
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When news media speculates on how the latest shooter had Asperger's, it removes society's ability to understand people with autism. And when this comes alongside moral judgement, it also removes society's <i>responsibility</i> to be empathetic. The obligation of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reciprocity_(social_psychology)" target="_blank">reciprocity</a> is removed. Allists don't have to feel personally responsible for the plight of fellow humans who are suffering in their midst.</div>
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I am frustrated when I see this happening in research methodology and the conclusions they reach. For instance, one line of thinking has concluded that there are two classes of empathy, cognitive and emotional empathy. "Normal" people of course have both kinds of empathy, and autists only have emotional empathy, which is sort of like a lesser version of empathy, not "real" empathy. As <a href="http://theinvisiblestrings.com/inventing-empathy-autism-spectrum-empathy-types/" target="_blank">M Kelter points out</a>, this turns autistic empathy into some kind of fake empathy, as if we're not really human, or some other class of human.</div>
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Allist researchers don't stop to think that maybe we're people, and that maybe we act the way we do for good reasons, and that maybe they could just <i>ask</i> us about our "mysterious" behavior before developing studies to delve deeper. Yes, quantitative studies are needed to weed out biases and poor data, but when these studies are based on faulty assumptions in the first place, the output will be faulty.</div>
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It's clear from a majority of studies that researchers never did the initial legwork of treating us like human beings who have mouths and can communicate. Much of the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ariane-zurcher/autism-theory_b_1594706.html" target="_blank">Theory of Mind</a> research is a good example of this, as are most of the autism diagnostic and trait lists, especially prior to the last decade or so. This approach seems to treat autism in terms of how it is a problem for caregivers, and does not, instead, consider how autism affects us, the actual autistics.</div>
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Imagine if we treated heart disease this way; if the list of symptoms for a heart attack were framed in terms of how the patient were a burden on those around him:</div>
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<li class="li3">Patient clutches chest even though nothing is there</li>
<li class="li3">Patient gasps even though there is plenty of air in the room</li>
<li class="li3">Patient makes loud nonsensical non-communicative noises, disturbing those around him</li>
<li class="li3">Patient falls down without a care for the needs of others present</li>
<li class="li3">Patient leaves his dead body on the floor as a tripping hazard, with no consideration for public safety</li>
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Would it be any surprise then, if after decades of research, no one could figure out the root cause of heart attacks? Would it be a surprise if standard treatments of, "Yell at the patient until he understands how to be kind to others," and "Force patient to remain standing and to breathe normally," don't really work?</div>
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Such treatments would be considered highly inhumane and <i>unempathetic</i>. </div>
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Quite frankly, I find much of the common wisdom and current understanding and treatments for autism to be highly unempathetic, precisely because this is the still approach taken.</div>
<h2>
<b>The Pain of Being Misunderstood</b></h2>
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<a href="http://www.mychildwithoutlimits.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Autism1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.mychildwithoutlimits.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Autism1.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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I spent most of my life not knowing about autism or that I was on the spectrum. Once I started learning, the floodgates opened. My own empathy for other autists flows easily and very deeply. </div>
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I am an exceptionally verbal person who can socially pass as neurotypical, and I am mostly functional. Yet I relate strongly even with non-verbal autists, who don't seem to share much in common with me. What <i>do</i> we have in common?</div>
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Autists seem so very, very different from one another. They say that once you've met one person with Asperger's, you've only met one person with Asperger's. Externally, autists seem incredibly diverse, struggling with very different kinds of problems.</div>
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Yet when I watch movies and read about non-verbal autists, I feel like I <i>know</i> them. These are my people. I instinctively understand all their unusual behaviors, even behaviors I don't do myself. </div>
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The first time I watched this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xoYwLNpvw" target="_blank">video about Carly Flieshman</a>, before I suspected I was autistic, I cried. Her story broke through my hardened, defensive exterior like a wrecking ball. I felt somehow as if I had walked in her shoes, as if I had lived her experience, even though her life is nothing like mine. Her traits are nothing like mine. But somehow I had some inkling of what it was like to <i>be</i> her.</div>
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I also strongly empathized with all the autists represented in the documentary <a href="http://www.wretchesandjabberers.org/" target="_blank">Jabbers and Wretches</a>. While watching this film, I realized the one single thing that all autistic people have in common: </div>
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<b>We are all misunderstood.</b></div>
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And we are misunderstood for all the same reasons. No matter how verbal we are, we have struggled our whole lives to communicate. Not just because we have various levels of ability to speak the allist language, but also because our very <i>state of existence</i> is misunderstood. Few allists will relate to a persistent struggle with itchy clothing, lights too bright, sounds too loud, input too confusing, emotions amped up too high, when everyone else around us is just fine with the brightness, the sounds, the social inputs, and the emotions.</div>
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Our behaviors are misattributed. Our good intentions are misread. We always seem to be missing the mark, not measuring up, and not fitting in.</div>
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No matter where you fall on the spectrum, you know how frustrating it is to get the world to simply understand. I can speak just fine, but I can easily imagine the horror of not being able to. And the nightmare of people assuming stupidity because of it. How heart-wrenching! Their misfortune could have easily been mine. And sometimes it is, in spite of my skill with words.</div>
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<b>Autists Struggle with Empathy? Or Humans Struggle with Empathy?</b></h2>
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<a href="http://l.yimg.com/ea/img/-/130412/give_take_18mercp-18merdg.jpg?x=450&q=80&n=1&sig=LaO_xC0IUU_F7ext7YiANw--" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/ea/img/-/130412/give_take_18mercp-18merdg.jpg?x=450&q=80&n=1&sig=LaO_xC0IUU_F7ext7YiANw--" height="241" width="320" /></a></div>
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What puzzles me is why we autists are the ones with empathy problems. But allists have the privilege of being the "normal" ones who get to make the judgment call. In our case, lack of empathy is a pathology. In their case it's a perfectly understandable reaction because it's ok to treat freaks without compassion. </div>
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Yet we were the ones kept in cruel and unsanitary institutions for centuries, and who are currently undergoing questionable treatments that ignore our pain and deny our humanity. </div>
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So who really lacks empathy? Why must the burden of learning empathy for the "other culture" fall on autists? Shouldn't the heavy lifting fall to those who are supposedly better at it?</div>
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Allists demand empathy. We just want some empathy in return. Yes, allist caregivers are frustrated with the one autistc in their life who cannot reciprocate… well imagine if <i>no one</i> around you could empathize with you? How lonely would that be? </div>
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That's the experience of a person with autism. That's what it's like to be in these shoes.</div>
<h2>
<b>The Golden Rule Sucks and Here's Why</b></h2>
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<a href="http://thisthatnhealth.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/k-af6c562b1987a102.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://thisthatnhealth.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/k-af6c562b1987a102.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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I'd suggest that many of these problems boil down to a saying we all learned in kindergarten. It is a phrase designed to teach children empathy, but, in fact, it impairs empathy: </div>
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<b>"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." </b></div>
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This one statement has some pretty serious flaws. <i>It presumes everyone is the same.</i> It presumes everyone wants the same things. And if you don't want the same thing, then you're abnormal. You're malfunctioning in some way that must be set right.</div>
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The Golden Rule causes us to make assumptions about what other people want based on our own needs. So when we give someone these things, and they reject it, we personally feel rejected. The defensive reaction is to blame them. After all, you were doing the morally right thing that you learned in kindergarten. You're a good person, so they must be the bad one.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYmR1VXFPsajqtkju6bTgDRixw_17aM-diI2NMktCA4GrQdkkNbwuMJmC9Gxys5MQdNCaNCvN0EO4R13gg5NT6_JTUnX9z-Tx5ueo3_mMJL8JBtMJHDLXrynzyd5u8vBkDNaLIB7nFNmk/s1600/Misunderstood-Shark+Cage.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYmR1VXFPsajqtkju6bTgDRixw_17aM-diI2NMktCA4GrQdkkNbwuMJmC9Gxys5MQdNCaNCvN0EO4R13gg5NT6_JTUnX9z-Tx5ueo3_mMJL8JBtMJHDLXrynzyd5u8vBkDNaLIB7nFNmk/s1600/Misunderstood-Shark+Cage.PNG" height="202" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shark's just following the Golden Rule!</td></tr>
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There is no room in this phrase for constructive feedback or the collecting information to correct the method of giving. We don't learn to ask people questions about their different experiences and what they need. There is no room for active "experience taking" that leads to greater understanding and empathy.</div>
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The Golden Rule instills in all human beings the assumption that we ought to just know what others are feeling. But sometimes, no matter how socially capable we are, we have to ask. This goes for neurotypicals as well. Assuming that others need what <i>we</i> need, though well-intentioned, is literally self-centered. Not other-centered. We are interpreting others as if they are us.</div>
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Remember the full cycle of reciprocating empathy? Know what someone is feeling, feel it, and react appropriately. The golden-rule assumption causes these steps to break down.</div>
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The Golden Rule may be partly at the root of reinforcing the ignorance that surrounds <a href="https://sindeloke.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/37/" target="_blank">all types of privilege</a>. The subconscious logic goes like this:</div>
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"I'm <i>normal</i>, and I want X. Now you're telling me you want Y. That makes no sense, because everyone already has Y. They all have Y because I have Y! And I'm a nice person — I learned to be a nice person in kindergarden — and you're telling me I'm not a nice person because I won't give you Y, but you have Y! Everyone has Y! You must really want X, the way I want X. So I'll give you X. </div>
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"But now you say you don't want X. The only reason you would be acting that way is if you're irrational. You're crazy. You're stupid. You have a chip on your shoulder. You're angry for no reason. You have a disorder and need to be cured." </div>
<div class="p1">
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<div class="p2">
If you're a person who wants something different from "normal," you must be <i>inferior</i>. And we come back around to othering and dehumanization.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
In the case of autism, maybe X is the neurotypical need to be touched. Y is not wanting to be touched because of sensory overwhelm. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
Or Y can be extra time to take tests, or the ability to avoid eye contact without overt pressure, or the ability to stim freely without being mocked or punished, or the need to take extra breaks, or sometimes just the chance to be taken seriously, a very important privilege many neurotypicals take for granted. </div>
<h2>
<b>The Platinum Rule Leads to Greater Empathy for Everyone</b></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="p1">
A small change to The Golden Rule would fix everything. I invented this on my own, and called it the Platinum Rule, only to discover that <a href="http://www.alessandra.com/abouttony/aboutpr.asp">someone else had beat me to it</a>:</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<b>"Do unto others as <i>they</i> would have you do," </b>or<b> "Treat others as they want to be treated."</b></div>
<div class="p1">
<b></b><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
There are no faulty assumptions in this rule. It destroys the presumption that we're all the same. In order to follow it, you must really <i>listen</i> to others. The act of listening itself can be very healing and trust-building. It is a skill that can be difficult for any type of mind to learn, allist <i>or</i> autist. The art of active listening and validation are key ingredients to skillful empathy that rarely comes naturally to anyone.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
If we're taught to treat everyone the way they want to be treated, our first question would be, "How do you want to be treated?" And in that, we constantly practice experience taking, and therefore, gain greater capacity for empathy.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
In an alternate world, where this is taught in kindergarten, you would have to try to understand others to be a good person. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
And isn't that what we all want? To be understood?</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-66818277853576319742014-08-14T20:05:00.000-07:002014-08-15T14:15:37.313-07:00DEFCON 22: The Con That Keeps on Giving<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Load up this soundtrack while reading this blog post: <a href="http://somafm.com/defcon/%5D">http://somafm.com/defcon/</a> I'll wait.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkq_SbczRAvrIxwgbwlKqk4096JzYa0qsg6PwXS961Npkefv9pkWyp1F-ywhVTtVqmXqydZYECmxsZ4YG0_CpgZufNvYtp1uiixMftuZHVGzkUkJZS9SNDtIRukvgz93MLve0JntEdgqM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-08-14+at+3.39.01+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkq_SbczRAvrIxwgbwlKqk4096JzYa0qsg6PwXS961Npkefv9pkWyp1F-ywhVTtVqmXqydZYECmxsZ4YG0_CpgZufNvYtp1uiixMftuZHVGzkUkJZS9SNDtIRukvgz93MLve0JntEdgqM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-08-14+at+3.39.01+PM.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alice in Hackerland by Tess Schrodiner<br />
Winning artwork for DEFCON 22</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3>
Redefining The Experience</h3>
<div class="p1">
I began my seventh <a href="https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-22/dc-22-index.html" target="_blank">DEFCON</a> looking for a way to give back.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
There's only one other con I hold in as high esteem, and that's my hometown science fiction convention, <a href="http://www.radcon.org/" target="_blank">RadCon</a> (this year was my <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2014/02/radcon-6b-report.html" target="_blank">18th RadCon</a>). Over the years, I've been to dozens of other cons, some regularly (like <a href="http://prime.paxsite.com/" target="_blank">PAX Prime</a> and <a href="http://www.norwescon.org/" target="_blank">Norwescon</a>), but if I miss them, no big deal. DEFCON is a pillar of my year, drilled 100ft into the earth and rising up to the clouds, and it would take one hell of a real-life tragedy to keep me from it.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
And like RadCon, I can no longer <i>just</i> attend. I've been a panelist at RadCon for the last two years, and I'm driven to figure out how to participate in DEFCON. Not only because of how much I've gotten from it, and how much I continue to get from it, but for the selfish fact that there are diminishing returns in terms of what I can learn as a non-participant audience.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The few talks I attended were unremarkable. Since I no longer work in IT, I avoid highly technical talks, which are no longer useful to my career. I know enough security theory to write fiction; readers don't want to hear the tech details anyway. If a story is set in a far-future, 2014 tech won't matter, and if I need something current, like safe-cracking for <i>Through a Shattered Tumbler</i>, I can look it up online. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As a curious person, I often enjoy hearing about new exploits, but even those have started to blend together. The message is always the same: <span style="color: #cc0000;">All things are pwned or pwnable.</span> This is a very worthy message, but for me, it's ancient news. It's not as likely to give me a dopamine "ah-ha!" or "holy shit!" feeling anymore. After "holy shit did you know you can <a href="http://venturebeat.com/2008/08/08/defcon-excuse-me-while-i-turn-off-your-pacemaker/" target="_blank">stop someone's pacemaker</a>?" and "holy shit all of <a href="http://hackaday.com/2008/08/09/defcon-16-mit-boston-transit-presentation-gagged/" target="_blank">Boston's transit is owned</a>!" and "holy shit the Russian cybermob, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQja0SHvPe0" target="_blank">the nets are all gonna DIE</a>!" ... You can only get excited about the sky falling for so long before even that becomes normal. The sky is falling, and it's already fallen, and Situation Normal All Fucked Up (SNAFU).</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bun6PHvIcAAPztS.jpg:large" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bun6PHvIcAAPztS.jpg:large" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This screenshot circulated on Twitter<br />
of a hacking tool itself being the vector for mass pwnage.<br />
Amusing, but totally unsurprising.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
I don't mean to make DEFCON sound unexciting. I had an <i>amazing</i> time this year, as always. But as a neophile, I crave new experiences. Moreover, I'm writing for neophiles who also crave new experiences, and you don't want to read a recap that's a recap of <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/08/defcon-21-l33tism-yields-to.html" target="_blank">last year's recap</a>. So this isn't a regular post describing the talks or hallway shenanigans.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Mostly, this year was about seeking my place, teaching others, and enjoying the synthesis that comes from mingling knowledge. i.e. making friends and having conversations. This is the true value of any con, because we can learn the rest online. We can watch all the talks on YouTube. What we can't do is talk and wave our hands about and toast to a point that everyone agrees on.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This year, mingling came easy thanks to my <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html" target="_blank">autism diagnosis</a> and anxiety medication. This was my second DEFCON since my DX. Last year, my SSRI prescription was brand new and I was still adjusting. I noticed the improvement then, and all the more this year. The power of technology has made social anxiety a distant memory, and I have better coping mechanisms and a higher sense self-acceptance since I know that there is a medical basis for my quirks.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
However, the meds don't fix everything. The distracting and painful sensation of anxiety is quelled, but it doesn't fix my awkwardness, the times I'm not sure what to do or what is appropriate. I'm still combatting 38 years of overcompensating, learned behaviors I used to avoid anxiety. The extra serotonin doesn't cure my autism or sensory processing disorders. Sometimes the background noise is too loud and I can't tell what people are saying. Sometimes I'm not sure how to engage in conversation with people I want to talk to, or leave conversations with people I'm no longer interested in.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Sometimes I lock up and don't know what to say, so I stay silent when I should be talking. Or the opposite, a more recent coping mechanism where open my mouth anyway, and let words pour out without any filters. Which works until it doesn't, and I say the wrong thing.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The meds really help in all these cases, because when I do make mistakes or face uncertainty, I'm not assaulted with waves of anxiety that pull me under onto the hamster wheel of self-assault. I'm much more resilient and can keep rolling.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPHxST29mFeYmrcGma50xRnIfRrFJzvoadRkDrnpLRWp2cxpUwN-RcuXOuS_ozzpsBB7HAPIC9FmjxDjtClztPQ5tVMIhShC7FtLevOnfEqYmqbSu0GHfJCcECyNm00H6TlWAykLfQWZE/s1600/20140808_130226.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPHxST29mFeYmrcGma50xRnIfRrFJzvoadRkDrnpLRWp2cxpUwN-RcuXOuS_ozzpsBB7HAPIC9FmjxDjtClztPQ5tVMIhShC7FtLevOnfEqYmqbSu0GHfJCcECyNm00H6TlWAykLfQWZE/s1600/20140808_130226.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why Spot the Fed<br />
when you can bring the Feds to you?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
This has all improved my experience at DEFCON a hundredfold. It's a much more social event than it has been in years past.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<h3>
I'm-Poser Syndrome<span style="font-size: small;">*</span></h3>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">* - Attempted pun</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
When I arrived at the Rio on Wednesday, I felt pretty wobbly and low, and I wondered what right I had to be at DEFCON at all. I'd submitted a talk to CFP, which summarized my several years of research on unethical persuasion and group mind control (which all culminated in my book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1489595937/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1489595937&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=THMFPMWOOATELQIY" target="_blank">Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control</a></i>). The talk got rejected, partly because it was non-computery and partly because the religious criticism it contained was potentially too controversial. I would be attending as a non-participant once again. And in absence of a tech career, with less hands-on computing in my hobby life, with my interests shifting more to psychology, neuroscience, and writing, I really wondered why I belonged at DEFCON at all. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome" target="_blank">Impostor Syndrome</a> had set in pretty hard.</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BmF_t79CUAAGaV0.jpg:large" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BmF_t79CUAAGaV0.jpg:large" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image appears to be from a conference someplace.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="p1">
Because of splines (see my post on <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/10/splines-theory-spoons-metaphor-for.html" target="_blank">Spline Theory</a>), I don't always realize how much I know. I'm carrying quite a bit around in this brain, but I forget this until I'm reminded of the specific topic. So when I'm around people who know more about, say computer technology, like at a hacker con where I <i>still</i> can't <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wXBe2jTdx4" target="_blank">hack any Gibsons</a> (and never will), my self-worth plummets. I really want to contribute, but couldn't see how I'd ever know anything worth disseminating in this particular venue, a venue that has become so very important to me.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
(Which is all very ironic, since next week I'll be giving a 3 minute pep talk to others about how "everyone has something to contribute to DEFCON," to give people confidence to submit their own talks. More on this in a second.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In this context, I got into the registration line Thursday morning, and met a DEFCON newb, a 23 year old who wanted to get into a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penetration_test" target="_blank">pentesting</a> career and didn't know where to start. For then next half hour+, I rambled at length about what to see at DEFCON, where to go to get more information on pentesting, how to legally practice pentesting at home, who to talk to to find an infosec job, and an outline of the plan I'd follow I were starting up a pentesting career. (Because I've obviously thought this through.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Other newbies overheard, and joined the conversation, and I got to chatter on about security theory and the state of infosec and tell anecdotes from past DEFCONs.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
It became clear I did belong after all. And I did have something to contribute, even if I still didn't know exactly how.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Over the course of the weekend, I spoke intelligently about all kinds of topics that I normally keep wrapped up in spline-packages that I only open when the topic is brought up: physics, autism, psychology, science fiction, politics, privacy, libertarianism, biohacking, transhumanism, culture, social engineering, current events, shenanigans at past DEFCONs, computer history, hacker and crypto history, Masons, and some other topics I no longer remember because eventually I got drunk and it's difficult to remember 4am conversations anyway.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So I'm in a strange spot. I'm not a super-expert in any one field, but I have something to say in all fields. I belong at DEFCON, but I am still seeking some way I can give back. I continue my quest to find a topic for next year's talk. The whole con I brainstormed ideas for projects I could turn into CFP next year.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Bonus: Here are two whacky ideas that I will never implement because I don't have time:</span></div>
<div class="p1">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">Win the <a href="https://forum.defcon.org/showthread.php?t=13845" target="_blank">beard contest</a> by building <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxAmphwLPDY" target="_blank">a Minecraft processor</a>, writing a program to draw an 8-bit beard design, and print it. Wear the printed paper beard to contest. Score.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">Once a week, document in a blog an attempted recipe from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0974458902/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0974458902&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=54MP5XFJHA56K4DE" target="_blank">the Anarchist Cookbook</a>, just like <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_Powell#Julie_.26_Julia:_365_Days.2C_524_Recipes.2C_1_Tiny_Apartment_Kitchen" target="_blank">Julie did from the Joy of Cooking</a> as depicted in the movie <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_%26_Julia" target="_blank">Julie and Julia</a></i>. After completing all recipes in the book, write a DEFCON talk. Score.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<h3>
Biohaxx0r</h3>
<div class="p2">
The program lured me into a meeting to plan a possible Biohacking Village for DEFCON 23.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
DEFCON villages are rooms dedicated to providing hands-on learning of the basics of various subjects. In the Lockpicking Village, there are lockpick sets and locks and helpful teachers around so you can learn to crack physical security. The Tamper-Evident Village provides sealed envelopes and solvents to open and reseal them without revealing they've been open. The Hardware Hacking Village provides solder and circuit boards and people who will teach you schematics and soldering skills. Each village also provides regular talks and demos at entry level so everyone can learn.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The Biohacking Village would do the same. One definition of "hacking" is using technology for something other than its intended purpose. So one could view biohacking as leveraging biology for something other than its intended purpose. And we'd show people how to do that at DEFCON.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We had about 10-15 people in attendance from many different backgrounds. As we talked, we discovered we would have no shortage of content, in the fields of, but not limited to: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nootropic" target="_blank">Nootropics</a> and pharmaceuticals, bioethics, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioinformatics" target="_blank">bioinformatics</a>, genetics & DNA splicing, psychology & neuroscience, hacker health & nutrition, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transhumanism" target="_blank">transhumanism</a>, biochem and nanotech, and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biometrics" target="_blank">biometric</a> security. Several of the discussions were way over my head. We had people there in classic computer technology fields, and others in biotech careers I'd never even heard of. We were all very excited to help establish this village.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We kicked around ideas for hands-on activities, talks, and advanced equipment for onsite demos. We had enough content ideas to start our own con, but as we discussed, we want it at DEFCON for the same reason the other villages exist: To give all DEFCON attendees a chance to go outside their regular sphere and learn something new. Moreover, cross-pollination between these two fields can help guide biohacking culture with our 40 years of cumulative hacking ethics. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In many ways biohacking grew out of hacker culture. Biohacking is in the same stage computer hacking was in the 1970s with the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homebrew_Computer_Club" target="_blank">Homebrew Computer Club</a>. Back then, IBM and major universities steered computer technology down a fixed path. Their rigid organizational cultures wouldn't allow them to envision how interesting and useful computers could be to ordinary citizens. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxn2Kmrlk8FmoeL446nNaChDu5TY31U_Rv61wnDDylkdUHku_Z5YPSl4cbv_a8yEQz-ufHPHMTR5T7UDcDxtv90yaMy-2c2Ir8D0CELvkMlbFYZ4dJzlMCPfwotuNaOWltnXFoXOpMGSw/s1600/nq-watson.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxn2Kmrlk8FmoeL446nNaChDu5TY31U_Rv61wnDDylkdUHku_Z5YPSl4cbv_a8yEQz-ufHPHMTR5T7UDcDxtv90yaMy-2c2Ir8D0CELvkMlbFYZ4dJzlMCPfwotuNaOWltnXFoXOpMGSw/s1600/nq-watson.png" height="191" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thomas Watson, 1943.<br />
This was the dominant culture driving computer tech until the 1970s.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
But the Homebrewers destroyed these artificial limitations and created the home computing industry. With the first home computer, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altair_8800" target="_blank">Altair 8800</a>, hacking communities formed to <a href="http://www.digibarn.com/collections/movies/digibarn-tv/erik-klein-altair-8800-playing/" target="_blank">find uses for them</a>. Wozniak and Jobs used this environment to develop the Apple, the first home computer which could be operated by an ordinary human being. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/cb/Popular_Electronics_Cover_Jan_1975.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/cb/Popular_Electronics_Cover_Jan_1975.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">I can't get enough of this computer history shit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.our-picks.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/thefirstapple.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.our-picks.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/thefirstapple.gif" height="224" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep, the very first Apple computer<br />
with a custom wooden case mod.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
Ever since then, most disruptive computer technologies (or popularized disruptive uses of previously developed technologies) have come out of people's garages. Microsoft, ISPs, Netscape, Amazon, ad nauseam.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtPpUNXk2Uo" target="_blank">Richard Thieme claimed at DEFCON 17</a>, the future of biotech will follow the same course. Biohacker spaces are popping up everywhere, including here in Seattle at <a href="http://hivebio.org/" target="_blank">HiveBio</a>. The ethics and implications are both exciting and scary. This infant hacking field needs to learn from all the mistakes and successes of the computer scene's four decades. Especially since the stakes are now much higher.<br />
<br />
If you're interested in getting involved in creating this potential village, you can <a href="http://lists.defconbiohackingvillage.org/listinfo.cgi/defcon-biohackvillage-defconbiohackingvillage.org" target="_blank">join the discussion list</a>.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This will likely be my "thing" next year. I plan to contribute, if it gets the go-ahead, and I may do that in lieu of, or in addition to, writing a new talk. Up till now, my related bio-interests have focused on autism and psychology. But I've always wanted to learn biochemistry so that when people talk about it, I'm not completely lost. The vendor area had a copy of the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1593272766/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1593272766&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20&linkId=GLQOQ4P6AUNXEIQX" target="_blank">Manga Guide to Biochemistry</a> so I snatched it right up and am now reading it. Lots of "ah-ha!" moments, which is what I crave in my life. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Along those lines, I'd like to get more involved with my local DEFCON group, <a href="http://www.blacklodgeresearch.org/" target="_blank">DC206</a>.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Miscellania</h3>
<div class="p1">
I did see a couple of talks of note this year. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
One was the controversial Diversity Panel which I tweeted a great deal about. It was so controversial, in fact, that it deserves a whole separate post. It's a good catalyst for discussing the larger diversity and accessibility issues at DEFCON. These problems have existed all along, and the time has finally come to talk about them.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii97F8HSYyE08F5a5KVwovOFEBZnORoCr0uyUyXw0jyRpdreOSzdo99bDxVA14QyugrpP-kqOYxhuUrzeaTOfvXvPVBtjtT_SxhRMomqpWJJ22oJyGA4NdrAfLjibUGHJTcnUYKWhJoO8/s1600/20140814_184300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii97F8HSYyE08F5a5KVwovOFEBZnORoCr0uyUyXw0jyRpdreOSzdo99bDxVA14QyugrpP-kqOYxhuUrzeaTOfvXvPVBtjtT_SxhRMomqpWJJ22oJyGA4NdrAfLjibUGHJTcnUYKWhJoO8/s1600/20140814_184300.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
The <a href="http://defcoin.org/" target="_blank">Defcoin</a> talk was very interesting and useful. I'm a hands-on learner, and need to grok a thing down to its bones before I'm comfortable with it. I sometimes can't just "trust the magic." <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cryptocurrency" target="_blank">Cryptocurrency</a> is one of those subjects. It's a newfangled thing and I wanted to understand it better. This talk did a great job. Better still, we all received a paper wallet containing a key for 100 Defcoin and links to the blockchain. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipu9kqU1U1nZ3ETryu2NJa07y4qRDmjJsoSwqyE8Yp_QcG3Nps20XkfodsAkl3UiP_O3d3R_Ab5OMHf59wb8x_Q05hsJmqiTS-m4I7N4iK_rLWpLNOlBbBgl81rlHUxfZ4XeLqYIw44c4/s1600/20140814_185213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipu9kqU1U1nZ3ETryu2NJa07y4qRDmjJsoSwqyE8Yp_QcG3Nps20XkfodsAkl3UiP_O3d3R_Ab5OMHf59wb8x_Q05hsJmqiTS-m4I7N4iK_rLWpLNOlBbBgl81rlHUxfZ4XeLqYIw44c4/s1600/20140814_185213.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Monies.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhizq8sT_j9Uo-HwtaC59wGsewqUcPR9WFQG7IlJ_3lSpnHGQcwIE3aQuhm_7t_y-MLaWBQ5dkLpfnqFIRtWOu4_LM8XPsLXA321V9dCWJz56_dfJyJ9-6dDReakr0uDhByOIZ0rHG8ynQ/s1600/20140814_185230.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhizq8sT_j9Uo-HwtaC59wGsewqUcPR9WFQG7IlJ_3lSpnHGQcwIE3aQuhm_7t_y-MLaWBQ5dkLpfnqFIRtWOu4_LM8XPsLXA321V9dCWJz56_dfJyJ9-6dDReakr0uDhByOIZ0rHG8ynQ/s1600/20140814_185230.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope you type in the key so I can lulz at you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://defcoin.assmeow.org/">defcoin.assmeow.org</a> - Search the blockchain for lulz and profit!</li>
<li><a href="http://defcoin.org/wallet">defcoin.org/wallet</a> - Get the wallets for to keep the monies.</li>
<li><a href="http://reddit.com/r/defcoin">reddit.com/r/defcoin</a> - Talk about yer monies.</li>
<li><a href="http://defcoinstats.com/">defcoinstats.com</a> - Numbers about monies made of numbers.</li>
</ul>
<br />
The makers of defcoin hope people will use the coins to learn more about cryptocurrencies and to test vulnerabilities and try out new ideas. Apparently there were also clues to the <a href="http://www.wired.com/2014/08/defcon-2014-badges-revealed/" target="_blank">badge puzzle</a> in the blockchain, so that was awesome. I'll probably look for them while I'm there if I can figure out how to work this thing.<br />
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I feel like I have a much better grasp on cryptocurrency now. I got the wallet and have cashed in my 100 coins. I may even do something with them. Not sure what yet.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I don't know much about the DEFCON badge this year, other than that it lights up, has a USB port, and the light patterns change when you touch various combinations of the metalic letters "DEFCON". A friend of mine hacked his to spell his name in binary. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I didn't even touch the badge puzzle, but it looks like Lost put in some low-hanging fruit (like ROT-13) so I could have gotten through at least a stage if I'd tried. Oh well, my con was packed enough. <a href="http://potatohatsecurity.tumblr.com/post/94565729529/defcon-22-badge-challenge-walkthrough" target="_blank">The full solution is here</a>.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_mJqVPpvAit03nvEw4AMXRhhIL7Ur-BAn-WY1G3-n6cF94t2BeSKf0Vf8KMZHTN5cL66Y0_ohmzmls-y8rNnsv0UiUrKmhDFqsvtptm2HXZOwTogfTC3W7vWvRtSqHMaPwCe5SIxThjE/s1600/20140807_161450.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_mJqVPpvAit03nvEw4AMXRhhIL7Ur-BAn-WY1G3-n6cF94t2BeSKf0Vf8KMZHTN5cL66Y0_ohmzmls-y8rNnsv0UiUrKmhDFqsvtptm2HXZOwTogfTC3W7vWvRtSqHMaPwCe5SIxThjE/s1600/20140807_161450.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do what this badge says and<br />
Do No Obey!<br />
Also, this statement is false.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
One of the most exciting things that happened to me this year is that I finally got hold of two l33t badges: The Queercon Badge and the Telephreak pager. I snagged them both within the same hour.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_ItZD53FA9ZsxR_dDg3ViVtg4wCNm7WDbpTFymF17GHRHsXIDBBTCJdou9H6JcGDNxs0dCLtNTLNI3bSYaV_J2Qh3THHcmDOxvKvADmqfGV06plwHwOrH_Qe4E-E54XFXgttQ7JDL4o/s1600/20140814_190553.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_ItZD53FA9ZsxR_dDg3ViVtg4wCNm7WDbpTFymF17GHRHsXIDBBTCJdou9H6JcGDNxs0dCLtNTLNI3bSYaV_J2Qh3THHcmDOxvKvADmqfGV06plwHwOrH_Qe4E-E54XFXgttQ7JDL4o/s1600/20140814_190553.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hi! Hello! Wave!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
For those wondering how to snag l33t loot, it's all about the luck. That's how we got the FailBlog party badge and the Facebook party badge, both from, uh... DEFCON17 I think. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In this case, I was between talks in the con space, and happened to glance at Twitter in time to see <a href="https://twitter.com/Queercon" target="_blank">@queercon</a> had posted a location and a password 8 minutes prior. I rushed to the location, no one was there, I waited around wondering what to do, when I saw them. They were talking to a small group of people about the party, and I walked up and blurted out the password really loudly, which was pretty stupid, because no one else there knew the password. (Did I mention I have Asperger's?) So they had to hand out QC badges to everyone there and change the password all because of me. Ha.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Nevertheless, it is the single most cool badge I have ever owned. There is an array of 70 white LEDs, with 5 colored LEDs on either side. A series of animated images and words flash past on the array. I've been unable to read the words, because they always flashed past while I was wearing it (when it's upside down to me), nor do I understand why and when it displays what. Even back home from the con, I'm seeing the little stick man doing animations I hadn't seen at the con. And the colored lights do something now and then.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I did learn at the Queercon pool party that it syncs with other badges, and increments the number on the side lights. Two stick figures wave at one another during the sync. It's also supposed to increment something for each Queercon event you attend, tho it didn't seem to be working at the party I attended. And people with black badges increment it in a more special way. That's all I know. I'm waiting for the full writeup. It's a beautiful and sophisticated badge and I will treasure it and bring it to future DEFCONs. Plus it looks like a floppy disk.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<b>Update: </b>Queercon has just now <a href="http://www.queercon.org/qc11-badge-info/" target="_blank">published the badge writeup</a>, so I'll read that soon! And the <a href="http://www.queercon.org/queercon-badge/queercon-11-readme/" target="_blank">Readme on what it does</a> (more or less)!</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Immediately after getting the Queercon badge, I glanced at Twitter (as addicts do), and saw <a href="https://twitter.com/telephreak" target="_blank">@telephreak</a> tweet a different location for access to <i>their</i> party. So I booked it over to the Whopper Bar. At this point, I'd speed-walked the entire length of the Rio.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
As with Queercon, I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't see anyone there. I wasn't sure if I should start asking people. And of course, at DEFCON, you're always on alert for a prank. So I didn't want to make a big show of anything. (See above with the FailBlog party badge. Yes, it was a prank.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
But after standing there for awhile, the Telephreak guy showed up, and OMG I GOT A TELEPHREAK PAGER AND YES I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE 7 DEFCONS AND NOW I CAN GO TO THE TELEPHREAK PARTIES.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ6d6zPvQN5xFZwNGLYDRyTNoXJzynNQsbXA15ytX1f508j-UUej4_mUV5Onn6b10AcR73w4j3WU5z_QXwPmrSklvbDvnUoEDj4JnIIYx2uuTT12mQXw01OljKddiEiPczr6RspVuLxgc/s1600/20140814_191004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ6d6zPvQN5xFZwNGLYDRyTNoXJzynNQsbXA15ytX1f508j-UUej4_mUV5Onn6b10AcR73w4j3WU5z_QXwPmrSklvbDvnUoEDj4JnIIYx2uuTT12mQXw01OljKddiEiPczr6RspVuLxgc/s1600/20140814_191004.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A working pager. <br />
And a SIM card. Not sure what it's for.<br />
(I'm scared to put it in my phone.)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
I am clearly very happy about this. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
My favorite kind of con party is the type where there's just enough alcohol to loosen up, and enough quiet space and intelligent people to sustain hours and hours of conversation. Telephreak<a href="http://2600.net/">/2600.net</a> threw an amazing super awesome party that inspired me to stay up till 3am Sunday night of the Con when I had a flight the next morning. They held it in a posh suite. They gave talks. There was a smoking room upstairs where we could converse for hours. Basically the most perfect party. I will sing its praises and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KmoKOrKJvk" target="_blank">raise my glass</a>. Plus they earned $1260 for EFF. Plus the pager is old school 90s tech nostalgia with an anachronistic USB charger.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So, the secret to getting l33t party invites and badges is to follow the right people on Twitter and pay close attention.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Outside of that, and the EFF party on Thursday night, I spent most of my late-night party hours at "Bar Con." There's this casino bar in the hallway at the Rio between the con area and the rooms. There's plenty of space to spill out into, and the point is you hang there from midnight until the sun comes up. It's quiet enough to converse, and you can snag people as they walk past. I hope there's a similar space at the new location. (SPOILER: DEFCON is moving next year.) I've met so many new people at Bar Con.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In random trivia: Our room number had the following characteristics: palindrome, binary, and prime. A few people tried to guess it in Twitter, and for the one who guessed 10001, you win! But then, I like you lots anyway. *wink* (Yes, I'm flirting in a blog post.)</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The last bit of news is <a href="http://thetarah.com/defcon-unlocked/" target="_blank">DEFCON Unlocked</a>. It was born on Twitter a couple of months ago in the midst of a discussion about helping women, minorities, and others, feel comfortable submitting a DEFCON talk. We realized that many DEFCON attendees don't have confidence, or for various reasons, may feel like they aren't "cool" enough or have nothing to contribute. DEFCON Unlocked will address this through two webinars, organized by Tarah Wheeler Van Vlack. The first is next week, and will consist of a series of short peptalks by people you might have heard of, as well as some advice on what to start working on right now so you'll be ready to write a talk in the spring. We will also open the floor for questions.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Then in the spring, when open calls for CFPs begin, we'll run another webinar on what to expect and how to write the actual talk.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So take a little advice from this big mean Dalek:</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg11Kp34QjZp6CqatvynodLhZFmljgiaXc5Wcn7w7jHy5w1oIEtQiUOfrnVgrlz5EdfUML32FLhIMNOZzLiI5ZlW7VaSoim4I9wXm1N65WucIX6AIz9ikah3ropJ_DdO5aN2MJpASyNH6M/s1600/dalek-meme-generator-defcon-participate-66f329.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg11Kp34QjZp6CqatvynodLhZFmljgiaXc5Wcn7w7jHy5w1oIEtQiUOfrnVgrlz5EdfUML32FLhIMNOZzLiI5ZlW7VaSoim4I9wXm1N65WucIX6AIz9ikah3ropJ_DdO5aN2MJpASyNH6M/s1600/dalek-meme-generator-defcon-participate-66f329.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know I plan to!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
Whatever you're working on, and whatever I end up working on, I hope to see you next year!</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-85603280578155283752014-02-24T18:00:00.000-08:002014-03-10T19:23:35.151-07:00Reflected in Ice: An Aspergers Review of Frozen<i><b>The following movie review contains mild spoilers. I try to tread lightly, but can't avoid addressing a few in-movie moments or thematic elements.</b></i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://searchingforsuperwomen.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/snow_queen_elsa_in_frozen-wide.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://searchingforsuperwomen.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/snow_queen_elsa_in_frozen-wide.jpg" height="250" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
There are two measures of good art.<br />
<br />
The first is anything that can make me feel strongly. The other is that which holds up a mirror to the viewers, in which, each sees herself.<br />
<br />
Frozen accomplished both of these goals with resounding success.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://twistedsubmission.com/TS/images/010/reflection_fairy2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://twistedsubmission.com/TS/images/010/reflection_fairy2.gif" height="400" width="281" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Secret Wish - Tami Vaughn<br />
I had this printed on a mousepad I used for years.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Good mirrors are composed of metaphors and character traits and plot in the right combination of vague and specific to reflect a broad range of life situations and personalities. Many types of people see themselves in Frozen: girls who are raised to be perfect, sisters who struggle in their relationships, women who are deceived by those they trust, those who have secrets, neurodiverse people, anyone who is misunderstood, and anyone who is rejected for all the wrong reasons. And like the second trial in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_NeverEnding_Story_(film)" target="_blank">The NeverEnding Story</a>, a mirror which reveals the viewers "true self", Frozen's mirror can reflect the ugly parts of some people, like the blogger, "Well-Behaved Mormon Woman", who <a href="http://wellbehavedmormonwoman.blogspot.com/2014/02/movie-frozen-gay-homosexual-agenda.html" target="_blank">calls Frozen part of the "gay agenda to normalize homosexuality"</a> and who says it's terrible we're letting kids get the message that rebellion is better than obedience.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1334552515835_9226445.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1334552515835_9226445.png" height="280" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can you hold it down, please?<br />
I'm trying to make history over here.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Whatever, lady. I have an entirely different view when I look at myself in art.</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Frozen reflected many visions for me. Most strongly, it portrayed my autism in a very accurate way. It also reflected my relationship with my sister, and my struggles to leave the religious culture of my birth (incidentally, Mormonism), and my struggles relating to my family members who still belong to that culture. I will cover my thoughts on all these points.<br />
<br />
Social equality activists argue for more representation of minorities in fiction. There are many good reasons to do this, but for any creator, the biggest reason should be "to make better art". When the same old characters are dancing to the same old plots choreographed with the same old tropes and the same old twists, only the same old segment of society is allowed to see themselves reflected in art. And even that segment is only allowed to get the same messages they always have about themselves. The mirror is cracked and the reflective backing is faded. It ceases to be useful even for the intended audience.<br />
<br />
<b>What's fun is a funhouse with only one twisted mirror?</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://visionblocks.org/Funhouse-Mirror.jpg?1349474855" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://visionblocks.org/Funhouse-Mirror.jpg?1349474855" /></a></div>
<br />
Frozen is the first movie I can remember that explores the relationship between two sisters. I'm sure there are other examples, but they are <a href="http://www.slantmagazine.com/house/article/15-famous-movie-sisters" target="_blank">few and far between</a>. Often, to find them, you have to leave the mainstream film scene, into the art houses and foreign films.<br />
<br />
Because of this dearth, Frozen had it easy. Its subject and plot is low hanging fruit. Disney made the only mainstream movie about sisters in recent history, so of course anyone who is a sister and has a sister is going to see herself in it. Finally, someone is showing her herself.<br />
<br />
Because women are so rarely represented in movies, outside certain highly limiting tropes, we latch on to anything we're given. And it benefits us all greatly. Frozen allowed my sister and I to have a conversation we were unable to have before, because we lacked any kind of context to have it. Frozen helped her and I understand one another more.<br />
<br />
Any filmmaker following in Frozen's footsteps will face a steeper challenge. The next attempt will require a little more thought and nuance in order to be good art and not simply derivative.<br />
<br />
This is a good thing. I hope many attempts will be made to best Frozen's "sisters" mirror. And while we're at it, let's take a look at other female-female relationships. Mother-daughter? (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brave_(2012_film)" target="_blank">Brave</a> got us started there.) Business partners? Partners in crime? Buddies? (More <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thelma_%26_Louise" target="_blank">Thelma and Loiuse</a>, please.)<br />
<br />
And God forbid.. Perhaps we could see female-female <i>romantic</i> partners? In spite of the success of the big gay agenda, I currently only have <a href="http://youtu.be/hlVBg7_08n0?t=3m23s" target="_blank">one small part of one song</a> that describes what it feels like to be snuggled up with my lovely girlfriend. That ought to give well-behaved blogger up there a <i>real</i> example of homosexuality portrayed in the media.<br />
<br />
Anyway, there's plenty more low-hanging-good-art fruit for the picking. Half the movie-viewing audience are women who really want, crave, and <i>need</i> more mirrors.<br />
<br />
Now, I'm not implying Frozen's creators were amateurs and that it only succeeded because they entered unexplored territory. They tread some other ground which is extremely well-trod and managed to find a fresh mirror there, too.<br />
<br />
The "be your own unique self no matter what people say" theme has been done to death. It's part of American culture, and we love it every single time. Where this theme gets stale is, again, where we endlessly see the same take on it. The underdog nonconformists who win in the end, they all start to blur together after awhile, until we forget that this is the theme of pretty much every single movie, ever. We don't even notice it anymore. The individualist rebel has become the new conformity, the ideal that we all strive for equally, to the point where we shun anyone who fails.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1962306816/hEEF7883C/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1962306816/hEEF7883C/" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Repeat after me...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For Frozen to pull this old trick out of the bag, dust it off, and make it seem like they were the first to ever think of it, is a pretty tremendous feat. A mirror is pointless if we keep seeing the same image. It's the one that reveals a different side, or that pimple hiding under the chin, is the one that wins the "Good Art" award from me.<br />
<br />
The song "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk&feature=kp" target="_blank">Let It Go</a>" is good art for the same reasons. It speaks to these common themes and others, of social rejection, of turning ostracization into chosen isolation, of the damage caused by suppressing feelings, of finding self-acceptance, and of having uncontrollable emotions or an inner power which is misunderstood.<br />
<br />
<b>This scene made me cry the first time I saw it. Which leads us to autism.</b><br />
<br />
<a href="http://thethirdglance.wordpress.com/2013/12/21/disneys-frozen-and-autism/" target="_blank">Others have written about this topic.</a> But I shall write more about it. Because when you meet one person with autism, you've only met that one person with autism, so there's no one definitive autistic perspective.<br />
<br />
<b>[Mild spoilers incoming!]</b><br />
<br />
Elsa is born with her power, and she is taught to hate and suppress it. She learns from her well-meaning parents that she is dangerous and likely to hurt others, especially her sister Anna, who she loves. She has to hide away in her locked room, stuff her feelings, and resist using her powers because of these inaccurate beliefs about herself.<br />
<br />
Her powers are a double-edged sword. They started as a force for good, which she used to make her sister happy and strengthen their sisterly bonds. But after one mistake, her talent turns into a dark and ugly thing, not because of Elsa herself, but because of how the people around her view it.<br />
<br />
Ironically, it isn't her magic that hurts Anna. It's Elsa's self-imposed isolation because she believes herself to be dangerous. All Anna wants is the same love they once shared. The door that separates them wounds more sharply than the ice which was easily healed.<br />
<br />
In a perfect case study of unintended consequences, Elsa's suppression of her power is what keeps her from controlling it. It all comes out sideways at the worst time, and she ends up in mutually-agreed upon exile, but with disastrous results for both her and her people. Again, it isn't her <i>powers</i> that are dangerous, it is how she and everyone else is handling them.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1078" target="_blank">Olga Bogdishina's</a> book, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1843102676/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1843102676&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20" target="_blank">Communication Issues in Autism and Asperger's Syndrome</a>", talks about the ways autists process sensory information differently from <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotypical" target="_blank">neurotypicals</a> (NTs). Among other issues, autists deal with being either hypo- or hyper-sensitive to stimuli. "Their senses seem to be too acute…or not working at all…"<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.jkp.com/pics/books/2004/1-84310-267-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.jkp.com/pics/books/2004/1-84310-267-6.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Excellent book.<br />
So read it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Every autistic individual has a mashup of different conditions under which their senses are either ramped up or remote and blocked off. For some, sounds will always be too loud (auditory hypersensitivity) but they have no idea what they're feeling (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia" target="_blank">alexithymia</a>). For others, they do fine with sound... until they get overstimulated. Then they can hear a pin drop on the other side of the house.<br />
<br />
Emotions should be counted among the "five" senses. Emotions are a sense, giving us information about our internal reactions to outside events, and are subject to hypo- or hyper- sensitivity effects. For autists, emotions can be remote and incomprehensible, or very loud like a blaring siren. While I've had periods in my life where I was more hyposensitive to my feelings (my teen years), these days, I tend to be more hypersensitive. I usually know what I'm feeling, and why, and even what I need to do to change those feelings. The downside is that strong emotions are very, very strong. Overwhelmingly so. Uncontrollably so.<br />
<br />
<b>And that's where <a href="http://www.examiner.com/article/autism-meltdowns-versus-temper-tantrums" target="_blank">meltdowns</a> come in. </b><br />
<br />
Add to the complication, I was raised in a passive-aggressive environment, where showing certain emotions was never allowed. I quickly learned that crying would invoke an angry response, or accusations, or that I could hurt the people I loved. I became very good at repressing my tears if anyone else was around. When I became an adult, I had to teach myself to cry. It's a lesson I've never fully learned, and I have lots of triggers and shaky boundaries around that. All stuff I continue to work on.<br />
<br />
When I feel cornered and triggered, I can meltdown. My emotions become so overwhelming that they shut down my thinking brain, with symptoms very similar to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack" target="_blank">panic attack</a>. I feel anxiety like fire, in my whole body, even my skin. I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I can't act in the best ways to protect myself. Everything becomes all-or-nothing. I may lash out and say hurtful things.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8JEbfWZVWjeLRc9bUwPWP7ti646cD-mwNOWmrvcfwomfTGfoEZGzTcOU9k-jYmIhML9MloTciQcje_2g_DknUQSZnYqgfr-Ww7XJ6vBwIpx5t4Lxq8mZ71cduKeHC2tTx8Xek9ecj_66t/s1600/86f386cc-1e7f-4b8a-9db3-434d3f2324c0_26-1-5_064-00_0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8JEbfWZVWjeLRc9bUwPWP7ti646cD-mwNOWmrvcfwomfTGfoEZGzTcOU9k-jYmIhML9MloTciQcje_2g_DknUQSZnYqgfr-Ww7XJ6vBwIpx5t4Lxq8mZ71cduKeHC2tTx8Xek9ecj_66t/s1600/86f386cc-1e7f-4b8a-9db3-434d3f2324c0_26-1-5_064-00_0001.jpg" height="166" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'd put something funny here but it isn't really funny.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Cue Elsa. Here she has this double-edged power. She can build magnificent complicated fractal-based buildings using only her mental powers, but when she loses control, she shoots icicles from her hands.<br />
<br />
Elsa's big triggers are related to emotions. When her parents die, her room turns frosty. And <i>just like me</i>, she becomes most dangerous during conflicts. She always risks hurting someone when she feels powerful things. And most of all, no one understands her. She's hurting and afraid, but everyone thinks she's a monster.<br />
<br />
Her powers are just like my overwhelming emotions. As a child, I dealt with them by never feeling anything. As an adult, I still try to stuff them sometimes, but it totally backfires, especially when it reminds me of being a helpless child and I get triggered.<br />
<br />
Power over ice is the best metaphor here. Aspies are often thought of as being emotionally cold, yet like Elsa's power, our emotions are often very active and passionate. Emotional repression is like trying to freeze feelings. And when I get upset, words come more difficult to me, as if my thoughts are freezing up. When the panic sets it, it's hard to breath, like my chest is frozen with fear.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6eR8dFuITTDXg08ruRoilMdFfK8dT-i_0z0bzZpFgHK1VihojdG69qt_j2ydwnYK8hDxukFPR1JUNO4nTUvtsmGEpUuQmuTMxLuA43500ROoCgmbqwbZ-C89gFU3oRmUm7b8Xq4s7Jngj/s640/Elsa+at+coronation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6eR8dFuITTDXg08ruRoilMdFfK8dT-i_0z0bzZpFgHK1VihojdG69qt_j2ydwnYK8hDxukFPR1JUNO4nTUvtsmGEpUuQmuTMxLuA43500ROoCgmbqwbZ-C89gFU3oRmUm7b8Xq4s7Jngj/s640/Elsa+at+coronation.jpg" height="176" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's not an icebeam, no that's all Jonny Snow!<br />
(And Elsa the Snow Queen)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anna tries to reason with Elsa, so together they can solve the endless winter problem. I related to Anna here, as well. My solutions are so simple, yet sometimes so hard to convey.<br />
<br />
This is when Elsa whirls around in frustration, erecting a defensive ice barrier all around herself. Unknowingly, she hits Ana in the heart with an icy ray.<br />
<br />
How often have I whirled about in my own pain and frustration said something that wounded someone I love? The closer to meltdown I am, the worse it is. I'm not <i>trying</i> to hurt anyone, though people accuse me of doing so. I'm as surprised as Elsa is, when she hears Ana's little cry of pain.<br />
<br />
The metaphor continues through Anna's reaction. She seems fine for awhile. She knows she's got a problem, but she runs around for awhile and even has a comedic musical number with the trolls, before the ice starts to take over and incapacitates her. That's how painful words work. We stand up and shake them off and move along in life, but if the words were painful enough, they cause traumas that are hidden but still slowly freezing us to death.<br />
<br />
Elsa finds her answer, and it's the answer I found. By stuffing her emotions, by trying to deny who she really is, by allowing social shame to consume her, she becomes explosive. It's only when she "lets it go" and accepts who she is in spite of what others tell her, that her talent becomes a controllable force for good. A unique power no one else has.<br />
<br />
The message here, for anyone with autism or Aspergers, is to be true to your autistic self. NTs are going to set up alot of incomprehensible social standards for you to follow, but maybe you don't have to. At least not all of them, not all the time. Maybe there are ways around them, or maybe you can just do what you're going to do anyway, without shame. Maybe some of those social standards are lame and need to be questioned and rejected.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i1.cpcache.com/product_zoom/507155035/autism_butterfly_mousepad.jpg?height=460&width=460&padToSquare=true" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i1.cpcache.com/product_zoom/507155035/autism_butterfly_mousepad.jpg?height=460&width=460&padToSquare=true" height="200" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Art by FabUUlousGear.<br />
Because you can get this as a <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/+autism_butterfly_mousepad,507155035" target="_blank">mousepad</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
By accepting and being open about <i>all</i> facets of your personality, you learn to control your powers. You can avoid those pesky painful meltdowns altogether, and forgive yourself when you can't. You can create your own environment, a palace on a hill, free from overstimulation and ridiculous social rules. And when you get really good at that, maybe you can come down off the hill and be a leader for others.<br />
<br />
<b>Or not, and that's okay, too.</b><br />
<br />
One of the emotional elements of Frozen, for me, was Elsa's entire story arc. I had a rotten 2013. I was diagnosed in April. Conflicts between me and Roland were increasing in intensity and frequency. For many reasons, my anxiety continued to increase, until it pained me every single day. I was melting down every couple of weeks, every month at a minimum. I had multiple scary <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/09/the-year-i-survived-suicide.html" target="_blank">suicidal moments</a> which recurred for months.<br />
<br />
My diagnosis was helpful, but it also spun me into turmoil. I had my own <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/11/autism-and-shame.html" target="_blank">self-rejection</a>/self-acceptance narrative arc. I had to learn about <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html" target="_blank">my traits, my powers, and my limits</a>, and then learn to <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/10/splines-theory-spoons-metaphor-for.html" target="_blank">articulate</a> them to others.<br />
<br />
As I watched Elsa struggle on screen, trying on various options to deal with her power/curse, I watched myself. I felt her pain and confusion. I understood her <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/03/aspy-heart-poem-there-is-not-enough.html" target="_blank">loneliness</a>. But I also triumphed with her. I danced with her as she sang of how she no longer cared what anyone else thought, she no longer wanted to hide her true self, she would no longer try to be the perfect girl everyone expected her to be.<br />
<br />
It's making me tear up as I write about it.<br />
<br />
By the end of the year, I'd found my balance, an equilibrium, of how to live with autism and accept myself. The hardest part was learning how to be around others. Living in an ice castle is one thing, but I have family. I learned to set boundaries to keep other people from hurting me, which also resulted in me hurting them less. Like Elsa, I am now able to step out on the stage, confident, knowing I am loved.<br />
<br />
That's not to say I won't continue to struggle. Every story arc repeats itself. On screen, it's just a sliver, a slice, of the cyclic life-themes we continue to deal with. Frozen gives us a common language to think about it and discuss it.<br />
<br />
The story also reflects isolation, of being around others and yet effectively alone because true communication is impossible. This is the story of autism.<br />
<br />
When I first started researching autism, I wondered what <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism" target="_blank">non-verbal autists</a> could possibly have in common with me and other aspies. Yet I still had this deeply empathetic response to any non-verbal autist I read about or saw on video.<br />
<br />
In the documentary <a href="http://www.wretchesandjabberers.org/" target="_blank">Wretches & Jabberers</a>, two men with classical autism travel the world to meet other autists and advocates. I found myself almost in tears through the whole film. Even though their experience of life is, in so many ways, very different from mine, I felt some common, mysterious tie.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ih.constantcontact.com/fs048/1102875308321/img/75.jpg?a=1104997042570" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://ih.constantcontact.com/fs048/1102875308321/img/75.jpg?a=1104997042570" height="175" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wretches and Jaberers</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There's a moment in the film where Larry expresses how painful it is when people thinks he's stupid because he can't talk. I related so hard to this moment, not because people think I'm stupid. The opposite, I'm normally perceived as being above-average. It took me awhile to figure out what I had in common with Larry in this moment.<br />
<br />
Then it occurred to me – <b>the key thread is being misunderstood</b>.<br />
<br />
I know myself really well. I know my capabilities and feelings and outlooks. Yet often NTs think they know these better than me. They make assumptions about my motives, and then they argue with me, trying to convince me their outside perceptions are more real than my own experience.<br />
<br />
All autists are deeply misunderstood. NTs often think we're stupid, or out of control, or crazy, or drama, or unfeeling, or unempathetic, or dangerous. They think we're emotionally unintelligent. We are painted in broad strokes with wide brushes that assume intentions and ascribe meanings which <i>aren't true</i>.<br />
<br />
It's even harder, for those of us who are skilled in the use of language, when what normally works for us suddenly stops working. We sometimes can't find words, or the words we use are suddenly incomprehensible to NTs because of their assumptions or because autistic thought patterns are so different and difficult to communicate across the divide. Other skills, like sensory processing or executive function and abruptly fail, and we blow through expectations set by past behavior.<br />
<br />
For this and many other reasons, <b>I've known instinctively, since I was a small child, that I could expect to be misunderstood on a regular basis.</b><br />
<br />
To see Elsa fleeing her own kingdom really struck a chord. She tried so hard to be like everyone else and to avoid hurting anyone, and yet she still failed and had her motives misascribed. This is something many autists can relate to.<br />
<br />
The misunderstanding is even more acute because <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_disability" target="_blank">Elsa <i>looks</i> normal</a>. Her "disability" (diversability) is invisible, so when it suddenly appears, it is all the more shocking and horrible and more difficult to understand. Aspie behavior is much the same. Because no one can see a reason for strange behavior, NTs can hurtfully ascribe motives that make sense to them, but not to us.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.robot-hugs.com/comics/2013-11-21-Helpful%20Advice.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.robot-hugs.com/comics/2013-11-21-Helpful%20Advice.png" height="640" width="388" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You just need to try harder..."<br />
<a href="http://www.robot-hugs.com/helpful-advice/" target="_blank">Helpful advice</a>, but only a little</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's easy to see why someone in a wheelchair isn't running in a marathon, but when a well-dressed, intelligent, and verbal aspie with sensory processing disfunction fails to reciprocate a friendly greeting, it must be out of rudeness or meanness or a lack of empathy, not out of severe social anxiety, or an inability to assemble the words into meaning, or the inability to instinctively understand what the appropriate response is.<br />
<br />
Likewise, when Elsa's power first escapes in public, she is accused of being a sorceress, a monster. The people are not only afraid of her, some of them <i>hate</i> her and want her dead.<br />
<br />
This reflects the quick switch of being admired by everyone, then abruptly alienating them, and not knowing why. That's the life of an aspie who passes as neurotypical, builds up expectations, then shocks everyone when we reach a limit and breakdown, or fail at some seemingly simple task (like shaking someone's hand). People don't realize the capricious nature of Aspergers, that sometimes those little things are <i>impossible</i> for us, even if it was possible just a minute ago.<br />
<br />
<b>Just like it became impossible for Elsa to contain her powers.</b><br />
<br />
Though Elsa is a secondary character, she upstages Anna, the protagonist, who may also be a relatable character for aspie viewers. She is clumsy, socially awkward, blunt, practical, lonely, and unorthodox. She also expresses an impulsiveness and devil-may-care attitude which is not only endearing, but common to the Asperger's experience.<br />
<br />
I related very strongly to Anna's confusion and pain when Elsa shuts her out the way my sister did me. Elsa's reasons for the rejection seemed to be good, but it caused more harm than it prevented. As in their case, my own relationship with my sister seems to be improving the <i>more</i> time we spend talking to one another, not less.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://31.media.tumblr.com/8ea2dcf93a938d9c134995407daa9df7/tumblr_inline_n02mq3tpgp1qc1qjy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://31.media.tumblr.com/8ea2dcf93a938d9c134995407daa9df7/tumblr_inline_n02mq3tpgp1qc1qjy.jpg" width="373" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
My sister's reasons for shutting me out are rooted partially in long-running misunderstandings about my behavior vs. her interpretation of my behavior. Once I told her I am as aspie, she could understand me more. (No everyone reacts this way, however. I have heard that revealing an Asperger's diagnosis sometimes causes increased misunderstanding in families.)<br />
<br />
My sister's reasons are also partially rooted in religion, which leads me to the last mirror that Frozen held up to my life.<br />
<br />
When I chose to <a href="http://www.rationalrevelation.com/" target="_blank">leave the religion of my birth</a>, I felt a mix of conflicting emotions. I still do. On the one hand, I can celebrate my freedom from expectations and rules which never quite fit me, as Elsa does. There is much joy to be had in that. My new beliefs and new way of living is very <i>me</i>. I've lived this way for thirteen years, and the more time that passes, the more I know this path is totally right for me, and I won't let anyone take it from me.<br />
<br />
Yet like all good stories, there are tradeoffs and conflicts. This isn't a <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue" target="_blank">Mary Sue</a> story, and the price I paid is steep. I left most of my family behind. I left my cultural homeland behind. I could no longer fit in there, so I exited. By isolating myself from them (and that isolation is a two-way street), they can no longer hurt me, and likewise, I no longer hurt them by being myself in their presence. But my leaving had unknowable destructive effects back home. My family misses me, and though their desire for me to fit their mold is unrealistic, it is also <i>real</i>.<br />
<br />
Though we now live in very different worlds, we are still family. This story arc has not ended for me yet. I'm still the Elsa dancing in her ice palace, singing "Let It Go", trying to forget the people I left behind, trying hard to pretend they're better off without me as I am better off without them.<br />
<br />
Our issues seem insurmountable, but maybe they aren't. The trolls <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06ocF-opjiA" target="_blank">sing a song about fixer-uppers</a> which is about marriage and romance, but it also addresses blood-family. <b>"Everyone’s a bit of a fixer-upper, that’s what it’s all about! Father! Sister! Brother! We need each other to raise us up and round us out." </b><br />
<br />
Getting to the point of acceptance is the hardest part. Unconditional love isn't loving in spite of differences; it's loving <i>because</i> of the differences. Unconditional love has no room inside it for wishing the other person were different. We can wish they'd treat us better, and set boundaries towards that end, but when we want them to act a certain way so we can pretend they are a fantasy version of themselves? That is very selfish indeed. That's alot of strings attached, enough to turn our loved-one into a puppet.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.savagechickens.com/images/chickenlove2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.savagechickens.com/images/chickenlove2.jpg" height="319" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love you...<br />
I just don't approve of your choice to be a chicken.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The way I choose to live is a very spiritual path for me, uplifting, deep. Like Elsa, I feel ostracized for being who I am. In "Let It Go", when she sings the words, "No right or wrong, no rules for me", it's because those rules don't fit her the same way fit the others. She's decided "the perfect girl is gone" because she has a new standard of perfection all her own. This feeling is reflected in the lyrics of the radio version by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHue-HaXXzg" target="_blank">Demi Lovato</a>, "<a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/let-it-go-lyrics-demi-lovato.html" target="_blank">Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe; I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve</a>".<br />
<br />
<b>Having gone through that, it really is a weight thrown off. </b><br />
<br />
It's sad that by creating her own standard and cutting those strings, Elsa has to isolate herself: "Standing frozen in the life I've chosen, you won't find me, the past is so behind me, buried in the snow."<br />
<br />
Elsa does eventually find acceptance among her people, but the movie fails to explain how this happens. The implication is that it magically happens once she comes to accept herself. In real life, it's kind of that simple, but not really. The reality is that some people will accept you. Others will reject you even more. Still others will reject you at first, and then slowly decide that love is more important–and more effective–than trying to form everyone else into a standard of false perfection.<br />
<br />
In my case, whether talking about autism or religion, self-acceptance is my priority. If I have to reject myself to be accepted by others, their love isn't worth it. I would rather live my life in the best way <i>I</i> know how, and let them come around to me, if they want. In many ways, this is my "kingdom of ice-olation", but it's a price I am willing to pay.Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-67466097072637236782014-02-18T17:05:00.000-08:002014-08-14T14:01:41.229-07:00RadCon 6B ReportWhat an amazing <a href="http://www.radcon.org/" target="_blank">RadCon</a> was at its best this year. It's not just me saying that, but <a href="http://blog.jonestales.com/?p=42" target="_blank">all</a> the <a href="http://www.journeysincolor.net/blog/2014/2/radcon-photos-and-thoughts" target="_blank">blog</a> posts and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/radcon/" target="_blank">Facebook</a> reviews say the same. I was left yesterday being completely exhausted, that type of bone-weary you feel in every cell, like when you're sick, only without any symptoms. Today, after resting up, I'm bursting with post-con energy.<br />
<br />
I was a panelist again this year, but this time it wasn't a last-minute thing, so I had participated in the programming process from the beginning. Liz was trying to keep everyone with a maximum of five panels to avoid wearing us out, but I'm greedy. I like sitting around a table talking about things I know and am passionate about. So I asked her for more. I ended up with eight, including my reading. On top of that, <a href="http://www.niwawriters.com/" target="_blank">NIWA</a> scheduled me for five hours running the table in the small press room. Even though this meant I had zero time to see the rest of the con, I don't regret it for a second.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7XV05KTQWTrCDffLfgpw09ie8uv1Lypn690T6gurto0v4y8Ea3AuXFD23FEYRqdr7EKS1w0c2KMV10tTwq14Th5BO18kPZYL1sSO9oOXB6ffIhPBRuBUuQ0RGSkKsEmTFZoS8xdtgack/s1600/AndrewWilliams-Luna+Reading.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7XV05KTQWTrCDffLfgpw09ie8uv1Lypn690T6gurto0v4y8Ea3AuXFD23FEYRqdr7EKS1w0c2KMV10tTwq14Th5BO18kPZYL1sSO9oOXB6ffIhPBRuBUuQ0RGSkKsEmTFZoS8xdtgack/s1600/AndrewWilliams-Luna+Reading.JPG" height="256" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Luna Lindsey reading <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/magazine/008-touch-of-tides/" target="_blank">Touch of Tides</a><br />
from Crossed Genres magazine.<br />
Photo by <a href="http://www.journeysincolor.net/blog" target="_blank">Andrew Williams</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This is the first Radcon where I never stepped one foot inside the dealers room or the gaming room. There simply wasn't time.<br />
<br />
Friday began at 2pm with a last-minute panel because someone else had canceled. It was Professionalism in Indie Publishing, in which I met or re-met some great fellow indie authors and publishers, <a href="http://kayethornbrugh.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Kaye Thornbrugh</a>, <a href="http://mikechinakos.weebly.com/" target="_blank">Mike Chinakos</a> (former president of NIWA), and <a href="http://www.davidboop.com/" target="_blank">David Boop</a>. We talked about the importance of presenting a professionally written and formatted book, acting professionally, and the differences between individual self-publishing and independent publishers.<br />
<br />
At 4:30, I moderated my first panel ever, Picture This! This is an unusual panel, and my second time doing it. It's a really fun exercise. Three authors (myself, <a href="http://blog.jonestales.com/" target="_blank">Peter "Frog" Jones</a>, and <a href="http://www.sevantownsend.com/" target="_blank">S. Evan Townsend)</a>, read some fiction, while pro authors and audience members (if they want), draw a sketch inspired by the reading. The Pro artists included <a href="http://www.schlockmercenary.com/" target="_blank">Howard Tayler</a>, <a href="http://www.herbleonhard.com/Gallery.html" target="_blank">Herb Leonhard</a>, and <a href="http://www.johnrgrayiii.com/" target="_blank">John Gray</a>. It's a really great way for artists and writers to mingle. Our two creative crafts can play off one another so well. I've been inspired by art, and as they proved in the panel, it works in the other direction.<br />
<br />
I read a draft of my as-yet unpublished story, "Meltdown in Freezer Three", which included vivid images of ice cream trucks and praying mantises. Here are the three different interpretations of my story:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-P8F8vDF_1-srGvlFa3qNNH-32seQXcwG0V9iKgwEUQ2_Veq94JSBlxuhuWd4xr2zEKgp9AxKPzMVDmLsOC7_WZHsssWmzfIGBEjVRcdyG1NBZv_XziGA06zvXQzxdkZJvb66QU1rlA/s1600/HowardTayler-Meltdown.jpg-large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-P8F8vDF_1-srGvlFa3qNNH-32seQXcwG0V9iKgwEUQ2_Veq94JSBlxuhuWd4xr2zEKgp9AxKPzMVDmLsOC7_WZHsssWmzfIGBEjVRcdyG1NBZv_XziGA06zvXQzxdkZJvb66QU1rlA/s1600/HowardTayler-Meltdown.jpg-large.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Howard Tayler - Meltdown in Freezer Three</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a name='more'></a><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs8sWgqlVLD1fK_47HbjVdtuq4lEe-W3NS3kU9fmbMhwg3IWIpG296CRllrkURzC5Zpx873kVre2YpMm1xCEHw8In9AiMJ78WYys_4B0_Zj3cSFoNgBEkR5tHOR03SsUlekbUFoT0kY50/s1600/John+Gray-Meltdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs8sWgqlVLD1fK_47HbjVdtuq4lEe-W3NS3kU9fmbMhwg3IWIpG296CRllrkURzC5Zpx873kVre2YpMm1xCEHw8In9AiMJ78WYys_4B0_Zj3cSFoNgBEkR5tHOR03SsUlekbUFoT0kY50/s1600/John+Gray-Meltdown.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">John Gray - Meltdown in Freezer Three</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo8CjiiCLM2M1yQf5GXSr9ULwWj6lCcOELgqT-qg8zecatRvBtmt9iRgjgEifdNESCXL2ALs2Cc_nZyWm6Dm6RdAEtUesY2BpRwhm6VA8JK74tBbr14TC8caZl12pqxK9fxEW072YilSE/s1600/Herb+Leonhard-Meltdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo8CjiiCLM2M1yQf5GXSr9ULwWj6lCcOELgqT-qg8zecatRvBtmt9iRgjgEifdNESCXL2ALs2Cc_nZyWm6Dm6RdAEtUesY2BpRwhm6VA8JK74tBbr14TC8caZl12pqxK9fxEW072YilSE/s1600/Herb+Leonhard-Meltdown.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Herb Leonhard - Meltdown in Freezer Three</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Frog read from his novel, <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/16081593-grace-under-fire" target="_blank">Grace Under Fire</a>, which featured a ferocious, misunderstood raccoon at a mall.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbaXbZzBtDfxcDZyFOxx-vCE73TS_dGmnbmx9ON6mk_6GD57shrqS8iyMXDmwzC9fXbTAAul4XJ7GgXp8OJItoYG5TaqzfFW8Lts0QKbFd9TV29uDiIdipwNlG5yBSLZrCxL9eZ384qSM/s1600/Howard+Tayler-Grace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbaXbZzBtDfxcDZyFOxx-vCE73TS_dGmnbmx9ON6mk_6GD57shrqS8iyMXDmwzC9fXbTAAul4XJ7GgXp8OJItoYG5TaqzfFW8Lts0QKbFd9TV29uDiIdipwNlG5yBSLZrCxL9eZ384qSM/s1600/Howard+Tayler-Grace.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Howard Tayler - Grace Under Fire </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujgKFDvtB6vy7E0nvtJx9n9vUTaThuT0Q_1c8J1d0YYPAzEpeGaP8hhcqKFRZ4kuE5bbz96nMhxN3FO0HFFTAuwLXfZwYwPUvCXMb2rNn7J2pNsSRlKrd5Nhgi6VAI8Hj1MOBQ_Pm7aQ/s1600/Herb+Leonhard-Grace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujgKFDvtB6vy7E0nvtJx9n9vUTaThuT0Q_1c8J1d0YYPAzEpeGaP8hhcqKFRZ4kuE5bbz96nMhxN3FO0HFFTAuwLXfZwYwPUvCXMb2rNn7J2pNsSRlKrd5Nhgi6VAI8Hj1MOBQ_Pm7aQ/s1600/Herb+Leonhard-Grace.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Herb Leonhard - Grace Under Fire</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN9QWxjy2624FYTvMOwrMv5vNIsZgUZz5iCjN2AcfMWH1zzNvtB8okpM_3FzxX4oFxUh84JfHErJBwGCmpbjpk2yP5GOc9nUdwtx7WuoRA2zmXfA4nWkkZmngNoA-1Kdb1qw9BvZEsDrc/s1600/John+Gray-Grace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN9QWxjy2624FYTvMOwrMv5vNIsZgUZz5iCjN2AcfMWH1zzNvtB8okpM_3FzxX4oFxUh84JfHErJBwGCmpbjpk2yP5GOc9nUdwtx7WuoRA2zmXfA4nWkkZmngNoA-1Kdb1qw9BvZEsDrc/s1600/John+Gray-Grace.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">John Gray - Grace Under Fire</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And S. Evan read from his novel, Hammer of Thor, which featured martial artist combat with magic.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh322MYhyxCZu6FZQx3qsr-vVi38DRrA_VQkzumCiDpWNmj2LQ_X0HHwpUZr7N4_OxAQeNjTW5Qa6Qt5gHkNBtrs1Z4SJL0XtZrkpxF1WPftV-BgPsRCBAUmQl9zrgb47AXmm0xJqEdkTs/s1600/Howard+Tayler-Thor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh322MYhyxCZu6FZQx3qsr-vVi38DRrA_VQkzumCiDpWNmj2LQ_X0HHwpUZr7N4_OxAQeNjTW5Qa6Qt5gHkNBtrs1Z4SJL0XtZrkpxF1WPftV-BgPsRCBAUmQl9zrgb47AXmm0xJqEdkTs/s1600/Howard+Tayler-Thor.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Howard Tayler - Hammer of Thor</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJTxyCsvF_dfe_LqeHj8xZax97deFx9PKQ7az4coBhr7wWNNmkrl3KSg7fFHsP_x7X44P-JuPlrzb2VC4qafpTNKVmw5H55LaAnnwM3rOR71fzYeH1im0lw74yMA9sQV1NvA-gi-i0UIk/s1600/Herb+Leonhard-Thor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJTxyCsvF_dfe_LqeHj8xZax97deFx9PKQ7az4coBhr7wWNNmkrl3KSg7fFHsP_x7X44P-JuPlrzb2VC4qafpTNKVmw5H55LaAnnwM3rOR71fzYeH1im0lw74yMA9sQV1NvA-gi-i0UIk/s1600/Herb+Leonhard-Thor.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Herb Leonhard - Hammer of Thor</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV08i1S0ySpx0Xmgg127bktDMm2L08w1a1XrdFPkR0XGYX-Y5CaKP2zS36YQ47LBzTtAYyfWbgWem-k9shbC9fOl0y_sZkuxNDWLWtW4W97PxtupOkXu-kzZvvXCGIioxsLPKulCUUacQ/s1600/John+Gray-Thor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV08i1S0ySpx0Xmgg127bktDMm2L08w1a1XrdFPkR0XGYX-Y5CaKP2zS36YQ47LBzTtAYyfWbgWem-k9shbC9fOl0y_sZkuxNDWLWtW4W97PxtupOkXu-kzZvvXCGIioxsLPKulCUUacQ/s1600/John+Gray-Thor.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">John Gray - Hammer of Thor</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I had my reading after that. I read <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/magazine/008-touch-of-tides/" target="_blank">Touch of Tides</a>. Last year the room was almost empty, but this year it was half full! I really enjoy reading aloud for audiences.<br />
<br />
For the evening's work, we had some lifestyle and adult themed panels, which were new to RadCon. My partner Roland joined me on both panels.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img1.imagesbn.com/p/9780061707810_p0_v1_s260x420.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://img1.imagesbn.com/p/9780061707810_p0_v1_s260x420.JPG" height="320" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061707813/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0061707813&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20" target="_blank">Sex At Dawn</a> <br />
The anthropology of non-monogamy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The first, Polyamory Revival, was a look at some of the history and anthropology of nonmonogamy and how it's coming back. Other panelists included <a href="https://www.facebook.com/amanda.l.baldwin.5" target="_blank">Amanda Baldwin</a>, Ari Goldstein, Jonathan Thomas, and Frog Jones. The room was absolutely packed. As in, people sitting on the floor, standing, and we were turning people away.<br />
<br />
I really liked this format. Often these sorts of panels are 101 courses. Giving a subject to talk around still allowed us to disseminate basic information, but also gave the topic multiple dimensions. It made the topic <i>matter</i>. It also means that oddly, we never once used the term "primary" (a definition of a poly relationship which is the first or most important), which a Poly 101 panel certainly would have had. Just an interesting factoid.<br />
<br />
The next panel was 50 Shades of Consent, which was technically supposed to be about how to write BDSM, but that was just an excuse. *grin* It was really more of a BDSM 101 panel, though because it was tied to the concept of literature, we did get to add that extra dimension of talking about how it is portrayed in books like <a href="ttp://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345803485/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0345803485&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20" target="_blank">50 Shades of Grey</a>. The panel was not quite as full, but even then, we did have people standing. Also on this panel were Amanda Baldwin, Ari Goldstein, and Frog Jones.<br />
<br />
Saturday I spent at the NIWA table. It was pretty slow in the back of the small press room, but I sold a few copies of <a href="ttp://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1475138482/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1475138482&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20" target="_blank">Emerald City Dreamer</a> and the books of other members as well. I got to spend more time with some fellow NIWA members, which is great because they're mostly in Portland and I don't get to spend time with them. Specifically, I talked with <a href="http://thetenthword.com/" target="_blank">Brad Wheeler</a>, <a href="http://www.tonyamacalino.com/" target="_blank">Tonya Macalino</a> (who also writes urban fantasy), Kaye Thornbrugh (who also writes about fairies), Mike Chinakos, and <a href="http://kzmillers.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Kami</a> & <a href="http://www.chirontraining.com/Site/Home.html" target="_blank">Rory Miller</a>, as well as other small press people like David Boop and <a href="http://peterjwacks.com/" target="_blank">Peter Wacks</a>. Plus some people I'm sure I've forgotten.<br />
<br />
I was originally dismayed at the potential <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/10/splines-theory-spoons-metaphor-for.html" target="_blank">spoon-cost</a> of spending five straight hours at this table, but I'm so glad I did it. It also let me talk to readers, sign a couple of autographs, and run into old friends I used to know from the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tri-Cities,_Washington" target="_blank">Tri-Cities</a> where RadCon is held. The theme of this RadCon for me was "networking", and working in the small press room was a huge part of that.<br />
<br />
At 8pm, I had another panel, Gender and Sexuality, with Roland Lindsey & <a href="http://www.tamraexcell.com/" target="_blank">Tamra Excell</a> (I'm in relationships with both of them), <a href="http://vossfoster.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Voss Foster</a>, and <a href="http://www.rhiannonlouve.com/" target="_blank">Rhiannon Louve</a>. We had a lively and participating audience, many of whom had reason to relate to various kinds of gender nonconformity. It was awesome to bring a beacon of validation to the Tri-Cities – I used to live there and know how isolating my old small town can be. We covered many gender-related topics, including trans issues and male/female gender roles and expectations in general. Since Facebook had just announced their <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2014/02/heres-a-list-of-58-gender-options-for-facebook-users/" target="_blank">58 gender choices</a>, it was a perfect way to talk about non-binary genders as well. And we skirted the edge of feminism and how male roles can be just as restrictive and confusing, especially for a modern generation of boys who are not given clear roles to follow. A broad topic, to be sure.<br />
<br />
Saturday night was party night! The small press room had a party, so we started there. Then we party hopped and passed out private invites, until we went back to our room to prepare. Roland can really throw a great party, and he hosted a wonderful closed-door private shindig. He went all out with the snacks and cocktails. The bathtub was full of ice and beer and some nameless unconscious guy who is now missing a kidney. We attracted an all-star cast of wonderful people, GoHs, Pros, old friends, and new friends we'd made at the con. And really, really old friends I'd forgotten I'd known. Nineteen years at the same con will do that to me.<br />
<br />
At some point, Roland and I did a small "dance" performance that involved music and rope. This is why private parties are the best. I was going to make a [REDACTED] joke, but I figure whatever you'd imagine would be far more risqué than what actually happened. Oh, except for the [REDACTED] part which actually did happen.. ;)<br />
<br />
Sunday, I awoke bright and early to pack up my stuff and make it to the 11:15 panel in time: Getting Into the Mind of the Religious Fanatic for the purposes of writing. I was accompanied by DiAnne Berry, Rhiannon Louve, Elizabeth Guizzetti, and guy Letourneau. I talked about mind control and cognitive dissonance. We talked about the myths and "cardboard cutout" stereotypes of cult followers and leaders, and some of the realities and what it takes to make a believable zealot. It got a bit dark, talking about poverty culture, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Jones" target="_blank">Jim Jones</a>, and terrorists, and there were some differences of opinion on whether "fear" or "joy" are the main motivators of religious fanatics. (My conclusion is that it is both.) All in all a very stimulating panel.<br />
<br />
Immediately after was my last panel, Writing <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurodiversity" target="_blank">Neurodiversity</a>, with <a href="http://www.dianneberry.com/" target="_blank">DiAnne Berry</a>, Tamra Excell, <a href="http://grayconnections.wordpress.com/about-janet/" target="_blank">Janet Freeman-Daily</a>, S. Evan Townsend, and Peter Whacks. We were all immensely qualified, given our varied background as educators, parents, and relatives of neurodiverse people, and all of us neurodiverse ourselves. Perhaps the panel focused a little too much on autism as the main example, since it's the brain-flavor of the month (plus the one several of us were most familiar with). Other than that, we discussed many aspects of different brains and how to get beyond the stereotypes we see on TV. Included were discussions of learning differences (instead of learning disabilities) and how neurodiversity contributes to society.<br />
<br />
I didn't really see much of the con other than these panels. Cosplay seemed A++, including Chamberlain, the skeksis from <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083791/" target="_blank">The Dark Crystal</a>. Cosplayed by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ryan.wells.88" target="_blank">Ryan Wells</a>. But I was busy and didn't chase him down to get a good look.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7VpamH2mKqVUv-ZVeb5nvZ9jT29AsFM39ctVqbk3vVk1K3xixKiliWfnp-OCPkJWOyWsbrEzSNHsFaB6dUbuGuzVLGALSe1I3OwQRbQjVKZ8ZqW2qe7dC_TydHLtrgWlE7S1H2BgkonI/s1600/Photo+by+Cassandra+Smith+from+Facebook-Ryan+Wells+Skeksis+Cosplay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7VpamH2mKqVUv-ZVeb5nvZ9jT29AsFM39ctVqbk3vVk1K3xixKiliWfnp-OCPkJWOyWsbrEzSNHsFaB6dUbuGuzVLGALSe1I3OwQRbQjVKZ8ZqW2qe7dC_TydHLtrgWlE7S1H2BgkonI/s1600/Photo+by+Cassandra+Smith+from+Facebook-Ryan+Wells+Skeksis+Cosplay.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Cassandra Smith</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Many have commented on the low average age at RadCon, and that's because, in the Tri-Cities, it's the one geek party of the year. For me, living there, it was the one time I felt at "home". As my home con, it never fails to disappoint, but this year, lots of people who have never been to the area also seemed to enjoy it greatly. It hails itself as "The big con with a little con feel". That's exactly it. It's intimate. You meet people and see the same faces over and over, that don't get lost in the crowd. Yet there are still ~2000 people there along with tons of events and things to do.<br />
<br />
If you've never been to RadCon, give it a shot next year. If I've done the math right, next year will be my 20th RadCon. And I'm ecstatic.<br />
<br />
UPDATE: Fittingly, while I was gone, I received my print copy of Crossed Genres Magazine 2.0 Book Two Anthology. This was here waiting for me when I got home:<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6wyrgPpTtHTi71lKSqAPZwTQu9X7LUkwV_n06hhxe0KJHyXCOGRC6Y7J1R8rSCQKQBhBbKoEkkz153BNv9ZgxvMGc3gzcEv66Gprrz_ZllZXmLUq1_NEmFGSppKHWpKDsYVTDjqPVW68/s1600/CrossedGenresBook2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6wyrgPpTtHTi71lKSqAPZwTQu9X7LUkwV_n06hhxe0KJHyXCOGRC6Y7J1R8rSCQKQBhBbKoEkkz153BNv9ZgxvMGc3gzcEv66Gprrz_ZllZXmLUq1_NEmFGSppKHWpKDsYVTDjqPVW68/s1600/CrossedGenresBook2.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1jGp0MNDpPLXVIIvPFRP4Dc8FPB7rzX2_7X4-VCWX0rEGEOk84gB86vevedTywqyjZ2rAGE1E224EvPtljaP5TVYQ62bmM6FffTyTW-mbNtOns935-SIUoHHVTi7rGA8Wcq6y81_5v6Y/s1600/CrossedGenresBook2+page.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1jGp0MNDpPLXVIIvPFRP4Dc8FPB7rzX2_7X4-VCWX0rEGEOk84gB86vevedTywqyjZ2rAGE1E224EvPtljaP5TVYQ62bmM6FffTyTW-mbNtOns935-SIUoHHVTi7rGA8Wcq6y81_5v6Y/s1600/CrossedGenresBook2+page.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
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Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-19204450769443145862014-02-13T15:07:00.002-08:002014-02-13T15:07:39.223-08:00RadCon 6b ScheduleIf you're in the Tri-Cities, WA (my hometown), come see me at <a href="http://www.radcon.org/programming/" target="_blank">RadCon</a> this weekend! Their tagline is "The big con with the little con feel", and that's true.<br />
<br />
I'm on many panels this weekend and am also manning the <a href="http://www.niwawriters.com/" target="_blank">NIWA</a> book-selling booth in the Small Press room.<br />
<br />
Here is my schedule:<br />
<br />
<b>Friday: </b><br />
<br />
<b>2pm – Indie Professionalism in Self-Publishing</b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><br />
2205<br />
Do you have what it takes to be a successful indie? Selling your book to hundreds of readers requires more skill than selling it to a single editor (not less). Discussing professional behavior in networking, PR, and dealing with rejection.<br />
<b>With:</b> Willich, Dameon Thornbrugh, Kaye Chinakos, Mike Boop, David<br />
<br />
<b>4pm – Picture This!<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></b><br />
Fan Suite<br />
Everyone has a mental movie that plays as we read. Our writers bring bits of story to share for artists to sketch to. Beginners and experts welcome!<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><br />
<b>With:</b> Jones, Peter Sturgeon, Jeff Townsend, S. Evan<br />
Tayler, Howard, Gray III, John Hall, Vandy Leonhard, Herb<br />
<br />
<b>6:30pm – Reading "Touch of Tides" </b>2209<br />
<br />
<b>8pm – Polyamory Revival</b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><br />
2205<br />
Polyamory is returning to mainstream consciousness with hit shows like “Polyamory: Married and Dating” on Showtime and feature stories in major news outlets. There are several misconceptions about polyamory, the first being that it is a “new” type of relationship model. Learn how polyamory is from times of old, how agriculture and property ownership changed family dynamics, and how certain polyamory models are especially empowering for women. Enjoy the discussion, and walk away with suggested readings to further your knowledge on this fascinating subject.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><br />
<b>With:</b> Jones, Peter Goldstein, Ari Baldwin, Amanda Thomas, Johnathan Lindsey, Roland<br />
<br />
<b>9:15 – 50 Shades of Consent<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></b><br />
2205<br />
With the success of books like 50 Shades of Grey, more people than ever are reading about BDSM. But when writing about it, what are some misunderstandings or common errors to avoid? How can writers present it in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual?<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><br />
<b>With:</b> Jones, Peter Thomas, Johnathan Baldwin, Amanda Lindsey, Roland<br />
<br />
<b>Saturday:</b><br />
<br />
<b>11am-4pm – NIWA Booksales Booth</b> - Small Press Room (2209?)<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1475138482/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1475138482&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20" target="_blank">Emerald City Dreamer</a> will be available for sale in print the whole weekend. Come during this time and get it signed!<br />
<br />
<b>8pm – Gender and Sexuality<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></b><br />
Fan Suite<br />
How do the gender roles society places on us affect our behavior and steer morality, self-esteem, even legal code? How about sexual preferences, gender identity and asexuality? Be prepared for a lively and open discussion!<br />
<b>With:</b> Foster, Voss Excell, Tamra Lindsey, Roland Louve, Rhiannon<br />
<br />
<b>Sunday:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>11:15am – Getting into the mind of the Religious Fanatic<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></b><br />
2203<br />
Uber villain or bit player, what are they like? Are there any useful generalizations? Are they likely to be suicidal and does that depend on the religion or the person?<br />
<b>With:</b> Louve, Rhiannon Guizzetti, Elizabeth Letourneau, Guy<br />
<br />
<b>12:30pm – Writing Neurodiversity<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></b><br />
2203<br />
Creating neurodiverse characters with autism, Aspergers, ADHD, bipolar, OCD, and synesthesia, can give your writing new dimensions. Come learn the right way to represent these unique strengths and weaknesses.<br />
<b>With:</b> Berry, DiAnne Freeman-Daily, Janet Townsend, S. Evan Wacks, Peter<br />
<br />
As you can see, it's a very busy con. Come see me!<br />
<br />Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-25914202701044921242014-01-27T11:33:00.001-08:002014-01-27T12:20:05.806-08:00Label Me, Illuminate MeThe label-debate rages on, and now that I know I have autism, I have firmly come down on one side: I am in favor of labels.<br />
<br />
Labels can be used to dehumanize, to misconstrue, to overgeneralize, and to blind us to a person's humanity and individuality. As Wayne said, "If you label me, you negate me".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUDOfU0N4d-ssBfFx7ZkGyelByMM9hqyLPNMj92H-J9ZgGMk2N21kw_sBEmXA8KNBDVH1X6rI3cvJf_wI1558Kei9fLQdIFJ18xsCu9d9Wm7jaX4vO1HF67aC28EB6-_oLwTXjH4TY2tA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-23+at+2.36.18+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUDOfU0N4d-ssBfFx7ZkGyelByMM9hqyLPNMj92H-J9ZgGMk2N21kw_sBEmXA8KNBDVH1X6rI3cvJf_wI1558Kei9fLQdIFJ18xsCu9d9Wm7jaX4vO1HF67aC28EB6-_oLwTXjH4TY2tA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-23+at+2.36.18+PM.png" height="182" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV9U23YXgiY" target="_blank">Preach it, Wayne.</a><br />
Then party on.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Actually, it was the philosopher <a href="http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard" target="_blank">Søren Kierkegaard who originally said this</a>. <a href="http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080612165044AAhnP2J" target="_blank">"Butterflygirl" on Yahoo Answers summarized</a> Kierkegaard thusly:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Once you label someone you cancel out their own individuality and replace it within the boundaries of that label, so their individually has been restricted within that label and therefore, for all those who accept that label for that person they have no longer accepted that person for who they really are but understand them only to the limit of that label.</blockquote>
And I know all too well from my research into <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/05/mind-control-101-myths-of-brainwashing.html" target="_blank">mind control</a> that <a href="http://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples/loaded-language-examples.html" target="_blank">loaded language</a> combined with us vs. them techniques can indeed leverage labels to negate an individual and render her selfless. It can be used to dismiss external points of view. Labels can make a group insider feel benevolent and normal while demonizing outsiders as inhuman and evil.<br />
<br />
Many people fairly point out that labels, particularly psychological labels, can divide people. Labels can become truth. We are all individuals, but dumping thousands or millions of people into the same bucket removes some sense of self. Being labeled in school can make kids a target of bullying, not just from other kids but from teachers as well. It can impose expectations in education and in the workplace and among peers. Labeling can trigger tribalism and hostility. <b>When people are unfairly labeled, they end up filling the role others expect of them.</b><br />
<br />
I've met people in person and read blog posts from people who hate all labels. Here's a dude summing up this line of thought:<br />
<br />
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<br />
These are certainly valid drawbacks, but like The Spork of Truth, it has four tines. Hm, no I need something else... Like the Spoon of Truth, it has <i>two</i> edges. The same aspects that make labels problematic also give labels power. And when your label has power, you have power.
<br />
<a name='more'></a>I used to feel neutral about labels. Now, with my diagnosis, I've made up my mind. I now celebrate and champion labels. Bring it. More labels for all! Yes, definitely beware of all the pitfalls that come with labeling, and then proceed with label punch in hand, like that <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Labels-Game-Show-Fantastic-Boyage/dp/B009Z1J4ES" target="_blank">one episode of Dexter's Lab</a>.
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.static.ovimg.com/episode/268751.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.static.ovimg.com/episode/268751.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dexter and Dee Dee battle one another <br />
for the right to label everything and then<br />
[SPOILERS SPOILERS]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
They say, "If you meet one person with Asperger's, you've met just one person with Asperger's." This applies to everyone on the spectrum. We are all very unique individuals and our traits manifest in thousands of different ways – just like the colors in a rainbow. So the label seems perhaps limiting. Yet those of us with autism have more in common with one another than we do with allists (non-autists). Knowing that is useful.<br />
<br />
I lived 38 years of my life without a label to accurately describe who I am. As a kid, a psychologist said I was "hyperactive", and in my 20s, I got an ADHD label from a psychiatrist. These labels helped my know myself a little, but were not accurate enough. All my other traits, which I now know were due to Asperger's, were just unique snowflake Luna oddness. Easily distracted, hyperfocused, shy, socially awkward, nerdy, impolite, smart, pedantic, pensive, weird, misunderstood, seemingly self-centered, anxious, difficult, distant... I projected these "personality traits" which, prior to last April, were merely marks of my individuality with no cause. In essence, all of my negative traits were "choices", bad things I did that I didn't understand, that I blamed myself for. Shortcomings with no solution. Without the label, people still perceived me as all those things. But I had no way to talk about it, and no way to understand. I beat myself up for not going out more, not talking at parties, not flirting, not being productive, for being lazy, for being depressed, for being scared, for forgetting birthdays and being inconsiderate and clumsy and absent-minded.<br />
<br />
It's not the <i>words</i> that made me view myself this way. The words are just handles attached to concepts. I saw myself this way without words, because I naturally compared myself with others… Other people had it together and I never quite knew why I didn't.<br />
<br />
<b>The words didn't make the reality. They only filtered it.</b> And they weren't filtering it very accurately.<br />
<br />
The label allowed me to understand why. "Autism" is a label with definitions, entire books and websites and scientific studies devoted to defining what it means. It's a handle I can wrap my fingers around and manipulate. It's connected to a vast network of related thoughts by those who think about and study and share my autism. Now I can google this label and find others talking about it. Anyone affected by autism can share our thoughts and find others like ourselves. Without the label, all this would be impossible.<br />
<br />
Moreover, I can tell those around me, "I have Asperger's", and that <i>means</i> something. It's not an excuse, it's a reason. It describes why I'm different. Many times people don't know what it means, or they have misconceptions, and the label itself gives me an opportunity to educate them. Now anyone who wants to understand me better has ahold of that same handle, and I can draw their attention to all the connections attached to the handle.
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="http://smashinghub.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/14-Impact-Label.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://smashinghub.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/14-Impact-Label.png" height="244" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">This is an actual font. Groovy.<br />
Available from <a href="http://smashinghub.com/free-ribbon-fonts.htm" target="_blank">Smashing Hub</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
That's the power inherent in words, in all words. As a society, we've agreed upon the meaning of these words. Words allow us to think and share our thoughts with one another. In the dystopic novel, <i>1984</i>, the goal of Big Brother was to eliminate words, reduce the language down to only those necessary for labor. Authorities knew that if no one had words like"Freedom" or "Rebellion", they could never imagine or communicate about those concepts. Orwell called this language <a href="http://www.newspeakdictionary.com/ns-prin.html" target="_blank">Newspeak</a>.<br />
<br />
Those who wish to eliminate labels may have good intentions, but their wish expresses a nihilistic cynicism, and the resulting language would stifle thought, discussion, and mutual understanding.<br />
<br />
<b>Knowing I have autism helps me understand myself.</b> And it's helped others understand me. Getting personal for a moment, my sister and I have been distant most of our lives. I never quite understood why, and neither did she. A few months ago, when I told her I had Asperger's, and explained to her what that meant to me, it opened whole new doors in our relationship. She revealed that all these years, my behavior confused her and that, among other things, I seemed self-centered. The new label gave us a way to talk about it, and an alternate explanation for my actions. My label gave us a pathway to get closer.<br />
<br />
That's the thing. Yes, we are who we are, unique snowflakes. And we act how we act. But without taking on one label, people will give us another. Maybe the label isn't a word. Maybe it's just an image or feeling in their mind. They ascribe reasons and motivations for why we do what we do. People are going to think things about us anyway. Misunderstanding and hate is not the fault of the label. That's an oversimplification. Reality is more complex than that.<br />
<br />
Labels give us a starting point to explore those assumptions and identify ways in which individuals differ from the stereotypes -- stereotypes that already exist, even without the labels.<br />
<br />
<b>Accurate labeling lets us be more in control of how other see us.</b> That's part of what the coming out movement is. It is owning that label and maybe even proud of it. You think I'm gay? Yes, I'm gay. (Bisexual actually.) It's a label, and it's part of why I'm a unique snowflake, and now you can't rob me of that, because I wield the word for my own ends.<br />
<br />
You think I'm weird? Yes, I'm weird. And I'm partly weird because I have Asperger's. Letting everyone know that helps them understand me more, not less. And if they still choose not to understand, well that's their problem. Not the label's problem.<br />
<br />
I have embraced labels and now I advocate for them. If you feel mislabeled, then find labels that better describe you, give them a big hug, and offer them to others as replacements. Use them as a starting point for further discussion. Maybe it's hard to find labels for yourself. So invent new ones. The process of thinking about how to describe yourself is an opportunity for greater self-awareness and self-actualization. You are building a language for your own mind to use about itself.<br />
<br />
And when you share those labels with others, maybe they'll accept your self-identification, and maybe they won't. But at least you have something to own, a handle to hold on to when the world knocks you around.<br />
<br />
<b>Let your labels illuminate you.</b>Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-1105269225659793472014-01-22T13:15:00.001-08:002015-12-22T13:53:46.137-08:00Persuade the BystandersThis post has to do with social justice – you know, topics like privilege, racism, sexism, classism, ablism, and all the other ignorant and/or hatey "isms" worth railing against. I'll get to those in a second.<br />
<br />
In the early 90s, while arguing politics on BBS message boards, I realized an important truth that I've carried with me always:<br />
<br />
<b>When people argue in public, they will almost never convince one another. But they <i>do</i> influence the lurkers. </b><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/o9SgB.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/o9SgB.png" height="170" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/itzwt/post_from_1993_has_anyone_tried_playing_doom_yet/" target="_blank">WWIV message boards</a><br />
My view of the world when I<br />
learned this important life lesson </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Sometimes the persuasion is instant. Now and then a lurker will timidly post and reveal that their minds have been changed. But most keep this fact to themselves. More often, the change is slow. These lurkers continue to follow similar arguments, until eventually, they are swayed by whichever side has collectively made the best case. I myself have drastically changed my mind on deeply held beliefs in this way, both by debating and merely watching debates. I've also seen it happen to other people. But it's rarely instant.<br />
<br />
It's hard to know that these neutral and persuadable lurkers exist. They are, by their nature, quiet. Very often, though not always, the more vocal a person is, the less likely they are to be convinced. So we tend to think everyone who doesn't use a megaphone is just like everyone who does. This is not true.<br />
<br />
I think about the topic of persuasion alot. I'm a writer. It's my job to persuade. I also love debate, a casual pastime since childhood. Roland makes a wonderful and challenging debate partner to help me better understand what works and what doesn't. On top of all that, I've studied mind control, otherwise known as "<i>coercive persuasion</i>" – the ability of manipulators to convince people against their will.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I've learned about why people believe things, and what factors make people change their minds, and why people sometimes never will, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/08/mind-control-101-cogs-of-dissonance.html" target="_blank">Cognitive Dissonance</a> is the mechanism we all employ to either accept or reject new ideas. It can be a very powerful barrier to persuading others that our position is correct. Cognitive dissonance is the source of all closed minds. There are ways around it – both ethical and unethical. I am more concerned with ethical persuasion.<br />
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I consider myself an activist. Anyone who publicly advocates for social justice, is, in my opinion, an activist. I am a woman and I have what some might call <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html" target="_blank">an invisible disability</a>. In all other areas, I am privileged, but I consider myself an ally against racism and other hateful thought systems. I firmly believe that everyone has a different life experience, and it is generally best to never dismiss anyone's position out of hand until I've done my utmost to understand – even if I don't agree.<br />
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Social media has opened a new door for activists. It allows the voices of oppressed individuals and classes be heard by all kinds of people who were previously isolated. The internet democratizes the population by giving everyone a printing press and a megaphone. It's a beautiful thing. And every activist, whether they know it or not, is in a position to persuade.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/81/Martin_Luther_King_-_March_on_Washington.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/81/Martin_Luther_King_-_March_on_Washington.jpg" height="320" width="305" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This guy is just like you. Everyone is listening.<br />
Choose well what you will say.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Presumably, our goal is to make society better. To reduce hate. To eliminate ignorance. To eliminate unfairness. To prevent harm and prosecute those who hurt others. To pass laws that create the most equal playing fields for all people. Everyone should have the same opportunities for success, regardless of outward differences that so many in our society tend to get hung up on. I want everyone to be treated with respect, even if they're a different color, or gender, or disabled, or attracted to the same gender, or all the other things I've failed to list here.<br />
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In a democracy, the best way to accomplish all of those goals is to be <i>persuasive</i>. Activism, when done right, is persuasive. Anything else is just preaching to the choir – it feels good, but nothing gets done.<br />
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Given that, there are certain trends I see among activists that disturb me for two reasons:<br />
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<ol>
<li>I don't consider these methods ethical. </li>
<li>These methods are not persuasive.</li>
</ol>
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The Outrage Machine is constantly producing new horrors to raise outrage. Sometimes I believe this machine is persuasive, and other times I don't. Sometimes I think it is <i>counter</i>-persuasive. And that concerns me. Because I'd like to see society improve. I'd like to employ the best tactics.<br />
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So when I apply my mind to social justice activism, the question often is, "How could this message be more convincing? How can it reach more people and change minds?" Sometimes, I speak up about tactics. And when I do, my views are controversial, often because they're mistaken for taking up the other side's position, or being an apologetic, or dismissing someone's views, or perhaps not being enough of a cheerleader for our side, nor supportive enough of the cheerleaders we have.<br />
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None of those are my goals. I'm not dismissing anyone. I am not being an apologist for the other side. I am not defending horrible behavior. I am merely goal-oriented and thinking about the best ways to achieve the goals that all online social justice activists share – more fairness and equality and tolerance for all.<br />
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So here's my controversial statement of the day, and I hope you'll hear me out. Allow me to persuade you before immediately dismissing my argument. Please know I understand the counter-arguments and have given this alot of thought.<br />
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I've seen a certain sentiment echoed via Twitter and the blogosphere, usually coming from an underprivileged person directed at a privileged person (i.e. woman or POC or disabled or trans* directed at a man or white person or cis), and it goes something like: <b>"It's not my job to educate you!"</b> It is often delivered in an angry or dismissive or antagonistic tone.<br />
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In terms of accomplishing the above goals, it is entirely counterproductive.<br />
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Yes, I do understand where this sentiment comes from. Especially when, say, a feminist of color has been asked 50,000 times by hostile racist misogynists to explain why she's so upset, and she's given the answer 49,999 times, and she's being asked to speak for her entire race <i>and</i> sex to flaming assholes who aren't listening anyway. Her anger is entirely justified. As is her weariness in the face of this seemingly <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus" target="_blank">Sisyphean</a> task. It is true, in fact, that <a href="http://lmgtfy.com/?q=why+does+everyone+keep+saying+I%27m+racist%3F" target="_blank">Google</a> is just a fingertip away, and all ignorance about any topic can be quickly dissolved like salt in water.<br />
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The endless questions themselves can be a rhetoric tool used to dismiss, belittle, and aggravate. So why waste even two seconds talking to those jerks?<br />
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<b>I get all that, I really do. </b><br />
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And I understand the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind" target="_blank">double-bind</a>. As a woman, I can choose to be labeled a bitch, or let people walk all over me. I am not allowed a middle ground. Similar thought-terminating cliches are employed to double-bind people of all other oppressed classes. I am not suggesting the answer is passivity and eternal politeness, bowing and scraping. Far from it.<br />
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And most especially, I understand that most oppressed people have no interest in activism and just want to live their lives without being bothered. They just want to be accepted as average and normal and don't want to go around thinking about their orientation, disability, or skin color. They just want to live. In this latter case, I think the "It's not my job" answer is most appropriate – it <i>isn't</i> your job.<br />
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But as activists and advocates, you actually have taken on the job. Maybe you only want it to be part time, but it's your job. By speaking up, you volunteered. It's a tough job, but worth doing.<br />
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<b>No</b>, it's not your job to educate the hostile instigator of controversy or the timeline troll who is just trying to raise everyone's hackles. That guy will <i>never</i> be convinced by anything you have to say. It's true. He is so enmired in his beliefs and has made public declarations of it, so his cognitive dissonance is nearly impenetrable. It is likely that when the world changes completely into a social utopia dreamworld, he will go to his grave willfully ignorant and hating.<br />
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Alas, educational and persuasive words are <i>not</i> meant for him. Your efforts are meant for the bystanders, the dozens, or hundreds, or even thousands of quiet lurkers. They're out there, neutral, or ignorant, or perhaps a bit racist or a bit sexist or any other *ist, but they don't feel too strongly about it. Not enough to join the argument. But they're curious, and they're watching each player make a case.<br />
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Pretend today the Outrage Machine has identified a new controversy and brought it to the rapt attention of the information-obsessed internet. Someone gets wrongly fired from a job, or groped at a con, or catcalled, or outed, or harassed, or murdered. Some person in power says something stupid, and advocates reply, and anti-advocates reply back and everyone's in an uproar for a few days. <i><b>This</b></i> is the chance to convince that silent neutral ignorant majority. They are all near the fence. They think sexism is over, or transwomen are just confused, or bisexuals don't exist, or Muslims are more protected than Christians, or any black kid has it coming because no one gets shot unless they deserve it, or whatever ignorant thing they believe. <b>This is the chance of advocates to <i>convince</i> those bystanders.</b><br />
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I believed many of those things once. And over time, effective arguments finally got to me. Advocates finally educated me. And not usually because I sought the information out on my own. Usually because people kept pointing me in the right direction.<br />
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That's the point of publicity. You hold a megaphone, just for a few minutes. You've gotten someone's attention. In this age of the information firehose, that's the hard part. Now how are you going to most effectively use it?<br />
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Even the small-time advocate who doesn't have a big platform, who rarely says much of anything, has a huge opportunity to convince these silent types, because their followers are their friends and family. We are much more influential to those who know us and like us personally. Yes, those Facebook debates are frustrating, because no one seems to listen, but the silent readers <i>are</i> paying attention.<br />
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This is how the most recent victories in marriage equality were won. A majority of the mainstream public was swayed, not through anger and righteous indignation, but through family members who came out of the closet and stood gentle yet firm on their rights to be gay and to love and commit to who they wanted. Eventually, few loving family members could imagine a world where government would bar their happy union.<br />
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Injustices happen every moment of every day. Outrage can spark quite an inflagration of justifiable anger that sadly, too often, turns to hostility, or ostracism, or <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/11/autism-and-shame.html" target="_blank">shaming</a>, or personal attacks, or blatant logical fallacies. And when this happens, you've lost the moral high-ground. You have ceased being persuasive to that silent, neutral, convincible audience. And then it doesn't matter how right you are. Because anyone who might have been listening will turn against your position. The opponent wins an easy victory. Score one for the trolls.<br />
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Even more tragic and destructive is when misdirected anger scares away fellow advocates and allies – even those in the same category as you (fellow women, POCs, LGBTs, etc). These are people who are already convinced of your position and want to help. They observe this open hostility and feel judged or lumped in with the haters because of a slight variance in opinion. They may already be marginalized by being themselves in the oppressed class, and now they feel marginalized further by activists who claim to be advocating on their behalf. They may become terrified to say anything, lest it be the wrong thing, lest your irate gaze turn instead on them. <a href="http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Intersectionality" target="_blank">Intersectional</a> individuals are even more at risk for this type of dismissal and marginalization.<br />
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I myself have been in this position amongst my fellow feminists, sometimes for defending intersectional classes (like <a href="http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2012/05/theres_nothing" target="_blank">advocating trans rights to rad fems</a>), and sometimes because my opinion on tactics differed. (<a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2011/08/dont-throw-boothbabe-out-with-pax-water.html" target="_blank">I'm generally against boycotts</a>, for instance.) I'm fine with people disagreeing with me, but I've also been actively shamed for holding these and other stances. Shaming, threatened ostracization, and personal attacks go too far.<br />
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This type of hostility makes it frightening for fellow advocates to contribute to the discussion. For instance, it made me hesitant to write this post. Thankfully, I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be silenced in the face of fear. Others are understandably more timid.<br />
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We need <i>more</i> diversity among our voices, not less. And more tolerance. Don't we believe that both diversity and tolerance lead to a better world? We need all the allies and advocates we can get, waving the banner, even if some choose to wave it differently than you. Punch <i>upward</i>, at the system, at the oppressors, at the powerful, at the bad guys. Don't punch sideways at the ally standing next to you just because she's easier to hit.<br />
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Oppressed people have much to be angry about, and I would never rob them of their anger. Anger is a valuable emotion. It motivates and feeds energy into individuals and groups and causes. I am not advocating for less anger – I am suggesting that those energies be channeled persuasively to produce the most positive outcomes.<br />
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(And in the moment of offense, especially when there is no audience, untamed anger very much has its place in defending individuals against in-progress assault or insult. I am not suggesting passivity or politeness when rights need to be asserted to a hostile *ist who insults and then demands to know why it was insulting. Since you likely will never convince <i>him</i>, that's the time to growl and spit, to say it's not your job, and to gently or not-so-gently direct him to Google. Or not. Depends on you and the situation.)<br />
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<b>Updated to add:</b> Sally Kohn puts it another way in her TED talk, "Let's Try Emotional Correctness".<br />
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<br />
And <a href="http://www.mattiebrice.com/on-anger/" target="_blank">Mattie Brice recently wrote about anger</a> in protesting the video games industry, suggesting we put behind us the demeaning hostility in 2013.<br />
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It's true that maintaining the moral high-ground can be exhausting. We can't do it all the time. Sometimes I tweet or blog my opinions. Sometimes I advocate. Sometimes I give the long answer.<br />
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And other times, I'm busy, I just direct people to others who have written more eloquently than I. Think about it: If, instead of saying, "Correcting your ignorance is not my responsibility," you suggest a well-known educational website or blog post on the topic, like <a href="http://ted.coe.wayne.edu/ele3600/mcintosh.html" target="_blank">Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack</a>. You not only give that hostile person a chance at graceful, face-saving redemption, but more importantly, it's another opportunity to distribute that content to every single one of your other followers, many whom may have missed that particular blog post, or have never been exposed to content that you think is obvious because you read it a decade ago.<br />
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There is much to be said for "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brand_awareness" target="_blank">brand awareness</a>", a tactic commercial marketers understand well. Every chance you have to retweet the same link to yet another person asking the same questions, your other followers will begin to see that content as legitimate and worth consuming. Maybe they meant to read it last month, and have forgotten. You're making it easy for them to educate themselves and maybe even join the cause.<br />
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Other times, the good fight becomes overwhelming. It's exhausting to be outraged all the time. That's when I take a break and let others pick up the banner. Sometimes I do this because I am far too emotional to think clearly. I'd rather sit out the Outrage Machine's churning than say something that loses points for my side. Because I want my team to win. It is possible to communicate "It's not my job" in a way that doesn't detract from the overall argument or your future ability to be persuasive. Like, "I don't have time to answer that right now. Could you please google 'cis privilege' on your own?" Or just remain silent. That gives the hostile troll the last word, but most likely, it will reflect worse on him than you.<br />
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It's true that my white, cis, thin, mostly-abled, * privilege gives me the luxury to sit alot of these out, a privilege not everyone may have. I realize that I live relatively free from various kinds of hostility that lets me take these breaks. It's a little easier for me, perhaps, to go on an anger diet, to step away from the keyboard when emotions run too high. In many ways, this might be "easy for me to say". I still think these suggestions are <i>tactically</i> the most effective, and worth employing whenever possible.<br />
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In the end, we all have our own journey and our own idea of what's right and wrong. It's your social media platform, so please, do with it what you will. But hopefully, I've been just a bit persuasive here.<br />
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Let's go out and change the world.Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-18189819404145246452014-01-13T15:36:00.000-08:002014-01-13T15:38:24.041-08:002013 Accomplishments - 2014 GoalsWhat a year. In reviewing my <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/2012-accomplishments-2013-goals.html">goals from last year</a>, looks like I got way off track, but I'm very pleased with what I accomplished.<br />
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This year, I:<br />
<ul>
<li>Was a panelist at <a href="http://www.radcon.org/">Radcon</a>.</li>
<li>Went to <a href="http://www.rainforestwriters.com/">Rainforest Writer's Retreat</a> and met lots of amazing people.</li>
<li>Sold <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/magazine/008-touch-of-tides/">a story</a> to a pro-paying market, <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/">Crossed Genres</a>. It will also come out in a <a href="http://crossedgenres.com/blog/crossed-genres-magazine-antho-2-cover-reveal/">print anthology</a> this year.</li>
<li>Gave one reading (at Radcon).</li>
<li>Released <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1475138482/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1475138482&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20">Emerald City Dreamer</a></i> in print.</li>
<li>I got diagnosed with <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html">Asperger's Syndrome</a>. And started becoming an expert on autism.</li>
<li>And now for something <i>completely different</i>, I wrote a 150,000 word nonfiction book, <i>Releasing Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control</i>. </li>
</ul>
One reason I didn't accomplish all of my 2013 goals is because of that little sidetrack. It's a book I had thought about writing based on my <a href="http://www.rationalrevelation.com/">mind control website</a> in 2005, forgotten about, and then on a whim decided to crank it out "real quick". The effort took 7 months (with distractions in between). It is currently out to alpha readers.<br />
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<i>Emerald City Iron</i> made it through the writer's group, and is ready for the next round of edits, when I can get to it.<br />
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I have a bunch of stories to submit, and one in particular is totally publishable. It's been rejected twice, both with a personal note from the editor, so I know it will sell. I just have to get it, and the others, out there. I set the bar pretty high for myself. I currently only submit stories to pro-paying markets until those venues are exhausted, and then I <i>might</i> send it to semi-pro markets. My time and <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/10/splines-theory-spoons-metaphor-for.html">splines</a> are fairly limited, so I'd rather spend time aiming at high targets, being a perfectionist, and working on totally unplanned projects. ;)<br />
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So my goals for this year:<br />
<ul>
<li>Publish <i>Recovering Agency</i> in print and ebook.</li>
<li>Market <i>Recovering Agency</i>, including launching a new website and giving interviews.</li>
<li>Be a panelist at Radcon again.</li>
<li>Be invited as a visiting pro at another con for 2015. Norwescon would be nice.</li>
<li>Speak at <a href="https://www.defcon.org/">Defcon</a>.</li>
<li>Speak elsewhere, either a seminar, or <a href="http://www.exmormonfoundation.org/">Exmormon Foundation</a>, or some convention related to cults or religion, on the topic of mind control.</li>
<li>Write a whole bunch of blog posts on autism and mind control.</li>
<li>Release <i>Emerald City Iron</i>.</li>
<li>Complete a major step in a novel: Either write the first draft of the next <i>Dreams by Streetlight</i> book or the second draft of <i>The Sun Never Rises</i>.</li>
<li>Sell two stories to pro-paying markets. I'd really love to sell to an anthology.</li>
</ul>
If that seems like alot, it's because it is. So we'll see. :) There's a significant chance I will be caught up in marketing <i>Recovering Agency</i> for many months. It's already generated plenty of interest. I need to be okay with dropping many of the above goals in trade for promoting a book that could really help people. And maybe pay some bills in the process.<br />
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So here's to 2014. May it be a very good year for all of us.Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-7961732536611333032013-11-06T14:49:00.000-08:002014-01-24T11:50:04.465-08:00Autism and Shame<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the end of the week when I literally wrote the chapter on shame (in my book <i>Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control</i>), I found myself curled up on my bed, sobbing, in the throes of a meltdown, feeling like the worst person on earth -- feeling vitally broken in all the ways that count -- feeling like the unresolvable source of pain for everyone around me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I was helpless to watch from somewhere within, knowing I was suffering from shame, but unable to think my way out of its cage.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>What is shame?</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The concepts of guilt and shame are frequently confused with one another. They both seem triggered by the same stimuli. Yet they are two distinct feelings with quite different implications and outcomes. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've seen two definitions of the differences that ring true to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first is that shame is related to your social position, while guilt is a personal feeling. That is, shame requires your sense of relation to others -- you have done something and others are exerting pressure on you to stop. OR, if they don't know what you've done, you are afraid they will find out because if they did, they would exert pressure on you. Whereas guilt is the knowledge that you've done something wrong, and you feel remorse and a desire to correct the behavior regardless of whether anyone else knows about it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The second difference is perhaps the most enlightening. Guilt is about what you have done; shame is about <i>who you are</i>. Guilt is, "I have done something bad". Shame is "I <i>am</i> bad".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Brené Brown gave two powerful TED talks on the concept of vulnerability that both focus heavily on the concept of shame. I cannot overstate this concept enough, so I will repeat it in her words: "</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"><span style="color: #222222;">Shame is a focus on self; guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is I am bad, guilt is I did something bad."</span></span></span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shame, no matter how powerful it feels, does nothing to alter behavior. Usually shameful feelings arise around behaviors which are difficult to correct, and so the motive to change quickly devolves into defensiveness or into hiding shameful behavior. Shame has been shown to be </span><a href="http://motherboard.vice.com/blog/shame-is-the-alcoholics-worst-enemy" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">highly counterproductive in combatting addictions</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, for instance. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guilt, on the other hand, can be useful in combatting behaviors. It is a sincere remorse and a drive to become a better person. Within guilt, there is the <i>possibility</i> to improve. Because there is no sense that the core self is damaged.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But when the self is inherently broken, then what is there to fix? Nothing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="s1"><a href="http://vimeo.com/4620966">According to Brown</a></span>, shame is so painful because it makes us feel unworthy of acceptance. It makes us feel alone. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To me, the feeling of shame is very closely related to the feeling of rejection. Both tell me I am unworthy of acceptance. Both emotions seek to push me from the tribe. Both say, "You are not enough like the others to belong."</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">A recent </span><a href="http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx" style="color: #222222;"><span class="s1">fMRI study on rejection</span></a><span style="color: #222222;"> showed that being rejected activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. According to the article, "As far as your brain is concerned, a broken heart is not so different from a broken arm." Researchers also found that this kind of emotional pain can be treated by taking Tylenol. (Keep this in mind next time you are tempted to wield shame as a weapon. If you are unwilling to punch someone, perhaps you shouldn't shame or ostracize them, either.)</span></span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So here I am. I know all this. I've spend decades getting healthy, reading all the self-help books, going through the therapies and support groups and memorizing daily affirmations. I have literally written the chapter on shame. I <i>know</i> better. I am even surrounded by people who I know love me, even though I hurt them sometimes. </span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And yet I still find myself on those dark nights, hating myself with every fiber of my being. Feeling like a horrible, worthless creature.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I get from Point A to Point B?</span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p3" style="color: #222222;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because I have Asperger's</span></b></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have a constant sense, when dealing with people, that sooner or later, I am going to say the wrong thing. Eventually, out of nowhere, the peaceful pond is going to erupt into a geyser. I spend significant energies managing that pond, keeping it still, but it always erupts.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From childhood, I've known this. This incontrovertible fact of life has been a part of me. I have been unacceptable in so many ways, being a nerd, being an introvert, but the worst crime of all is making social faux pas. Of <i>thinking</i> differently. Of thinking <i>so</i> differently that perfectly innocent utterances randomly cause people to cry, or turn away, or lash out, or get angry, or accuse me, or cease being my friend. I'm not so impaired as to be unable to recognize when I've done something wrong, though perhaps my brain should be merciful enough to grant me this relief.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My young self learned that the consequences for making such mistakes could be severe. The trauma built up over the years, compounding the punishment for screwing up. Now, not only do I have to deal with another person feeling bad because of the mysterious thing I did wrong, but I have to also deal with my own fears and pain which have been building into this near-PTSD level.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Putting in the effort to avoid these mistakes only works for so long. Because I have Asperger's. I will miss the social cues. Sometimes, everyone misses the social cues, but I have had a lifetime of doing so. </span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What may be the even more important distinction, I don't have the skills to <i>recover</i> from social mistakes. I can't gracefully apologize or flatter or smile my way out of trouble. I'm usually still stuck on Step 1: flabbergasted, trying to understand where I went wrong.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those of us on the spectrum, this is normal. We live life in the face of continual negative social feedback and the constant making of incomprehensible mistakes. And it is here where the dangers of shame lurk. Where no matter how many times I tell myself how wonderful and likable and lovable I am, I still find myself on those dark nights hating myself. Because I'd done it again.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is very easy to feel like nothing I do will improve my ability to be acceptable. After trying so hard and making so many mistakes, eventually I can't help but think of myself as intrinsically broken.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This topic is particularly important. I hope healing professionals and researchers will look into it on a scientific level and counsel their ASD clients accordingly. But it's possible they won't for a long time. </span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And yet, they should, because <a href="http://io9.com/autistic-children-are-28-times-more-likely-to-be-suicid-455633756"><span class="s1">suicidal ideation is 28 times more likely for autistic kids than neurotypical kids</span></a>. To me, this comes as absolutely no surprise. Aside from <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/09/the-year-i-survived-suicide.html"><span class="s1">my own struggles with suicide</span></a>, we already know from <a href="http://coping.us/focusonthemilitary/understandingsuicide.html"><span class="s1">other research</span></a> that three things are needed for the risk of suicide to be concerning: </span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<ul><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<li>Thwarted belongingness (I am alone)</li>
<li>Perceived burdensomeness (I am a burden)</li>
<li>Capability (I am not afraid to die)</li>
</span></ul>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shame sends two of these three messages: </span></div>
<ul style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<li>I am intrinsically unacceptable which will make me always be alone</li>
<li>I am inherently unfixable and therefore will always be a source of trouble for those who <i>do</i> love me.</li>
</ul>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And shame (and resulting anxiety and depression) causes so much pain, that the third ingredient is an easy leap. After suffering long enough, suddenly death seems like a relief.</span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is this deep sense that we will always be unacceptable that makes autists more likely to ideate. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So the real question is, how can we help autistic kids and adults feel acceptable in a world full of people who struggle to understand us as much as we struggle to understand them? Especially when we continue to bear the brunt and blame for the misunderstandings?</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Solutions</b></span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The day is far, far off when we can expect much from the world at large. But there are things we can do for ourselves, and, if we're fortunate enough to have a loving, and capable support network, we can help them understand and so they can give us what we need.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Affirmations.</b> For starters, when I feel this way, I often find relief from reading the <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt37546.html"><span class="s1">well-crafted and autism-specific affirmations</span></a> by <a href="http://www.aspie.com/"><span class="s1">Liane Holliday Willey</span></a> which are posted on the WrongPlanet forums. These work <i>most</i> of the time, except for when, for whatever reason, I'm feeling overly cynical and don't believe them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A great song full of affirmation-in-spite-of-flaws, that almost always makes me cry, is Alanis Morissette's "<a href="http://open.spotify.com/track/0jqTLHIqqh6oEP9iWef98c">That I Would Be Good</a>".</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Self-acceptance </b>for an aspie means accepting that you are fundamentally different. Because of these differences, there are many behaviors that will always be difficult or even impossible for NTs to accept, and you have to accept that, too. </span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Identify your <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html"><span class="s1">aspie</span></a> <a href="http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/12/21/aspie-strengths-and-superpowers/"><span class="s1">superpowers</span></a>.</b> These are examples of how ASD makes you particularly awesome. They are the other side of the coin, your X-ray vision to the kryptonite. For examples, see the two links at the beginning of the paragraph. Come up with your own list. During shame-filled times, go over them and remind yourself of your strengths.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Consider coming out.</b> According to Brené Brown, shame requires secrecy, silence, and judgement to survive. Without these things, it will die. Consider finding a safe space, free of judgement, either with safe family, or safe friends, or with a therapist, or online at a place like <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html"><span class="s1">WrongPlanet</span></a>. Bring your shameful moments to light. If you feel judged, then go back into your shell until you do find someplace safe.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you can, <b>explain your condition to others</b>. Point them to online resources and descriptions. While that doesn't necessarily help keep you from making the same mistakes and hurting people with them, it may help people feel less offended because they understand that the source of your mistakes isn't intentional.</span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The debate rages over whether autism is a disability, but here it may be useful to think of it as one. NTs don't have to struggle quite so hard to be understood or to avoid being misunderstood. Even though those behaviors are caused by your disability, you must <b>separate your behaviors from who you are</b>. </span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Remember that if your disability were something more obvious, like inability to walk or see, it would be unthinkable to shame you for avoiding stairs or not looking people in the eye. Sometimes you will miss social cues or not understand what's going on or forget someone's birthday or be late or dozens of other things. While this isn't an excuse, nor does it mean you should stop trying to do those things, it also means that if you fail them, it's nothing to be ashamed of. </span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>There may be unhealthy people in your life</b> who are compounding the issue. They may be incapable of separating behavior from the person and may be reinforcing shame while you are struggling to overcome it. That is something NTs also deal with, and is a subject of a great many books and therapies. When it comes to feeling shame and dealing with abuse, we're not terribly different from NTs, and those materials should be helpful. Just keep in mind we have additional factors which compound the issue, and we may feel shame and rejection more strongly or be more easily triggered by it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And lastly, here is a <a href="http://aspergersandmeblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/shame/">post by another aspie</a> who also struggles with shame, and how she deals with it. </span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p4" style="color: #222222;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No Shame</span></b></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I once overheard a caring mother say of her daughter, "She has no shame. She has Asperger's. She is incapable of shame." This mother meant well -- what she meant is that there are some things aspies do without regard or care to social customs. In that sense, we have no shame. </span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But in other areas, where it matters most, we know all too well that our lives have been one steady stream of rejections and social pitfalls. We walk cautiously through a minefield of shame.</span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We can build up heavy defenses against them, sometimes becoming unapologetic or defensive or even aggressive to avoid touching those mines. Other times, we take the timid approach, avoiding people whenever possible and accepting blame instantly, even when we don't know what we've done wrong. Sometimes I oscillate between these two extremes in the course of a single evening. </span></div>
<div class="p2" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
</div>
<div class="p1" style="color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nevertheless, shame is a barrier to intimacy. If we can find ways to grapple with it, no matter how powerful it seems, we'll have more opportunities for closer connections and freer, happier live</span><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">s.</span></div>
</div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-77925145714264214562013-10-14T15:17:00.000-07:002013-12-02T14:03:59.921-08:00Splines Theory: A Spoons Metaphor for Autism<div>
An incident occurred last week where my child unexpectedly needed a ride to school in the middle of my writing session. And it ruined my whole day. Why?<br />
<br />
I knew it had to do with <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html">Aspergers</a>, but I wanted to know more. Puzzling over this question, I went in search for the perfect metaphor to describe the experience.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I love the spoons metaphor for invisible disabilities. It describes a portion of my world, and it goes something like this: Every morning, most typical people wake up with infinite spoons. They don't even think of spoons as a resource because they almost never run out. They can easily choose to do this or that without risking much other than time consumption. Sure, they get tired by the end of a full day, but generally they have enough spoons to do all the normal things. It's a gift they take for granted.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Those with chronic pain or serious illness or certain types of mental illness, like <a href="http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html">depression</a>, only get twelve or twenty spoons a day. Each activity, even small things like getting dressed or making breakfast, takes a spoon. Careful choices must be made about how the spoons are spent; otherwise, they will be gone before the day is through. Or worse. A bad spoon-management choice might leave them without spoons for several days.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.wikia.com/matrix/images/a/a8/There_is_no_Spoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="134" src="http://images.wikia.com/matrix/images/a/a8/There_is_no_Spoon.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There is no spoon. It's just a theory.<br />
Which states aren't enough spoons.<br />
The word "spoon" is actually quite weird, when you think about it.<br />
Why is it called a spoon?<br />
Oh, <a href="http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=spoon">that's why</a>.<br />
It's still weird.<br />
I'm already out of spoons. I wonder why?<br />
Oh look, a butterfly!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For the origin of Spoon Theory, and why spoons and not some other eating utinsil, see Christine Miserandino's account on her blog, <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/">But You Don't Look Sick</a>.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
I relate to this analogy somewhat, but it fails to describe the intricate resource-management I must do as an aspie. I wake up with a random number of spoons. Why? Why do I mysteriously get a bunch of new spoons at unpredictable times? The process of getting ready for a new task seems to cost me "spoons", but that model doesn't reflect the intricacies of the gathering process itself. What about the frustration I feel when I fail to gather or get interrupted? How do I describe the sense that a dozen little things need doing before I can start a big thing, each costing a fractional "spoon"?<br />
<br />
Spoon Theory didn't fit the all data for my experience, so I went in search of a Grand Unified Theory of Resources or Law of Conservation of Aspergers Energy that I could use to think about and describe my universe.<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div>
<br />
I found a few articles on inertia that help describe some aspects of life with Aspergers, like:</div>
<div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://unstrangemind.wordpress.com/2013/01/02/autistic-inertia-an-overview/">Autistic Inertia: An Overview</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.lettersfromaspergia.com/2010/11/are-special-interests-another-form-of.html">Are Special Interests a Form Of Autistic Inertia?</a></li>
<li><a href="http://tagaught.net/lets-talk-about-focus/">Let's Talk About Focus</a></li>
<li><a href="http://alternatelexicon.com/2010/09/12/stare-up-at-the-sky/">Stare Up At the Sky</a></li>
<li><a href="http://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/2006/10/15/coping-with-the-inertia-of-task-paralysis/">Coping with the Inertia of Task Paralysis</a></li>
</ul>
<div>
Inertia is a term I'd used years ago, long before my diagnosis. The idea is just like <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inertia">the law of motion</a>. An object at rest tends to remain at rest, and an object in motion with a certain trajectory will tend to remain in motion, headed that direction, at that speed, until stopped or bumped off course by an outside force.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Inertia Theory perfectly describes my hyperfocus, or lack thereof, but it failed to describe outside forces I must apply to get up to speed. Or my frustration at outside-outside forces that stop me.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last night, after doing a little light reading from <a href="http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1078">Olga Bogdashina's</a> book, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1843102676/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1843102676&linkCode=as2&tag=lunalind-20">Communication Issues in Autism and Asperger Syndrome</a>," eureka! I found it. The perfect metaphor, "Reticulating splines..."<br />
<br />
I'm a huge gamer, and in the 90s I loved old school <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maxis">Maxis</a> games. You know, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SimCity_(1989_video_game)">SimCity</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SimEarth">SimEarth</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ucLyqEboGM">SimAnt</a>. Back then, games took forever to load, especially on my old 386. While games loaded or maps generated, many companies showed useful information, like "Decompressing graphics files...", "Loading sounds..."<br />
<br />
Maxis wanted to be funny, so their load screens repeated random nonsensical phrases that sounded Really Important™. Some of them flashed by so quickly you couldn't read them. One remained on the screen the longest, while a voice read it aloud: "Reticulating splines..."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEhsM4g6zUjpqnMMe4ySfHuW7PeN7JQhay-ZrfAXoEp_IwU2JzpU467Uyn_jKlAZC1CXTtqWRMM2NwsElwSksTi93CFKmrXP1KHSn8RsAWTwNRvRJkHjCPDKHX1XcdrA73TWWOON8tkgQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-10-14+at+12.53.34+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="130" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEhsM4g6zUjpqnMMe4ySfHuW7PeN7JQhay-ZrfAXoEp_IwU2JzpU467Uyn_jKlAZC1CXTtqWRMM2NwsElwSksTi93CFKmrXP1KHSn8RsAWTwNRvRJkHjCPDKHX1XcdrA73TWWOON8tkgQ/s320/Screen+Shot+2013-10-14+at+12.53.34+PM.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Reticulating Splines...<br />
Seems legit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Maxis has carried on this fine tradition for decades, and while games now load lickity-split, they ensure you have just enough time to see "Reticulating splines..." flash past. For tradition's sake. Other software drops this phrase in as an Easter egg, and everyone who knows the joke gives a chuckle.<br />
<br />
Separately, "Reticulating" and "Spline" are real words, but put together they make no sense. Until now.<br />
<br />
What does this have to do with Asperger's?</div>
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The single greatest resource hog during my day is what some call "shifting gears", or moving from one task to another. <a href="http://teaching.monster.com/benefits/articles/8761-22-tips-for-teaching-students-with-autism-spectrum-disorders">Skilled teachers of autistic kids</a> know to give a child ample warning of an upcoming task and to explain the purpose of moving on. Anyone who's worked with autistic kids knows the reason for taking this extra step. It's to avoid meltdowns.<br />
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Even the gear metaphor is problematic, because it takes no energy or time or frustration or boredom to shift a real gear. It's just BAM, you're in first and now you're in second. And you're still driving, not suddenly riding an elephant. It totally fails to describe the struggle of wrapping up one task and beginning a new one. For a neurotypical, it's as simple as shifting a gear. For someone on the spectrum, it's something else.<br />
<br />
I knew from the get-go that my search for the perfect metaphor would center around this question: "Why does it take so long for me to get started?" The answer is wrapped up in other autistic tendencies: hyperfocus, special interests, distractibility, and "getting stuck".<br />
<br />
Bogdashina describes how the autistic brain processes sensory information differently than neurotypical brains. NTs tend to take in sensory data all at once, summarizing, and comfortably filling in gaps with assumptions. As a result, NTs leave alot of things out, and in return for this compression, they get a speed boost.<br />
<br />
According to Bogdashina, autists on the severe end of the spectrum cannot sense objects as part of a whole. A face breaks up into "mouth", "nose", "eye", "eye". A person then is "hand", "arm", "ear", "face", "hair". A room is instead a "wall", "wall", "table leg", "table top", "plate", "chair", "floor". Sounds and other senses take on the same fragmentation, and it's difficult for the autist to lump them all together into "mother" or "dining room".<br />
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My experience is not so extreme. I can see a person, a face, a room, a coffee shop, as a "whole thing", though sometimes details jump out at me like the eyes on a cartoon character, causing distraction (but it's also a superpower of observation).<br />
<br />
Yet there is an aspect of sensory fragmentation I can relate to, and that's in memory storage and in my understandings of concepts.<br />
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Take a concept. For instance, one of my special interests, cults and mind control. I can can perceive the concept as a whole, but not without all its parts. Mind control is a network in my brain of all the thousands of things I've read about over the years, and my own experiences, and my views on how it appears in religion, politics, public schools, and the media. Everything I've ever linked to mind control is in there in this massive file, stored by words, principles, feelings, and <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2012/10/grapheme-color-synesthesia-map.html">synesthetic colors</a>. The topic of "mind control" is not complete without all those bits.<br />
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Right now, I'm knee-deep in mind control, because that's the writing project I'm working on. If I were to switch to another project, say editing Emerald City Iron, which is a novel about fairies, I'd be knee-deep in fairies, with mind control long forgotten. I need room in my brain to unpack all the details about fairies and my characters and writing fiction. I'd no longer have room for the topic "mind control" and the task "non-fiction writing". The files would have to be stored away.<br />
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In order to really understand fairies and fiction editing again, I'd need to get back into that space, open up the whole file with all the parts. And doing that requires a resource which is nothing like a spoon or inertia. It's more like opening a big game on my old, slow 386. Hence:<br />
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Reticulating splines. . .<hourglass><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://jstorm1.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/reticulatingsplines_front-8x6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="http://jstorm1.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/reticulatingsplines_front-8x6.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Screenshot of my brain reticulating splines.<br />
Yes, this artist managed to capture it.<br />
Credit: <a href="http://jstorm1.wordpress.com/2010/11/07/reticulating-splines-3/">Jon Storm</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It makes sense that a complex topic or project, like mind control or fairies, would take a long time to shift into. That would be difficult for anyone. But what is harder to describe is how the little things, things NTs take for granted, can be just as difficult to shift into.<br />
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Reticulate means to "<a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/reticulate">make a net or network of</a>". A <a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/spline">spline</a> is a number of things, including: "a. Any of a series of projections on a shaft that fit into slots on a corresponding shaft, enabling both to rotate together. b. The groove or slot for such a projection."<br />
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When I switch tasks, I am making a network of all the projections and grooves and slots and shafts and strips of metal and curve-drawing tools and geometrical maths used to draw up the task. I am loading and linking together all the details in my brain that are connected to the project at hand. And that's going to take time, whether that project is making a phone call, disciplining the dog, or writing a novel.<br />
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It doesn't just take time. It takes a bunch of energy and processing resources. It isn't fun at all. My brain has to work really, really hard. So when something interrupts me, and demands I dump the loaded program to load up a new program, I get very frustrated. When I've got lots of annoying little errands to do outside the scope of my main project, I lose splines and spoons. The more do this in a day, the more frustration builds.<br />
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For instance, if I need to make a phone call about a bill, I need to gather the phone number, collect all the data about the bill, and get into the frame of mind to make the call. For me, that requires gathering lots of little pieces, and on my hardware, it's slow loading. On NT hardware, it might flash by, "Reticulating splines!" so fast you can't even see it. Yet because I have more splines, they take longer to reticulate.<br />
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This is why, when I made and took twenty phonecalls a day as part of my tech support job, talking on the phone was relatively easy. It didn't take a lot of spoons, because it wasn't reticulating many splines. The "talk on the phone solving technical problems" program was all loaded up. It stayed in memory for years.<br />
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These days, using the phone requires all kinds of splines. And when I need to reticulate that many splines, it ends up costing spoons.<br />
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Likewise when I ran Sapioscape, an online retail business, I ran to the post office every day, shipping 3-5 boxes at a time. I was efficient, and it was even a pretty fun. Sometimes I still miss those days.<br />
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Now, when I need to ship just one box? I procrastinate forever and the task seems impossible. Because I have to reticulate every single spline related to packaging a shipping and item. It's a rather complex task for me, because my memory has stored each step as a separate thing that I have to recompile.<br />
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Same goes for home improvement tasks. I loved remodeling my house. I couldn't wait to get home and build bedrooms in the basement, retrofit foundations for earthquakes. and landscape the yard. Now? Hanging a picture seems impossible. Because I have to remember where I keep the nails and how to use a hammer.<br />
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Computers can run multiple programs in background, and so can I, which is fortunate. I can keep one or two complex tasks, and several small items partially loaded into memory. So at the end of the day, I can reticulate splines on some smaller tasks and recreational activities (which also require splines), and switch back to the big project again the next day.<br />
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It's not entirely free of cost. I can't just Alt-Tab. A few splines get lost and have to be regenerated again in the morning. If I do too many side-tasks or have too many interruptions or too much time passes, loading up the main project begins to cost more and more.<br />
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Part of my spline-management system involves ridding myself of potential interruptions before I can start on my real work for the day. So I invest alot of initial spoons and splines into dealing with small tasks. I try to make sure Prince Ryuk of Pomerania (the dog) is happy. I feed myself and make tea. I deal with email and twitter. I cycle through my ritual of lighting candles and taking meds and turning on music. I let kids and other events interrupt me during this time, and work as fast as I can to get through this routine so I can get to my real work. Sometimes even then my brain isn't into gear, and maybe by that time, I'm hungry again or out of tea. I stare at the blank page a few moments, and I'm back to checking twitter or fiddling with things on my desk.<br />
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Somedays, I can reticulate my splines within an hour, and I have an amazingly productive writing day. Other days, it takes many hours. With each passing moment, the frustration builds. I fear I won't be productive, that I'm wasting time, that my book will never be written. It's just like waiting for your favorite game to load on an old, slow 386. You're eager to get started, but those damn splines are still reticulating.<br />
<br />
This is why my child needing a ride to school ruined my productivity for the day. It had taken me about three hours to prep for writing. (I was coming off a full week non-productivity due to other life tasks that needed attention, so I required additional spline reticulation.) The door slid open just fifteen minutes after I had finally gotten started putting words to page. I was the only one who could drive said child to school.<br />
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I thought I'd be able to get her there and home without issue. But no. I lost all the splines on the drive back. And I got angry. I had an anger-meltdown in the car. I screamed at the top of my lungs and smacked the steering wheel. I knew the day was wasted.<br />
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I wasn't angry at anyone in particular. Things happen. I was angry at the situation. And a little bit at myself for being this way.<br />
<br />
I also knew that Spoon Theory wasn't going to be enough to describe what just happened.<br />
<br />
I still have spoons. I have a limited number of social spoons, overstimulation spoons, working hard for too long spoons. There are some splines-to-spoon exchange rates -- reticulating splines can cost spoons, and if I don't get enough sleep, for example, I don't have enough spoons to reticulate many splines at all.<br />
<br />
It's just that running out of spoons doesn't lead me to meltdown. Running out of splines can.<br />
<br />
There is an upside to having a brain like mine. Once all those splines get reticulate, I have thousands of connected details available to me. That's not to say I have a photographic memory and can actually remember those details perfectly. But I know the parts that lead to the sum, and can look up things up from there. (Thank Google!) If one of the parts changes, I can make adjustments to the entire topic. If a new fact comes in that contradicts the old parts, I can take a look at the parts of the whole structure to quickly see where adjustments need to be made. I think of new ideas quickly because I kept all the bits stored away, not just the unalterable concept as a mushy whole.<br />
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It just means it takes a bit longer to load. Even the "easy" stuff like getting dressed or shopping for groceries or talking to humans. All these splines must be reticulated.<br />
<br />
To summarize the three complex forces of Asperger's, I've come up with the Three Laws of Thermodynamic Autistic Motion, also known as "Spins, Spoons, and Splines".<br />
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</div>
<ol>
<li><b>Inertial Mechanics, or "The Law of Spins"</b>: An autist in motion will remain in motion until acted upon by an outside force, like a barking dog or the need to pee.</li>
<li><b>The Law of Conservation of Energy, or "Entropy of Spoons"</b>: Spoons can neither be created nor destroyed, only washed and placed back in the silverware drawer. It always takes more spoons to wash the spoons than there are total spoons, leading to entropy, and the eventual heat death of the universe and everyone in it.</li>
<li><b>The Law of Reticulation of Splines</b>: The load time of splines is directly proportional to the number of splines in storage times the distance (in time) since the splines were last loaded times the number of interrupts by other spline-reticulating processes. As implied by the Second Law of Autism, spline reticulation requires energy in the form of spoons, splines, spins, and anger management classes. Moore's Law does not apply.</li>
</ol>
<br />
<b>What do you think about this model? If you're autistic, or know someone who is, does it seem to fit?</b></div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com71tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-18016279683003522672013-09-10T20:08:00.001-07:002014-08-26T13:33:21.674-07:00The Year I Survived Suicide<div class="p1">
[<b>Trigger Warning: </b>Uncensored exploration of self-harm, suicide, and extreme exposure to the vulnerable side of Luna's brain. May contain trace amounts of navel-gazing.]</div>
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This year, I survived suicide. At least three times. The incidents have started to blur together, so let's go with three. It's a nice round number.</div>
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I've only recently stabilized enough to process what that means. Last week a friend attempted, and the strong emotions that bubbled up showed just how much I needed to process my own recent encounters with death. I'm not here to tell her story. It's not mine to tell. But I've decided to finally tell my own. </div>
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There are far more reasons to not talk about it. Those of us who suffer from suicidal thoughts also suffer shame for thinking them. The illnesses that lead to anguish and despair are themselves shameful, without the added "sin" and "crime" of killing oneself. I didn't want to talk about it then, not on Twitter, not to friends or family, not to therapists, and not even to crisis lines. I didn't want to be drama. I didn't want anyone to think I was manipulating them. When I felt better, I lied and told myself I was fine. When I felt terrible, I wanted everyone to think I was fine. I'm strong, independent, smart, rational. All the time. I wanted to pretend my weak times weren't really me.</div>
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Even well after the fact, I've hesitated and procrastinated writing this post. I've debated the merits and drawbacks. And then, along came <a href="http://www.suicidology.org/resources/nspw">Suicide Prevention Week</a>. <a href="http://thebloggess.com/2013/09/something-about-september/">The Bloggess wrote a timely post on it</a>, so I figured...<br />
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It's time. I am throwing aside my shame. I will use my aspy powers of unorthodox bluntness, and unwise social decisions, and a general blindness for knowing what's appropriate, and a pinch of impulsivity to tell everyone exactly how close I came to killing myself this year.<br />
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Because the stigma needs to end. Because those in pain need to feel okay reaching out. And those who suffer need to realize they're not the only ones who suffer. Anyone who finds themselves grasping the sheets in despair on those long, dark nights need to know that successful, talented, beautiful people also have dark nights, or weeks, or years when we hate ourselves. If someone like me can hate myself<span style="font-size: x-small;">*</span>, then maybe, just maybe, those other beautiful, talented, worthwhile souls will realize they, too, have something to be admired for. Something to contribute. Just one more little excuse to hang on a little longer. Because on those dark nights, every little excuse is a lifeline.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">* Yes, I just called myself successful, talented, and beautiful. I'm also impulsive, blunt, socially unwise, and yeah we already covered that.</span><br />
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I didn't attempt, but I did everything up to that point. Had there been a quick and painless way to do it, I surely would have. I own a handgun, and thankfully, at the first sign I was remotely suicidal, Roland made me send my handgun to live with my parents, because there were nights when I repeatedly and vividly imagined what I would do with it. There were times when I wished I hadn't given it up. Or that my parents lived closer. Or that pills or knives would be quick and painless. Because honestly, fear of pain and the thought of surviving an attempt were my only deterrents.</div>
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I survived suicide. It is hard to admit that to myself and be sympathetic. There is a trauma in surviving any brush with death, and as I've discovered, suicide is no different. Hearing about suicide takes me away to another place now, where I drift off into a melancholic, mild dissociation, where I'm tempted to erect walls to keep away the tears or depression, where I practice avoidance behaviors which are not typical for me, because I normally like to face emotions and problems head-on.<br />
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I have worked through enough <a href="http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml">PTSD</a> to recognize it. Which only follows. If I'd had a gun pointed at me by an angry person (I have) or almost gotten into a car accident (I have), I'd feel the same.. a remnant of fear, lack of safety, the awareness that the same thing could happen again, at any time. And sadness because I remember how I felt. The desire to kill myself was the least of my worries. The relentless pain and terror that led me to that state is a not-too-distant wound that time has yet to heal. I fear that state, I fear myself, I fear the people around me who unwittingly helped me get into that state.<br />
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And the empathy I feel for anyone else in that state is overwhelming, if I let myself think about it.</div>
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This is not the first time I've felt suicidal. Long, long ago, when I was a young single mother with no prospects, I suffered relentless depression. I ideated, but never got serious. <a href="http://www.lds.org/?lang=eng">My religion</a> listed suicide as the third worst sin (after murder and denying the Holy Ghost, but slightly worse than sex). The eternal consequences would make my shitty temporal life seem like heaven. This is exactly the type of harmful stigma I am now against, but at least it worked as an effective stop-gap measure to keep serious suicidal desires at bay long enough for me to get help.<br />
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I went to <a href="http://www.coda.org/">12-step groups</a>, read self-help books, got therapy whenever I could afford it (rarely), and learned about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy">cognitive behavior methods</a> (CBT). My depression became manageable and I left suicide in my distant history.</div>
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But the anxiety never really went away. Instead, found the strength to push through it, day after day after day. I did what I had to do to keep down a job and rear a child. I felt fear and did things anyway, never realizing I was suffering needlessly. I also coped by solving all problems as quickly as possible, and avoiding things had no solution.<br />
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If I can't solve or ignore a problem, fear builds and leads to situations that cause more anxiety. I'm especially set off by conflict, which, up until I met Roland, I was able to avoid most of the time. But being strong-willed, living with a strong-willed life partner leads to ample unavoidable conflict, which only escalated and compounded over the years. With every fight, so increased my anxiety, until I was <a href="http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2007/11/aspie-meltdown-insiders-point-of-view.html">melting down</a> regularly, and terrified the rest of the time that a fight was just around the corner. I got to the point where I welcomed depression as a soothing relief from the long term throb of anxiety. It became the new normal. This became unsustainable.</div>
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So it was in April 2013 that I got my <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/article112.html">Asperger's</a> diagnosis. First came relief. Finally, some answers. Finally, validation, an official certificate<span style="font-size: x-small;">*</span> I could wave at other people saying, "<i><b>Y</b></i><b><i>es, I'm really hurting this much</i>. </b><i>I'm not just throwing a tantrum; I'm not trying to manipulate anyone. I really am terrified and overwhelmed and want to disappear into a tiny dot."</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">* They don't actually give you a certificate.</span><br />
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But like a blade with two edges, my diagnosis carried with it a frightening new truth<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">—</span>I will always be this way. Before, I held onto gossamer threads of hope: Therapy's this week. Once I get to the bottom of this trigger, I'll be okay. Once I improve my communication skills, everything will get better. I'll just read this book. Okay, now that book. I'll try harder to listen. I'll try harder to explain myself. I'll be more patient. He will eventually see how much he's hurting me. He will eventually listen to me. If only, if only... Solve, solve, solve.</div>
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Suddenly the spider had stopped spinning the silk. The fantasy of hope had transformed into... into what? I didn't know. All I knew was that parts of me, not sure which parts, but some parts, would never change. I'm just wired that way.</div>
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During my meltdowns, I've always tended to turn inward. The pain is raw and searing, a physical pain, like molten lava or acid is pumping through my veins. I am not exaggerating. I used to think it felt this way for everyone. I used to think burning skin was normal anxiety. So I curl inward when I'm melting down, and scratch at myself. I find odd relief in visualizing a physical cause for the pain. Knives stabbing. Razors slicing. I dig my fingernails into my wrists and hands and arms because the sharpness distracts a little from the fire playing on my skin.<br />
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So there's an Asperger's element that is not neurotypical, and totally different from traditional self-harm. I seek a sensation strong enough to wipe out my pain. Sometimes that means more pain, or different pain, or at least pain I have some control over. And this leads me to want to stop existing. And that leads me to wanting to die, to cease existing, to vanish from a world of horrors.</div>
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Out of long-habit, I grasp for a reason for my pain, and for a comforting explanation for why I'm behaving so shamefully and out of control. The argument begins with me trying to convince the other person of how much they are hurting me. This strategy often fails (why can't people just listen?) so after awhile, I start to blame myself. Every bad thing the other person has said, every shred of criticism, even that spoken out of pain or love, I turn inward, like a dagger. I imagine their words are a knife, and I make up my own phrases, and with all those words, I stab myself in the gut.<br />
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I fight off this moment in the conflict. I tell myself to stay calm, rational, but eventually, the dam breaks, the scale tips, and out come the internalized phrases of self-loathing. There's no rational thought left at this point<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">—</span>it isn't even possible. My <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala">amygdala</a> has taken over and I'm in flight-fight-freeze-or-appease mode. Yes, I know I should be telling myself rational, true things, not these forms of verbal self-abuse, but I can't help it anymore.<br />
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It's like I have two sides, a little cartoon angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other, representing my healthy and unhealthy voices. The deeper I go into anxiety, the louder the unhealthy one gets, until the healthy voice doesn't even try. That unhealthy voice starts out wanting to protect me in the only way she can. Defense is her goal. Protect the vulnerable bits. Be vigilant for danger. Everything is dangerous. Destroy the danger before it destroys me. Until the unhealthy voice gets too loud, and she wants to lash out, hurt myself, hurt others, wallow in self pity, or die. Her methods take on a life of their own. When it gets that far, I have a murderer living inside me. An ugly, spiteful murderer who knows all my weaknesses.</div>
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The healthy voice delivers all the hopeful phrases, the CBT, the patience and validation and self-care. It's that healthy part of me that keeps me alive, even when she's just a whisper. She is what stops me from planning, who puts off doing the worst until the last possible minute. Sometimes she goes silent, and that is when things get most scary.</div>
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So I'm used to wanting to die during a meltdown, and used to wanting to hurt myself. That is very different from wanting to kill myself. Which is what changed in April.</div>
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My pain had been building for five years. I'd lost many of my previous sources of stability, ability to control my surroundings, and other coping mechanisms. Years of conflict baggage with Roland and a number of destabilizing life events and the diagnosis all culminated in the Grand Answer: It's all my fault. Or so it sometimes seemed. Most days I met with a hopeful outlook. I had information now. I had something I could work with. Roland was beginning to understand me and I was building new coping mechanisms.</div>
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But not in my darkest hours. In those moments, when my skin had been drenched in acid and set on fire, I was a broken, useless person. I was a horrible person, forever emotionally damaged, with no hope of improving. I had hurt the people around me, and I would always hurt the people around me, especially those I loved. I couldn't bear that thought. Worse, I felt rejected. No one wants to be around me when I am in pain. I chase everyone away. I am too much for them. Having Asperger's meant I would always be too much for them.<br />
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For the first time in nearly two decades, I wanted to kill myself. Unlike then, this time I was serious. No more did I have religious strictures against it. Beyond this life is likely only endless night, a soft peaceful sleep I craved.<br />
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My most recent, and worst episode was about a month ago. My healthy voice recognized I needed help, and I managed to mutter a "someone should watch me" warning before rushing to my room to hide under my desk. No one came to watch me right away. My partners had their own pain to figure out. They had to put on their own oxygen mask before helping me.<br />
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For first time in my life, I made a plan there, under that desk. I finally let myself figure out how I could do it painlessly. I began walking myself through the steps: Pull the car into the garage, close the door, and leave the engine running. [<b>Spoiler:</b> See below why this is actually a very bad plan.]<br />
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My healthy voice got quieter and quieter, yet more and more desperate, as I rehearsed each of the steps like a mantra. Finally, the healthy voice managed a solution that had gotten me through a previous night: Don't fight the self-destructive energies. Reroute them to something safer. I reached for a bottle of alcohol I'd bought in Iceland, which for reasons I'd been storing under there next to the recycling box, and I chugged. I had one goal: to make my body not function. If I couldn't move, then I couldn't park the car in the garage. </div>
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Eventually, Joci came to watch me, and she took care of me, and in my self-loathing drunken state, I could only tell her how sorry I was, over and over. I was ashamed and mortified by my behavior yet again, but at least I lived through the night.</div>
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Those who speak of suicide always plead, "Reach out to someone. Please. Just talk to someone." I'm one of those people now. Because I understand how much it hurts and I know exactly how hard it is to talk to anyone. You are so vulnerable in that moment, so tender. You are looking for any excuse to do it, and any excuse not to do it. You feel weak and helpless and whiny. You wonder if you're just trying to get attention. You remember all the weak, helpless, whiny people you've ever judged and realize you are now that person. You desperately need help, you want validation, you want comfort and love, but you know that if you ask someone for help, and they say no, you will suffer the deepest kind of rejection at the worst possible time, as if they are saying, "Go ahead and do it. See if I care." </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Or so it seems. Because everything in that zone is distorted, like an emotional landscape by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvador_Dal%C3%AD">Salvador Dalí</a> using your worst nightmares as paint. Anything painful is amplified, shouted over a megaphone, and anything soothing is ephemeral at best, ethereal at worst.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/90/DaliGreatMasturbator.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/90/DaliGreatMasturbator.jpg" height="233" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Great Masturbator, Dalí, 1929</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Outside the zone, it's easier to see how people care about you. Of course they care. If someone you knew felt suicidal, you'd rush to help them. In this safe space, I try to memorize what it's like to be the one who wants to help. Most everyone I know would be willing to help me. My inner-angel knows that. My inner-devil doesn't believe a word of it. My inner devil believes everyone hates me, that I'm a bother, and I am crazy or needy or childish, and I should deal with problems on my own.<br />
<br />
In April, I contacted <a href="http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html">a crisis line</a>. And in spite of my shame and fear that it was absolutely the wrong thing to do, I reached out to a relatively new friend. (See previous notes about impulsivity and lack of social filters.) "Gene" at the 839863 text number kept me alive one dark night, and <a href="http://www.mindonfire.com/">Remy Nakamura</a> kept me afloat through at least another. I don't think I've ever had anyone save my life before. These two did. And they would do it again. As would most anyone else in my close or even far circles.<br />
<br />
(Those closest to you may not be capable of certain kinds of support. They are dealing with their own needs and you're entangled with them in ways that may lead to further pain as they try to protect themselves. This isn't because they don't love you<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">—</span>it's <i>because</i> they love you. Others may not be able or willing to help for their own reasons. Those are their own reasons that have no actual bearing on your worth.)<br />
<br />
<b>Updated</b> to add that many other people helped me through this time, not just the people I've mentioned. I specifically called out people I contacted when I was in the most pain and when it was most difficult to reach out. I didn't want to forget everyone else who also supported me and made their willingness clear.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When fear and pain kick in, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala_hijack">neocortex actually stops working</a>. So I have to spend this time, right now, while I'm feeling okay, to give my healthy voice tools to use when I'm on those dark paths. This is the time to remind myself that people want to help. Because later, it will take everything I have to convince myself.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My unhealthy voice wants tools, too. I sympathize with her (because she is me), and I know that someday I might be hiding under the desk again, and that plan with the car in the garage may come in handy. So I didn't reveal my plan to anyone in my family. But I did tell my psychiatrist, because ultimately, I don't really want a useful plan on standby. That is not conducive to my survival. Without blinking an eye, my psychiatrist informed me that <b>the car-in-the-garage method almost always leaves the victim alive, with brain damage</b>. Not so painless after all. Alive with brain damage is a fate worse than death. So I thankfully have no plan again. (I have such a smart psychiatrist. She knew exactly how to get to me.)</div>
</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We are programmed by evolutionary forces to stay alive. Our bodies are remarkably resilient and will fight overwhelming odds to keep breathing. So what could cause an override of these instincts?<br />
<br />
These <a href="http://coping.us/focusonthemilitary/understandingsuicide.html">three factors</a> together ensure the risk of a completed suicide:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Thwarted Belongingness (feeling alone)</li>
<li>Perceived Burdensomeness (yes, that seems to be a real word)</li>
<li>Capability for Suicide (not afraid to die)</li>
</ol>
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://coping.us/images/533_Joiners_Interpersonal_Theory_of_Suicide.jpg" height="248" width="400" /></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image from Understanding Suicide In Helping Active Military, <br />
Veterans & Their Families Build Resilience in Facing Risk and Adversity</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
With only one or two of these items, ideation may occur. A victim may wish to die, or may fantasize about suicide, or attempt without really intending it to work. These are the "cries for help" we hear about, which are also, sadly, stigmatized. These are referred to as "just" cries for help, but think about that. Chances are, that person has been crying for help for so long, and no one has been listening. Their friends and family (and maybe even helping professionals) don't trust that the pain is real. Or perhaps well-meaning people simply don't know how to help. Either way, in this state of perpetual helplessness, the cry for help moves from words to actions, and it's important to listen rather than dismiss it as "just" anything.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br />
Another important thing we learn from this diagram is that suicide is <i>not</i> selfish. "Perceived burdensomeness" comes from a places of self-hatred and a distorted idea that the world would be better off without me. I cause pain, therefore, if I really love my partners, I will remove myself from their lives completely. There's a sense of self-punishment, that I've committed too many crimes against humanity, and that I must take justice into my own hands. As ridiculous as this sounds, it seems as true as toast when it happens.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I feel passionately about reducing stigma around mental health and suicide. The victim is already taking on more than she can handle. At <a href="https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-21/dc-21-index.html">DEFCON 21</a>, I attended <a href="https://www.defcon.org/images/defcon-21/dc-21-presentations/Baldet/DEFCON-21-Baldet-Suicide-Intervention-Risk-Assessment-Tactics-Updated.pdf">a thought-provoking panel on suicide risk assessment</a> given by <a href="https://twitter.com/AmberBaldet">Amber Baldet</a>. As she rightly pointed out, society views suicide as a moral issue, and the language we use is important for framing that. Yes, had I "killed myself", I would have technically been complicit in my own murder. But it was, in most respects, as outside of my control as cancer or heart disease or a car accident. No one could have done anything more than I did to get healthy. I was seeing a therapist twice a month, and had been for years. I got a diagnosis for my condition. I spent many hours a week <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/">reading about how to cope with Asperger's</a>. I was on <a href="http://paleodietlifestyle.com/paleo-101/">a healthy diet</a>. I was seeking, and finally taking, medication. I was meditating. I was self-soothing. I was taking deep breaths. I was <a href="http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt37546.html">reading aloud affirmations</a>. I was seeking support from my family and friends while relying on myself as much as possible. </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Even with all that, I still hurt badly enough to override my survival instinct. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.<br />
<br />
In her exit story from the LDS Church, "<a href="http://www.lifeaftermormonism.net/profiles/blogs/this-is-the-most-powerful-story-i-ve-yet-read-of-how-the-church">Losing My Mind, Bit By Bit</a>", Pam Kazmaier said, "The reality of mental illness is discrimination and blame. It’s the only illness we blame people for having. It doesn’t happen with a heart attack, just a brain attack." And what I experienced is a brain attack. My brain seized up and ceased to function for so long and in such painful ways that I could only see one way out.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br />
One dark night, Roland held me. Instead of continuing to vent his own frustration and pain, he simply held me and said, "This is all just a terrible nightmare. You're having a nightmare." He acknowledged my horror, naming it. He rocked me and told me that tomorrow when I awoke it would all be better. For the first time, he seemed to understand how much I hurt. And with that support, I was able to acknowledge to myself how nightmarish it was, like a heart attack, like a car accident, like being tortured.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
No one "commits" suicide the way people commit a sin or a crime. Because no one commits a heart attack. This is a health issue, not a moral issue. Instead, people <i>die</i> or nearly die of suicide. It is a terrible <i>health</i> epidemic, and if it is at all a moral issue, we should look at society, not the victim. And no one "fails" a suicide attempt, as if there is success to be found in an otherwise preventable death.<br />
<br />
I support Amber Baldet's suggestion that we change the language around this topic, and the morality of it, and the stigma. If I have pain in my chest, I call 911 without hesitation. If I have pain in my heart, I want to hide it. And there's something wrong with that.</div>
<div class="p1">
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<div class="p1">
No two people are alike, and when we hear that, we think of people's appearance, personality, and talents. But it also means that emotionally, we're also different. It's easy to judge. I think, "If I can do it, so can you. It's easy for me, so it should be easy for you, and if it's not, then there's something wrong with your motivation or drive or <i>morals</i>. I choose to be awesome, and so should you." That is society's predominant view. It stems from the well-intentioned <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule">Golden Rule</a>, which states that we should treat others like we want to be treated. But it assumes we play on the same game board and were given the same starting position and none of the dice are loaded. It assumes we all have the same needs and wants and desires. It's a huge mistake because it leads to all kinds of distorted values.<br />
<br />
It's easy to assume my experience is the same everyone else's. I compare myself to others. Look how far they got, when I'm still way back here. What we forget is that the playing field <i>isn't</i> the same for everyone. How easy it becomes to judge others. Along the way, we judge ourselves just as, or sometimes more, harshly.<br />
<br />
In April, I discovered that I was bad at some things, not because I was lazy, or not trying, or not choosing hard enough. It turns out that some tasks which are simple for most people are extremely difficult for me. Likewise, some things that are super easy for me are really hard for most people.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Your experience of the world is nothing like anyone else's. If it seems easy for everyone else, but not for you, maybe that's because it <i>really is harder for you</i>. Maybe that means you need a little extra help in some areas, and you need people to be more patient and understanding with you. That's okay, because you have other strengths, more than enough to make up for them. That's why we live in a civilization, a society, where people specialize, so they don't have to become good at everything.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
One thing I struggle with is that I feel emotions more powerfully than other people. And <a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/01/my-inner-life-adventures-with-aspergers.html">a number of other problems</a> that lead to meltdowns and long, dark nights that are a struggle to survive. I have strengths to compensate.<br />
<br />
I will tell you what I tell myself: There are people willing to help. If you don't feel safe enough trusting your friends or family (which is perfectly understandable if you feel vulnerable), then <a href="http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/">call a crisis line</a>. If phones scare the hell out of you (like they do me), then did you know there are <a href="http://www.crisischat.org/">chat</a> and <a href="http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html">SMS crisis lines</a>? (Chat lines are often closed late at night. Text "ANSWER" to 839863, which is 24/7).<br />
<br />
I know it's hard, scary, painful, but reach out. And if you try once and get turned down, or the number doesn't work, or something happens, don't take it as proof that no one loves you or wants to save you. (Believe me, I understand the allure of that temptation.) Give your angel-voice all the fuel you can and keep reaching out. Try one last time. And then try again.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/41/Lifelinelogo.svg/144px-Lifelinelogo.svg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/41/Lifelinelogo.svg/144px-Lifelinelogo.svg.png" /></a></div>
<br />
And seek professional help. If you're already seeing a therapist, call her. (I never manage to call mine, even though she's told me to. It's hard to want to "bother" her in the moment, but she assures me it's okay.) Consider talking to a psychiatrist about taking medication or changing your existing meds. If you're worried about money, I heard Obamacare expands mental health coverage for most people, so look into that. (Thanks, Obama.)</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Amber Baldet recommends everyone develop <a href="http://www.co.tt/files/defcon21/Speaker%20Materials/Amber%20Baldet/Extras/DEFCON-21-Baldet-Personal-Safety-and-Crisis-Plan.pdf">a crisis plan</a> while we're happy and healthy and the neocortex is working properly. Yes, everyone. Because even though it seems like life is perfect and blissful and I'm so healthy and awesome (clearly more heathy and rational than everyone else), we all are at risk of having a dark night. Shit happens, and it comes out of nowhere, and there could be some problem out there that finally gets to you.<br />
<br />
A crisis plan is simply a list of things to do and people to talk to at various stages of emotional upset, up to and including feeling suicidal. You obtain agreements from people ahead of time <span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">— </span>Person A can offer me X hours of time when things are bad, and person B can offer another Y hours when things are worse. And then you file it away with a giant note written in red marker, "<span style="color: #990000;">IN CASE OF EMERGENCY!</span>" Here's <a href="http://www.co.tt/files/defcon21/Speaker%20Materials/Amber%20Baldet/Extras/DEFCON-21-Baldet-Personal-Safety-and-Crisis-Plan.pdf">a link to the form</a>. Fill it out. It's better than filling out a will, and the life you save could be your own.</div>
<div class="p1">
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<div class="p1">
I had lots of practical fears about reaching out. If you've never done it, it's an uncomfortable mystery. Will they laugh and tell you it isn't so bad? Will they pester you with tons of questions? Will the Secret Red Cross fly in rescue helicopters to rush you to a hospital you can't afford and lock you away without consent?<br />
<br />
Well it's your lucky day because I can tell you what happens when you call a crisis line: They listen. You don't have to tell them anything. They aren't pushy. You can just dump on them, and say whatever you want, even your most shameful secrets. They don't send you to the hospital or anything. They just listen. And on dark nights, that means everything.</div>
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<div class="p1">
When you tell a therapist or psychiatrist, unless you're ready to do it <i>right then</i>, they just listen, too. And then they help you to get healthy using their powerful skills and expertise that comes from schooling and experience. They give you tools to self-sooth and otherwise avoid pain and give you strategies for avoiding suicide itself. You may end up with a therapist or doctor that sucks, in which case, by all means, find someone who fits better. You can fire a therapist at any time.</div>
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<div class="p1">
What happens when you tell friends or family? Most of your friends (if they're worth being your friend) care about you and want to help and will do everything within their skills and power to do so. Keep in mind that everyone has their own fears and weaknesses and everyone makes mistakes. Not every friend will handle it well. There are <a href="http://www.suicide.org/suicide-myths.html">a lot of myths about suicide</a>, and chances are they believe some or all of them, and might react poorly. Don't take this as a sign that you suck, and don't take it as a reason to not reach out. Give it a try, and you might be pleasantly surprised. I know I was.</div>
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<div class="p1">
You are not alone. I don't just mean that in the cliched sense, or in the sense that people are in the room with you right now. I also mean that the person in the room with you may be just as sad as you, just as anxious, just as fearful or dying a little bit, day by day. The people you admire most may have struggled with suicide in their past, or may even be struggling right now. You will probably never know, because they probably will never tell you. They're just as ashamed of it as you are.</div>
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<div class="p2">
It's hard for me to say I survived, past tense, because the threat remains, lurking there in the shadows. I feel fine today; in fact, I feel great. But in many ways, it feels like I am still surviving, like at any moment, great will turn to terrible, and the despair will have me again. Until then, I do all I can to feed the positive voice that wants me to stay alive. And encourage that positive voice in others.<br />
<br />
Yeah, the world is filled with an incomprehensible number of unique snowflakes. <a href="http://twloha.com/">Yet I cannot be replaced.</a> And neither can you. </div>
Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6526994340344193915.post-47709270942050377242013-08-27T13:29:00.000-07:002013-08-28T10:54:57.723-07:00Mind Control 101: Cogs of DissonanceYour brain is full of machines. Each machine is made of thousands of cogs spinning in tandem with one another, and all the machines are more or less connected and dependent upon each other. When a cog starts to break down, other parts of the machine pitch in to repair it, replace it, or bypass it. This is because your survival is dependent upon the smooth functioning of each and every cog.<br />
<br />
Or so the machines want you to think. Because they control you.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.clker.com/cliparts/2/h/y/A/e/J/brain-gears-md.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="155" src="http://www.clker.com/cliparts/2/h/y/A/e/J/brain-gears-md.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is your brain on cogs.<br />
Any questions?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This is, of course, an analogy which I'm using to illustrate a complicated idea -- the theory of cognitive dissonance. A cognition (or cog) is any single thought, feeling, idea, concept, perception, behavior, social feedback, memory, attitude, goal, value, or commitment. When you put them together with other cognitions, they build all the belief systems that make up you. Earth is round, tacos are delicious, love feels nice, kittens are fuzzy, corporations are evil, God is great, and Republicans all suck and should go hide in a cave until they come up with some way to not look like a bunch of clowns.<br />
<br />
Or whatever it is you believe. I happen to have a moderate opinion on the flavor of tacos, and I've never met God so I'm not sure how neat He is.<br />
<br />
Each of these cogs, and the belief systems they build, have varying levels of importance. There are people who would die to save their favorite taco, and other people who don't really care that much about food. How strongly you feel when your precious (or not-so-precious) cog is threatened will inform your reaction to various kinds of incoming cogs that other people throw at you. By the way... you might want to duck.<br />
<br />
You see, living in the world means we constantly encounter new cognitions every day. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flat_Earth_Society">The Flat Earth Society</a> distributes pamphlets, <a href="http://paleodietlifestyle.com/paleo-101/">paleovangelists</a> push their anti-taco propaganda, love breaks your heart, kittens are proven to cause cancer, corporations run ads about saving lives, atheists say <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_Is_Not_Great">God is <i>not</i> great</a>, and you've got friends who are Republican. Everyone has a different message to push, and if we really believed everything we heard, we'd change our minds everyday about everything. More frighteningly, we'd never know what brand of breakfast cereal to buy. (I'm a paleovangelist, so I don't buy cereal brands. None of them are true.) Our brains need some sort of mechanism to hold all our cogs together or they'd roll bouncing our of our heads and people would trip on them and fall down.<br />
<br />
That mechanism is an emotional reward and punishment system known as Cognitive Consonance and Dissonance. Consonance is a good feeling. When we see a beautiful taco on TV, spinning in a glorious light, with beautiful green lettuce hand-picked for its photogenic properties, sticking out from the crunchy shell at aesthetically pleasing angles, and the announcer shouts, "Recommended by four out of five dentists who chew gum for people who like mouthwatering, savory tacos!", we think "Yes! I knew it! I knew I loved tacos. And now they're healthy, too! Sweet Jesus I was right all along! Baptize me in Fire<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">™</span> sauce!"<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Dissonance occurs when we take in information that is contrary to an existing belief. The more cherished the belief, the more powerful this feeling. It drives us to protect our sacred cogs and the giant, powerful machines they hold together. 9,329* studies last year show that corn is horribly bad for you. It's probably why we are all coming down with diabetes. But if you really love tacos, you don't want to hear this. The more you love tacos, the less you want to hear this. And that feeling is called cognitive dissonance.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">* I made this up. But some studies showed this. I'm lazy. Go google it.</span><br />
<br />
Cognitive dissonance isn't just one feeling. It can manifest in a whole range of uncomfortable emotional side effects: Confusion, irritation, annoyance, anger, rage, sadness, denial, defensiveness, nervousness, anxiety, irritable bowel syndrome, easy bruising, weight gain, and painful erections lasting more than four hours. (The last four are extremely rare. I'm sure you'll be fine.) Under those conditions, you will be highly motivated to rid yourself of the offending thought in some way, so you can go back to eating tacos in health-defying glee.<br />
<br />
In the end, we don't want to feel <i>crazy</i>, because to feel crazy is to die. To willy-nilly accept new beliefs without some type of discomfort might cause insanity. So would dumping out all our old beliefs without good reason. As would <i>actually </i>believing six impossible things before breakfast. So dissonance and consonance work together to make all the cogs in our mind somehow fit together, even when sometimes they directly conflict with one another. Even when sometimes, in reality, they make us believe impossible things. Like pretty much everything you believe right now.<br />
<br />
Just kidding.<br />
<br />
But only a little bit.<br />
<br />
There are a number of strategies our minds use to handle cognitive dissonance. They all involve lowering dissonance or increasing consonance, or some combination of both. The fact that one cog (I like tacos) might be connected to alot of other cogs (I want to be healthy; I believe in science; I can eat whatever I want; this is America where we have freedom to eat what we want; people who threaten freedom are Communists; I hate Communists; I also like Doritos; Doritos are made out of corn; some tacos are made out of Doritos; Jesus ate tacos at the Last Supper; Jesus can't be wrong; Jesus wasn't a Communist) can promote the importance of that cog and increase the intensity of the dissonance. If you can't resolve the conflict, an entire machine might break. And we can't have that.<br />
<br />
<b>Protect the Cogs! </b><br />
<br />
The process of resolving dissonance happens automatically. Sometimes it only takes a couple of seconds to walk through all the options and emotions they inspire and logical links they create, to come up with a resolution. Sometimes it takes days or longer. Here are the three strategies:<br />
<br />
<b>1. Alter Cogs</b> -- We've got the old cogs and this new interloper that threatens to break the machine. So we can change something, either the new cognition, or an old one.<br />
<br />
Sometimes the easiest thing is to reject the new idea. "There must be something wrong with that study. With uh... all 9,329 studies. I'm just going to pretend I never heard of it. Crunch crunch yes, nine out of ten dentists agree with me. So good."<br />
<br />
Or you can alter one or more of your existing beliefs or behaviors.<br />
<ul>
<li>Science doesn't know anything. Crunch crunch.</li>
<li>Besides, I'm going to die anyway. Might as well crunch crunch.</li>
<li>And tacos don't even have corn. That's just a myth! Crunch crunch.</li>
</ul>
As a last resort, depending on how much we like tacos, we may even change that cherished sacred cog: "Okay, fine. Science has persuaded me to be a Communist. I will stop eating tacos and I now believe Taco Bell should be dismantled by the government. Vive la paleo!"<br />
<br />
<b>2. Add New Cogs </b>-- By adding new cogs we can create new systems that help the old system work alongside the new one. "Yes, I believe in science and I still want to be healthy and I still love America. Which is why I have become convinced all corn studies are funded by the anti-corn lobby which is secretly controlled by aliens who know that corn actually makes us <i>stronger</i> and more immune to their mind control rays!"<br />
<br />
We can also take steps to increase cognitive consonance to drown out any remaining discomfort, say by joining an alien abduction support group where they let us present evidence for this conspiracy as they nod their heads in heart-warming agreement, and every once in awhile, Old Bob shouts, "I knew it!" right before eating the last taco, and every time he does that, it sparks a new round of cognitive dissonance, because you like it when Old Bob agrees with you, but damn it, that was the last taco!<br />
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<b>3. Alter Importance</b> -- You may have noticed that importance is important in how important the importance of the dissonance is. To put it more simply, if you can merely lower how important you think one or more cogs is, you will find instant relief. This is the solution you've come to when you shout, "FINE! I never liked tacos anyway! God just leave me alone, stupid scientists!" Maybe you keep eating tacos, but decide your health isn't that big a deal, or that science isn't a big deal. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, right? So you embrace Communism and tacos and science and freedom and corn, because nothing really matters, and congratulations, you're a nihilist. Dissonance doesn't even exist anymore. Did it ever? If it did, it shouldn't have.<br />
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On this same scale, you can increase the importance of cognitions that give you consonance. Suddenly, you're looking at pictures of kittens on the internet, because boy, they sure are fuzzy. Ah, doesn't that feel good? You commit to a new diet plan to eat five tacos a day, to overcome your fear of commitment which is something you've been meaning to do anyway, and you can almost forget about those 9,329 studies. Yay corn! Crunch crunch.<br />
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<b>Mind Control?</b><br />
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What does any of this have to do with mind control? Everything! So sit down and stop asking questions and believe everything I say. You trust me, right? Because once I've earned your trust by stoking flames of consonance using your existing belief in kittens and the omniscient power of tacos, I will need to reroute any dissonance you may feel as I slowly install my own cogs. Many of those cogs will be specially designed to elevate the importance of the beliefs I want you to have while giving you the tools you'll need to handle dissonance that will be thrown at you from the outside world. Because when you belong to a cult, you will have lots of opportunities to feel dissonance. You will depend on social approval from the group to feel consonance.<br />
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Mind control techniques can be seen as a system of beliefs designed to protect the belief system when the rest of the world, and its facts, regularly disagrees.<br />
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Almost every mind control technique has to do with manipulating cogs. Any totalist group must overcome your overwhelming cognitive dissonance which was originally designed by evolution to make you not believe everything people tell you. The cult must make you believe what they have to tell you, so they will use cognitive consonance by telling you things you already agree with, to overcome your dissonance about how weird they are and about how they are secretly communists who will eventually restrict your intake of tacos but not before giving you three free kittens and praising Fire<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">™</span> sauce. (Plus Bob isn't there to eat the last taco.)<br />
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Once you've attended enough meetings and now have committed to pledging life-giving care to ten precious fuzzy lifepuffs, which you've named after famous historical tacos, the totalist group will begin installing new beliefs that you never had before, cogs that will lock you into the group and make it extremely painful to leave. Some cogs are designed to keep you isolated from dissonance-causing information. Some are designed to bounce the bullets of dissonance right off your newly-thickened skull. Some are designed to create dependence, and increase the importance of community and social pressure. Some are designed to suppress any doubts that arise, and prevent you from voicing criticism. Some can even give you phobias to prevent you from leaving. They convince you that the group is keeping you safe, so the idea of accepting new cognitions will literally cause fear to pound in your chest.<br />
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Your new cult will promote the importance of tacos until yes, you will die to defend tacos, while simultaneously accepting new restrictions on actually eating them. You quickly learn to hate the government (which funds studies into the health effects of corn), hate science (which actually does studies on corn), and hate all paleovangelists who are clearly sent from the Great Satan of Carb Haters to destroy all the Good People like you that God has chosen to promote kittens and tacos. I mean, who could hate a kitten, except a devil worshipper?<br />
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<b><strike>Cornclusion</strike></b><br />
<b>Cogclusion</b><br />
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Cognitive dissonance is actually good. It's good for your sanity, survival, and for humanity. It's how we learn and how we defend ourselves from snakeoil salesmen. Except when the salesman is selling really good snakeoil and it cures what ails you and you saw it with your own eyes, a lame boy could walk it's a miracle, please take my money!<br />
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Yes, dissonance and consonance can be manipulated. But the fact is, it <i>has</i> to be manipulated. Only tricky smart people are able to do it, and even then, only sometimes. By learning about dissonance and manipulation techniques, you are installing new cogs that prevent the installation of harmful cogs. Adopting an attitude of healthy skepticism, and demanding facts, and researching more than one source and opinion will help those nasty Cogs of Evil bounce right off your forehead... tho not without a little pain.<br />
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And even then, somewhere out there, is a cult leader who will find a way to take advantage of you. It may have already happened. I hope that thought doesn't make you <i>too</i> uncomfortable.<br />
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THIS POST IS PART OF A SERIES<br />
<a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/05/mind-control-101-myths-of-brainwashing.html">Mind Control 101: Myths of Brainwashing</a><br />
<a href="http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/07/mind-control-101-basics.html">Mind Control 101: The Basics</a><br />
<br />Luna Corbdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248755241861752232noreply@blogger.com0